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Entry tags:
Long, pointless, thing about myself. Yeah, it's kindof stupid.
NTS: TW abusive ex, in the comments. <3, futureKat
***
I've changed a lot. In the past months, the past year, the past decade.
I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.
But I've changed a lot. Especially in the past year, the past two years, the past three or four years.
Sixth grade I was a total fuck-up. I was incredibly depressed, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, and I hated my life with a screaming passion. I thought about suicide a lot. My diary from the time...scary. As scary as it's ever been for me.
Seventh grade I had pretty much stabled out. I was doing better with my life, and I began to turn into myself.
Eighth grade, I was...me. I was cheerful and perky. I had just began to get into the internet in the second half of eight grade, and I was...unlike I am now. I have all of two diary entries from when I was in seventh, both pointless, and one from eighth. I was much more romantic back then.
Ninth grade I started as a screwball. I had become much more vulgar, and much more of an internet nerd. And I was very vulgar. I figured this out in October, adn I began to force-change myself. Veronica blames Sluggy.net, and yes...they have changed me. But in a good way. Not bad. I changed into a hopeless romantic. And I began to write in my diary again. I filled half my diary in three or four months, mostly mooning over guys. And talking to RAKA. I'm not sure when they appeared, but they did, and I talked to them. They talked back.
But I've lost them now. I'm not sure I care though. They just left me, peacefully. leaving me alone in my head in teh first time for a while. And their leaving...changed me.
They left when I became independent. When I became someone who could stand on her own feet, deal with her own mind, and was...practical. Realistic. Different.
Instead of gentle arguing, I philisophise. And I use this as my diary now. Granted, I have a new one, but it's not my diary. This is. My Livejournal. It's an open diary for anyone to read, but I don't care. I have nothing left to hide anymore.
Crushes? I haven't got one. I have no romantic love in my heart.
Secrets? What secrets? I'm open about most things. And the rest...are things I wouldn't write in a diary anyway, no matter how protected.
Emotions? I try to avoid writing in anger, or hatred, or fear. Negitivity. I've always locked my emotions. There are signs of course. If I start crying over something that would normally just be a small annoyance, you can tell theres something going on. And when I walk...if I'm running my nails along the wall, I'm probably not particularily happy at the moment.
I've changed a lot, like I said. I've become more cynical. More realistic. And much more anti-social. Sure, I like parties, and seeing my friends and hanging out. But only to an extent.
I've been trying to make it so my emotional stability rests on my sholders and mine alone. Too often recently it's seemed that I can be happy if I see ______ or my day will get better once I talk to ______. I don't like that though. It makes me too vernurable.
I think I'm finally getting to be someone I like again. For too long I wasn't. And that was bad.
I dunno. *sighs*
~Sorceress/Kat
MOOP!
Original Tags: unofficialxyears, i-write-good-shit: personal, sluggy.net, v, growing up, tagged, thoughtstream, nosce te ipsum, rlife, denizens, sorcy-is-pretentious
or
sluggy.net, raka, therapywarning, selfhate, read-the-sorkin-manual, retrospective
***
I've changed a lot. In the past months, the past year, the past decade.
I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.
But I've changed a lot. Especially in the past year, the past two years, the past three or four years.
Sixth grade I was a total fuck-up. I was incredibly depressed, I was pretty sure everyone hated me, and I hated my life with a screaming passion. I thought about suicide a lot. My diary from the time...scary. As scary as it's ever been for me.
Seventh grade I had pretty much stabled out. I was doing better with my life, and I began to turn into myself.
Eighth grade, I was...me. I was cheerful and perky. I had just began to get into the internet in the second half of eight grade, and I was...unlike I am now. I have all of two diary entries from when I was in seventh, both pointless, and one from eighth. I was much more romantic back then.
Ninth grade I started as a screwball. I had become much more vulgar, and much more of an internet nerd. And I was very vulgar. I figured this out in October, adn I began to force-change myself. Veronica blames Sluggy.net, and yes...they have changed me. But in a good way. Not bad. I changed into a hopeless romantic. And I began to write in my diary again. I filled half my diary in three or four months, mostly mooning over guys. And talking to RAKA. I'm not sure when they appeared, but they did, and I talked to them. They talked back.
But I've lost them now. I'm not sure I care though. They just left me, peacefully. leaving me alone in my head in teh first time for a while. And their leaving...changed me.
They left when I became independent. When I became someone who could stand on her own feet, deal with her own mind, and was...practical. Realistic. Different.
Instead of gentle arguing, I philisophise. And I use this as my diary now. Granted, I have a new one, but it's not my diary. This is. My Livejournal. It's an open diary for anyone to read, but I don't care. I have nothing left to hide anymore.
Crushes? I haven't got one. I have no romantic love in my heart.
Secrets? What secrets? I'm open about most things. And the rest...are things I wouldn't write in a diary anyway, no matter how protected.
Emotions? I try to avoid writing in anger, or hatred, or fear. Negitivity. I've always locked my emotions. There are signs of course. If I start crying over something that would normally just be a small annoyance, you can tell theres something going on. And when I walk...if I'm running my nails along the wall, I'm probably not particularily happy at the moment.
I've changed a lot, like I said. I've become more cynical. More realistic. And much more anti-social. Sure, I like parties, and seeing my friends and hanging out. But only to an extent.
I've been trying to make it so my emotional stability rests on my sholders and mine alone. Too often recently it's seemed that I can be happy if I see ______ or my day will get better once I talk to ______. I don't like that though. It makes me too vernurable.
I think I'm finally getting to be someone I like again. For too long I wasn't. And that was bad.
I dunno. *sighs*
~Sorceress/Kat
MOOP!
Original Tags: unofficialxyears, i-write-good-shit: personal, sluggy.net, v, growing up, tagged, thoughtstream, nosce te ipsum, rlife, denizens, sorcy-is-pretentious
or
sluggy.net, raka, therapywarning, selfhate, read-the-sorkin-manual, retrospective
no subject
hehehe
dont worry, it's not as bad as it sounds...
no subject
~Sorceress
intellectual property
Saber
You're only young once; but you can be immature forever!
Re: intellectual property
*rolls eyes*
And I steal your words all the time, get over it!!
~Kat
no subject
I've been alive almost a decade and a half haven't I. God thats a scary thought.
Geez, almost a decade and a half ago I was graduating from high school. Now THERE's a scary thought for you. ;)
no subject
Have you ever considered writing an advice column? Seriously, you've got some really good ideas.
I've been alive almost a decade and a half
You're probably going to get a lot of "rememberances" from older friends of yours, telling where they were in life a decade and a half ago... so here's mine:
Just under a decade and a half ago, I first got physically beaten up by a bully. I was in 5th grade. I was 10. I was so starved for attention that I went back outside and let them beat me up again... or maybe I thought they wouldn't do it anymore since they'd already "gotten" me once... I don't know...
no subject
No...no I haven't really. I'm not sure how well that would really work out. My advice-y moods (what I'm in for 90% of the non wahts going on i9n my life LJ posts) basically fluctuate between harshly realistic and cynical and very, not quite depressed quiet. Thoughtful quiet I guess.
I dunno. People ask me for advice, but I'm not sure I always give them the right kind. I certainly know that I don't always give them what they want to hear, and sometimes they get pissed at me for that.
And the fact that I STILL get mad when I think about how harshly she "slapped me in the face" when I gave her advice she didn't want to hear, even though that was almost a month ago, pisses me off.
Sorry...lost the quietness...
I'm better now.
~Sorceress
no subject
~V~
no subject
~Sor
no subject
You become vulnerable just by standing up and showing yourself to the world, which you've done and so very well. Had you not, I would never have found you and my life would be so much the worse. Indeed scarily so. Sometimes it's good to be vulnerable and good to rely on another for stability or to help you though something. I love you very much, Sor of the future. It may be hard for you to do, but I am always only a phone call away and if ever I can, I will come to you. If ever you are lost, I will find you. I promise.