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Okay, remember my last post, where I said this was gonna be long and boring? I wasn't kidding.
Well...shit.
I just...figured out something reasonably important about myself.
...okay, we're being honest here. A painful and different thing for me, I know.
Its something pretty damn important about myself.
I've known for some time that I don't trust people real well. Probably a good lot of you know that as well --I've certainly bitched about it in some form or another, and if I haven't bitched here, it only means I never posted those rants. But last night, somewhere in between getting lost and getting home, I put it all together, and I think I finally have a pretty comprehensive picture of why.
I don't trust people, because I am dead scared of people leaving me. Or being taken away from me, is probably the slightly more accurate description. This *certainly* fits all but one (two?) of the crushes/relationships I've had in the past...oh...I was gonna just let it be from ninth grade, but then I let myself think back farther, and it reaches to at least fifth.
Reasons, bitching, evidence, history:
"But Kat!" I hear you say, because in my mind, you lot talk to me quite often. "That's the biggest crock of bullshit I've ever heard! Why would anyone ever leave you, you're practically perfect in every way! And more importantly, relationships aren't everything, and certainly shouldn't trip you up that bad."
Yes, well. It's not just relationships. I have the most amazingly divine best friend in the whole world, right? And shes been my absolute best friend forever, right?
Not quite. Lonnnnng time ago, there was this girl I knew, Shayda. She's a River Hill kid now --I've seen her maybe once in the past year, and even less frequently then that prior. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I met Shayda in first grade. Nice formative year, that one. Shayda and I, by nature of the fact that we both liked barbies, that she could keep up with my weirdness, and that we lived really damn close to each other, were best friends. And eventually Veronica came along, and she was our best friend too --it was the three of us, and we had fun together.
But for a good two years, it was just me and Shayda. Two years when you're eight, is a fricking eternity, it's a fourth of your life. And then, for another two years, it was us three. But in all truth, Shayda was my BEST friend, and V was just my secondbest friend.
And then, the summer between fourth and fifth grade...she moved. Her family moved out to Clarksville, which isn't that far, but for how often I saw her after that, it might as well have been the moon.
And at this point, I don't even know if she'd like me anymore. Or if I'd like her. Yeah. :/
Take another friend then, a more recent one. The big difference here, is that I got her back. In this particular case, I'm referring to MadamLuna, who I met in sixth grade, and got along quite well with for most of that year. And then they redistricted schools, and I lost her. Which kinda sorta sucked, because I *quite* liked her. She was and is cool stuff --one of the nicest people I've ever met. Also, probably the only person I've ever met with a fascination of people turning into cars. But see, she fits the pattern --I made friends with her, good friends, and would have probably continued that friendship stronger, had she not gone off to st00pid Bonnie Branch.
And for the record, I did actually see her after she left. A handful or two of times, I passed letters through the art teacher -it worked. But still, its not the same.
But like I said, its not just boys. A big part of it is boys --I am, by definition the "best friend" in my relationship with Veronica, and there is nothing that stings quite like someone admitting a crush on your best friend, especially if you were even remotely interested in them.
Again, look at my crush track record. For major crushes, people I actually had an interest in (if I don't think up daydream plots about Us that would make a romance writer retch, you're not on this list) I have managed to actually get...one. And that was Blue, and it's pretty damn unlikely that any of my straight friends would be going for her.
But statistics:
5th grade/Devon --he was out of my league from the start, I know that now. But ohman. He had a southernboi Tennessee drawl (I like accents, damnit!) and he was terrribly cute in an effimate sort of way. I fell hard. But like I said, he was out of my league from the start.
7th grade/Jeremy --Remember what I said about being the Best Friend? The Best Friend does not get the boi that Our Hero (Veronica) also has a crush on --it's a rule. Seventh grade, I fell pretty hard for my best guy friend, luckily, by the time he and V hooked up, I was mostly over him.
8th/9th grade/Rohan --...Ah. See, a long time ago, there was a Group. And in the group, was Veronica and me and KT and Jeremy and Rohan and Billy, and ocassionally a few other people. But there were periods where we were all out as couples plus Kat and Rohan. It doesn't help that I had a huge, eventually returned, crush on Rohan.
In ninth grade, however, we added someone to our fluctuating group --we added Bethany, who is awesome. And somewhere between the fact that they actually had classes together and the fact that everyone else was certain they were together, I became convinced that Bethany and Rohan had massive, massive crushes on each other.
And, being as passive as I am, I was therefore required to let my friends be happy without me, damnit.
(Rohan ended...messily. We were together in everything besides actually announcing ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend (his mum would've killed him) and then I just abruptly stopped having a crush on him. Then there was a point there where I was very annoyed by both Jeremy and Rohan, and associated with them as little as possible. I never did actually tell him that I no longer had feelings for him --yes, Sorcy is st00pid.)
Very end of 9th/Fish --Fish was a strange mature older boi. He was also very close to another friend of mine, Anne. I eventually gave up on trying not to compete with Anne through all of gym/health class, and went off to Wyo to become asexual. Er, obsessed with a girl who was not only out of my league, she is presumably straight.
Summer between 8th and 9th AND 9th and 10th/Taya --Taya was is will continue to always be *beautiful*. She is full of curvy femininity wearing boys shorts and unshaven legs. She could be gay, I wouldn't put it past her, I'll never know.
Mell and Aly, you're the only Wyo girls who read this journal. If you ever tell her I was mad for her, I shall flay you alive.
There are things to be at an all-girls camp in Maine, where the majority of everyone are cliquish, preppie, and rich. Bisexual is not one of them. Consequently, I remained stubbornly closeted both my summers at Wyo.
But yes. Taya had other friends, who she was closer to. Which sucks.
9thish/Tyler --Tyler is now one of my good friends. I don't believe she is aware that I had a crush on her. She had a girlfriend at the time, who I didn't quite like as much. Thats all there is to that story.
10th grade
Paul --Paul was...(is) strange. And I quite liked him, and he was quite in drama/relationship with Helen, who was a year older then me, and often confused with me by teachers and whatnot. Maybe because we both had longish brown hair and short and hung around Paul. I liked Paul, but he wasn't mine to have. So I moved on.
Chris --And found Chris. Just about halfway through my sophmore year of school, I found him.
Trust that he belongs here. I am willing to be honest, I am not willing to dump salt in my own wounds.
And do not feel guilty, love. I can not fault you for liking other girls, no more then I can fault the moon for rising.
...Shit. I am indeed being honest here, aren't I? Tenth grade, I fell quite hard for a boy called Eric, right up at the end. And I liked him for a good deal of time.
A year later, he started dating Veronica. It is really none of your buisness how long I liked him, most especially because there was a beautiful beautiful girl in my life for most of that year.
Summer between 10th and 11th/Blue Canary --
Have you ever closed your eyes and seen someone. Remembered them laughing, them playing, them smiling in the sunshine.
I forget when I lost that with her --I think when I stopped seeing her every day.
But that is the single most amazing feeling in the world.
***
And the single worst feeling in the world is the look in someones eyes when you tell them that you think the two of you should break up.
Blue Canary was the only one who was never taken away from me. For that, I owe her more then it is at all possible for me to give her.
And I think that finishes us off, for romance. End of my eleventh grade year, days before I went to a new country.
Well, not quite. One more crush, but frankly, its not any of your buisness. (I am, after all, only willing to be honest about my past.)
And I figured out the first stepping stone to...this because of a painful, painful fear that he/she/it/them was going to be taken away from me too. It was...brief -I didn't have justification for much more then an hour, but it hurt. Because what do you do if someone you love dearly likes the same sort of folk you do?
Need another justification that it's not just bois? What are the formative years --three to eight or so. (Good arbitrary ages, yes?)
Partway through my kindergarten year, we moved. Not far partway, granted, no later then Octoberish. But we moved. And damnit, that sucks for a five year old.
I honestly can't remember if I had any friends in Rockville (Where we moved from) I remember precious few things about that house and that life --that I could look out my window across the street to watch the man there sit on his front step and smoke, learning my address in the hallway with the whiteboard (Rockville --things Daddy climbs!) and a twisted gender identity question in preschool. But I know I knew people -I knew my kindergarten teacher, for sure, and I presumably had friends or at least aquantinces in that class.
And then I moved, and had to make all new ones. I'm *shy*, I've only gotten less so as I've grown up. But I've never been the social butterfly that Aly was, and I expect that being a kindergardener trying to make friends was a difficult manuver for me. I can't actually remember any female friends from that far back -this girl Hillary, who was also new, later in the year. Sortof. No one really as the "Best Friend" though.
Moving right along, theres one more clear case of people leaving me, one that I actually had identified as a problem way back in fifth grade (I had to go and talk to the counseler about it ocassionally) My father kept "leaving" the family.
Background --Dad is a anesthisiologist. I can't even spell his job proper it's so fancy. But one of the side effects of his fancy doctor job is that he gets to go to lots of fancy doctor conferences, all over the world.
And sometimes, this is an awesome thing --I've been to Disneyland a whole bunch of times, got to go to Myrtle Beach two summers in a row, the second just me and my parents, I've been to Cape Cod, I've been to Pheonix, I've gone to Seattle (which had the bonus of being the introduction of my family to Sluggy Freelance) and most recently, I've been taken to Germany.
And for mom, this is an even cooler thing -she's gone to more foreign countries then I can remember, Australia, Austria, Norway, Denmark, and London are the ones I can remember. Later this year, she's going on a cruise to Bora Bora. That's just neat. But while there have been a lot of trips that were taken as either family or mom+dad vacations, there have also been a lot of trips where it was just dad.
A LOT of trips. Months go by where dad is gone every single weekend, and for most of the weeks in between. He has literally taken day trips to South Africa. It doesn't faze me anymore to hear "Where's dad?" "Chicago (or New York, or California, or Vermont, or...)" drift by in the conversation. It's a bit of a craps shoot at any given point whether or not dad will be in town.
Add to this the fact that dad's a doctor, and prone to working weird hours, and I've grown up with a fairly absent father. I've *never* been a daddy's girl, I've never really had the chance. I've gone on trips with just him a couple times this past year (Aforementioned Germany, and up to Boston for colleging), and it's *nice* --he's an awesome guy. I just wish I had the chance to get to know him better when I was younger.
At any rate, that's the all of it. I've got enough justification to make this theory seem quite valid, and hell --now I've got a theory, which means I can work to fix it. But see, there's one more problem I've got to get past before I can "fix" myself. (Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken?)
C
O
Double L
E
G
E.
College.
I may or may not be going away to college depending on how efficiant I am. Veronica will be going away to college. Jeremy will be going away to college. Rohan will be going away to college. Luna will be going away to college. Are you getting the picture here?
These people who I have grown up with, people who I have seen every day week month at least for years on end, are going...somewhere else. They are, to be perfectly accurate, leaving me. And I'm leaving them.
I am batshit terrified of this fact. This is the age of the internet --your friends aren't much more then an e-mail address away. But no amount of e-mail can replace being there in person, squeezing them in hugs, wantonly flirting and just generally goofing around. The Table --this is its last year. At least it is, for us. It may live on with the underclassmen, it may live on in memory, but it's over. Same thing with the group of people I toughed through middle school with. And everyone who I toughed through high school with.
There are people who I would not, will not mind breaking ties with. But then, theres also Veronica.
And I'm going to miss her...
Words...can't express. I have gotten to the tearpoint every time I have thought about the fact that I'm losing her. Every. Single. Fucking. Time, starting with the first, and yes, continuing to right now.
And I will never lose her completely. I can't lose her completely, some stupid survival instinct in me will always keep me from losing track. But she is my best friend in all the world, and whereever we go next year, its not going to be the same place.
And yeah, that's probably healthy for us. You know --meet new people, try new things. And yeah, this has happened thousands of times over the years, best friends in high school are always being split up when it's time for college.
But I love her so goddamn much it hurts. And it doesn't matter how often we talk online, or e-mail each other, or call. It's not the same. I honestly don't think that there has been a period of longer then a month where I have not seen her since we started high school. If you're only counting times when we were in the same place (ie, no Wyo or vacations) I don't think there has been a length of time longer then three days where we haven't seen each other, at least for a little while.
She is my Best Friend. And I am a stupid weepy girl. And I have to get over this, somehow, sometime.
I just really don't want to lose her. Everyone else, Luna, Becky, Jeremy, Ryan, Rohan, Tyler...it'll suck to lose them. But it won't Hurt like it will with her.
So yeah. There you go. Sor, in a nutshell. A crazy, paranoid, fucked up nutshell.
But at least I've figured out WHY I'm crazy. At least I can figure out someway to do something about it.
Have a good day.
~Katarina
MOOP!
I just...figured out something reasonably important about myself.
...okay, we're being honest here. A painful and different thing for me, I know.
Its something pretty damn important about myself.
I've known for some time that I don't trust people real well. Probably a good lot of you know that as well --I've certainly bitched about it in some form or another, and if I haven't bitched here, it only means I never posted those rants. But last night, somewhere in between getting lost and getting home, I put it all together, and I think I finally have a pretty comprehensive picture of why.
I don't trust people, because I am dead scared of people leaving me. Or being taken away from me, is probably the slightly more accurate description. This *certainly* fits all but one (two?) of the crushes/relationships I've had in the past...oh...I was gonna just let it be from ninth grade, but then I let myself think back farther, and it reaches to at least fifth.
Reasons, bitching, evidence, history:
"But Kat!" I hear you say, because in my mind, you lot talk to me quite often. "That's the biggest crock of bullshit I've ever heard! Why would anyone ever leave you, you're practically perfect in every way! And more importantly, relationships aren't everything, and certainly shouldn't trip you up that bad."
Yes, well. It's not just relationships. I have the most amazingly divine best friend in the whole world, right? And shes been my absolute best friend forever, right?
Not quite. Lonnnnng time ago, there was this girl I knew, Shayda. She's a River Hill kid now --I've seen her maybe once in the past year, and even less frequently then that prior. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I met Shayda in first grade. Nice formative year, that one. Shayda and I, by nature of the fact that we both liked barbies, that she could keep up with my weirdness, and that we lived really damn close to each other, were best friends. And eventually Veronica came along, and she was our best friend too --it was the three of us, and we had fun together.
But for a good two years, it was just me and Shayda. Two years when you're eight, is a fricking eternity, it's a fourth of your life. And then, for another two years, it was us three. But in all truth, Shayda was my BEST friend, and V was just my secondbest friend.
And then, the summer between fourth and fifth grade...she moved. Her family moved out to Clarksville, which isn't that far, but for how often I saw her after that, it might as well have been the moon.
And at this point, I don't even know if she'd like me anymore. Or if I'd like her. Yeah. :/
Take another friend then, a more recent one. The big difference here, is that I got her back. In this particular case, I'm referring to MadamLuna, who I met in sixth grade, and got along quite well with for most of that year. And then they redistricted schools, and I lost her. Which kinda sorta sucked, because I *quite* liked her. She was and is cool stuff --one of the nicest people I've ever met. Also, probably the only person I've ever met with a fascination of people turning into cars. But see, she fits the pattern --I made friends with her, good friends, and would have probably continued that friendship stronger, had she not gone off to st00pid Bonnie Branch.
And for the record, I did actually see her after she left. A handful or two of times, I passed letters through the art teacher -it worked. But still, its not the same.
But like I said, its not just boys. A big part of it is boys --I am, by definition the "best friend" in my relationship with Veronica, and there is nothing that stings quite like someone admitting a crush on your best friend, especially if you were even remotely interested in them.
Again, look at my crush track record. For major crushes, people I actually had an interest in (if I don't think up daydream plots about Us that would make a romance writer retch, you're not on this list) I have managed to actually get...one. And that was Blue, and it's pretty damn unlikely that any of my straight friends would be going for her.
But statistics:
5th grade/Devon --he was out of my league from the start, I know that now. But ohman. He had a southernboi Tennessee drawl (I like accents, damnit!) and he was terrribly cute in an effimate sort of way. I fell hard. But like I said, he was out of my league from the start.
7th grade/Jeremy --Remember what I said about being the Best Friend? The Best Friend does not get the boi that Our Hero (Veronica) also has a crush on --it's a rule. Seventh grade, I fell pretty hard for my best guy friend, luckily, by the time he and V hooked up, I was mostly over him.
8th/9th grade/Rohan --...Ah. See, a long time ago, there was a Group. And in the group, was Veronica and me and KT and Jeremy and Rohan and Billy, and ocassionally a few other people. But there were periods where we were all out as couples plus Kat and Rohan. It doesn't help that I had a huge, eventually returned, crush on Rohan.
In ninth grade, however, we added someone to our fluctuating group --we added Bethany, who is awesome. And somewhere between the fact that they actually had classes together and the fact that everyone else was certain they were together, I became convinced that Bethany and Rohan had massive, massive crushes on each other.
And, being as passive as I am, I was therefore required to let my friends be happy without me, damnit.
(Rohan ended...messily. We were together in everything besides actually announcing ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend (his mum would've killed him) and then I just abruptly stopped having a crush on him. Then there was a point there where I was very annoyed by both Jeremy and Rohan, and associated with them as little as possible. I never did actually tell him that I no longer had feelings for him --yes, Sorcy is st00pid.)
Very end of 9th/Fish --Fish was a strange mature older boi. He was also very close to another friend of mine, Anne. I eventually gave up on trying not to compete with Anne through all of gym/health class, and went off to Wyo to become asexual. Er, obsessed with a girl who was not only out of my league, she is presumably straight.
Summer between 8th and 9th AND 9th and 10th/Taya --Taya was is will continue to always be *beautiful*. She is full of curvy femininity wearing boys shorts and unshaven legs. She could be gay, I wouldn't put it past her, I'll never know.
Mell and Aly, you're the only Wyo girls who read this journal. If you ever tell her I was mad for her, I shall flay you alive.
There are things to be at an all-girls camp in Maine, where the majority of everyone are cliquish, preppie, and rich. Bisexual is not one of them. Consequently, I remained stubbornly closeted both my summers at Wyo.
But yes. Taya had other friends, who she was closer to. Which sucks.
9thish/Tyler --Tyler is now one of my good friends. I don't believe she is aware that I had a crush on her. She had a girlfriend at the time, who I didn't quite like as much. Thats all there is to that story.
10th grade
Paul --Paul was...(is) strange. And I quite liked him, and he was quite in drama/relationship with Helen, who was a year older then me, and often confused with me by teachers and whatnot. Maybe because we both had longish brown hair and short and hung around Paul. I liked Paul, but he wasn't mine to have. So I moved on.
Chris --And found Chris. Just about halfway through my sophmore year of school, I found him.
Trust that he belongs here. I am willing to be honest, I am not willing to dump salt in my own wounds.
And do not feel guilty, love. I can not fault you for liking other girls, no more then I can fault the moon for rising.
...Shit. I am indeed being honest here, aren't I? Tenth grade, I fell quite hard for a boy called Eric, right up at the end. And I liked him for a good deal of time.
A year later, he started dating Veronica. It is really none of your buisness how long I liked him, most especially because there was a beautiful beautiful girl in my life for most of that year.
Summer between 10th and 11th/Blue Canary --
Have you ever closed your eyes and seen someone. Remembered them laughing, them playing, them smiling in the sunshine.
I forget when I lost that with her --I think when I stopped seeing her every day.
But that is the single most amazing feeling in the world.
***
And the single worst feeling in the world is the look in someones eyes when you tell them that you think the two of you should break up.
Blue Canary was the only one who was never taken away from me. For that, I owe her more then it is at all possible for me to give her.
And I think that finishes us off, for romance. End of my eleventh grade year, days before I went to a new country.
Well, not quite. One more crush, but frankly, its not any of your buisness. (I am, after all, only willing to be honest about my past.)
And I figured out the first stepping stone to...this because of a painful, painful fear that he/she/it/them was going to be taken away from me too. It was...brief -I didn't have justification for much more then an hour, but it hurt. Because what do you do if someone you love dearly likes the same sort of folk you do?
Need another justification that it's not just bois? What are the formative years --three to eight or so. (Good arbitrary ages, yes?)
Partway through my kindergarten year, we moved. Not far partway, granted, no later then Octoberish. But we moved. And damnit, that sucks for a five year old.
I honestly can't remember if I had any friends in Rockville (Where we moved from) I remember precious few things about that house and that life --that I could look out my window across the street to watch the man there sit on his front step and smoke, learning my address in the hallway with the whiteboard (Rockville --things Daddy climbs!) and a twisted gender identity question in preschool. But I know I knew people -I knew my kindergarten teacher, for sure, and I presumably had friends or at least aquantinces in that class.
And then I moved, and had to make all new ones. I'm *shy*, I've only gotten less so as I've grown up. But I've never been the social butterfly that Aly was, and I expect that being a kindergardener trying to make friends was a difficult manuver for me. I can't actually remember any female friends from that far back -this girl Hillary, who was also new, later in the year. Sortof. No one really as the "Best Friend" though.
Moving right along, theres one more clear case of people leaving me, one that I actually had identified as a problem way back in fifth grade (I had to go and talk to the counseler about it ocassionally) My father kept "leaving" the family.
Background --Dad is a anesthisiologist. I can't even spell his job proper it's so fancy. But one of the side effects of his fancy doctor job is that he gets to go to lots of fancy doctor conferences, all over the world.
And sometimes, this is an awesome thing --I've been to Disneyland a whole bunch of times, got to go to Myrtle Beach two summers in a row, the second just me and my parents, I've been to Cape Cod, I've been to Pheonix, I've gone to Seattle (which had the bonus of being the introduction of my family to Sluggy Freelance) and most recently, I've been taken to Germany.
And for mom, this is an even cooler thing -she's gone to more foreign countries then I can remember, Australia, Austria, Norway, Denmark, and London are the ones I can remember. Later this year, she's going on a cruise to Bora Bora. That's just neat. But while there have been a lot of trips that were taken as either family or mom+dad vacations, there have also been a lot of trips where it was just dad.
A LOT of trips. Months go by where dad is gone every single weekend, and for most of the weeks in between. He has literally taken day trips to South Africa. It doesn't faze me anymore to hear "Where's dad?" "Chicago (or New York, or California, or Vermont, or...)" drift by in the conversation. It's a bit of a craps shoot at any given point whether or not dad will be in town.
Add to this the fact that dad's a doctor, and prone to working weird hours, and I've grown up with a fairly absent father. I've *never* been a daddy's girl, I've never really had the chance. I've gone on trips with just him a couple times this past year (Aforementioned Germany, and up to Boston for colleging), and it's *nice* --he's an awesome guy. I just wish I had the chance to get to know him better when I was younger.
At any rate, that's the all of it. I've got enough justification to make this theory seem quite valid, and hell --now I've got a theory, which means I can work to fix it. But see, there's one more problem I've got to get past before I can "fix" myself. (Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken?)
C
O
Double L
E
G
E.
College.
I may or may not be going away to college depending on how efficiant I am. Veronica will be going away to college. Jeremy will be going away to college. Rohan will be going away to college. Luna will be going away to college. Are you getting the picture here?
These people who I have grown up with, people who I have seen every day week month at least for years on end, are going...somewhere else. They are, to be perfectly accurate, leaving me. And I'm leaving them.
I am batshit terrified of this fact. This is the age of the internet --your friends aren't much more then an e-mail address away. But no amount of e-mail can replace being there in person, squeezing them in hugs, wantonly flirting and just generally goofing around. The Table --this is its last year. At least it is, for us. It may live on with the underclassmen, it may live on in memory, but it's over. Same thing with the group of people I toughed through middle school with. And everyone who I toughed through high school with.
There are people who I would not, will not mind breaking ties with. But then, theres also Veronica.
And I'm going to miss her...
Words...can't express. I have gotten to the tearpoint every time I have thought about the fact that I'm losing her. Every. Single. Fucking. Time, starting with the first, and yes, continuing to right now.
And I will never lose her completely. I can't lose her completely, some stupid survival instinct in me will always keep me from losing track. But she is my best friend in all the world, and whereever we go next year, its not going to be the same place.
And yeah, that's probably healthy for us. You know --meet new people, try new things. And yeah, this has happened thousands of times over the years, best friends in high school are always being split up when it's time for college.
But I love her so goddamn much it hurts. And it doesn't matter how often we talk online, or e-mail each other, or call. It's not the same. I honestly don't think that there has been a period of longer then a month where I have not seen her since we started high school. If you're only counting times when we were in the same place (ie, no Wyo or vacations) I don't think there has been a length of time longer then three days where we haven't seen each other, at least for a little while.
She is my Best Friend. And I am a stupid weepy girl. And I have to get over this, somehow, sometime.
I just really don't want to lose her. Everyone else, Luna, Becky, Jeremy, Ryan, Rohan, Tyler...it'll suck to lose them. But it won't Hurt like it will with her.
So yeah. There you go. Sor, in a nutshell. A crazy, paranoid, fucked up nutshell.
But at least I've figured out WHY I'm crazy. At least I can figure out someway to do something about it.
Have a good day.
~Katarina
MOOP!
no subject
And for college... if you go to ones near Boston, you'll definitely have someone there to help you find additional friends to the ones you already have.
Yes. i'm sitting here crying
I'm sorry for all the different things, stupid desions, tyringto get the boy and most of the time getting him. But i want to be able to talk to you.
I am not goign anywhere. I will always be on your side. It will take wild horses to drag me away. I love you in a way that I can't describe. You have the craziest ideas, and can actully pull them off. You are so talented. I can't imaging being able to draw or write the way you do.
I wnat to tlak about anything and everything, From the cute movie boys, to the serious stuff like life and school. So when doyou want to have a sleepover where we can stay up allnight and talk?
~V~
Re: Yes. i'm sitting here crying
*hugs and never lets go*
...We're a sorry lot, aren't we?
~Sor
Re: Yes. i'm sitting here crying
~V~
Re: Yes. i'm sitting here crying
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Remind me why I realised I was polyamourous? And remind me why I thought I'd never run into problems with it? *headdesk*
And remind me why everyone thinks I'm so wonderful? And why one of the most understanding people in the world decided to love me? So many questions, not nearly enough answers.
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I think that in the love case, it's because when you love someone, really love them, you take the good and the bad. And in this case, it's just who you are - not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but it's what makes you Aren, and it makes you happy, and so he'll be happy too. And as long as you come back to him, it's okay, isn't it? He's your rock, and he's who you come home to, so it's okay in the end. There may be others, or maybe not, but he's the main one, and so he's happy. If that makes any sense at all.
And I don't know exactly why everyone thinks you're wonderful - in my case, it's because we understand each other, or at least I think so. I know I can trust you, I know I can just be myself and you won't think less of me for it, and I know you won't lie to me. When you say something, you mean it, and aren't just talking air. That's why I think you're wondeful.
And now I'll shut up and stop spamming KD's journal.
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It'll suck, and it'll hurt, but you'll continue on. You won't lose each other, and I think that's what matters the most. Whent there's a connection, it doesn't break. Maybe stretch, but not break.
But talking on-line really does help. Pick a time and stick to it, and change it as necessary.
And that's just my two sense.
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Um, once again Eric said most of what I need to say. I need to code me a bot that follows him around the web and whenever he says something it posts a reply with "I was just about to say what he said!" I'm sure I'll talk to you in an email soon.
*hugs* Some of us are just gonna be sticking about the same distance away when you go to college, don't worry.
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Boring is a perspective. Its ninty percent history -old history, that "doesn't matter anymore" in this post. I can't judge that.
~Sor
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Paul --Paul was...(is) strange. And I quite liked him, and he was quite in drama/relationship with Helen, who was a year older then me, and often confused with me by teachers and whatnot. Maybe because we both had longish brown hair and short and hung around Paul. I liked Paul, but he wasn't mine to have. So I moved on. '
Hmm...yea.