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[TherapyFilter] Starting to actually deal with an e-mail
So, end of November, I got an e-mail from kSatyr. The immediate effect was to be incredibly angry at the idea that someone was A) hurting him and B) turning me in a damsel to do so. The slightly longer term effect was to have another bout of upfucked regarding whether or not I was actually ever raped or not.
When I made that second post, I mentioned something about having several thoughts on the e-mail in general. However, then it hurt too bad to read the words, much less try to respond, so it somewhat languished in my inbox for five months.
However, I'm feeling a bit better, a bit more stable, and have been pondering the depressing question of "what bits of the relationship were and weren't rape?". Because I've tended to say that it started consensual and later became less so, but I've also tended to think that, of the sexual interactions we had that I can remember, many if not all were rapetastic, so that's a disparity that should be addressed at some point.
Additionally, it's worth noting (as I tend to try and remind people) that kSatyr and I had a really fucked up relationship, in all directions. It's easy for me to look back and say "oh, he was shit at communicating and clinged too hard and got paranoid that I was sleeping around" without also looking back and saying "well, I was shit at communicating too, and tended to be a huge flirt and hugslut, and even though I never cheated on him, I could've better respected his whole "don't flirt with other people" thing."
As I've pointed out before, we didn't break up because he was raping me. We broke up beca...did I just manage to write that without breaking a sweat, without panicking, without *noticing?* I...huh. Thank you brain, I need that sometimes.
We broke up because it was a really bad relationship, and it needed to end. Hell, it *had* ended, I broke up with him in August before I went to college, and he broke down crying and that broke me down and I took him back. Which was a bad decision on multiple levels, but it's what happened, and I can't change it any. The whole relationship was unhealthy. On the one hand, he was emotionally manipulative of me, on the other...maybe if he had a girl who better lined up with what he needed, he would've been just fine. A polyamorous seventeen year old with no interest whatsoever in playing mama to anyone was not it.
(And even now, that is one of my chief warning signs. It's not a trigger so much as the hackles being raised on the back of my neck --if I am in or witnessing a relationship, and something is reminding me of mine and kSatyr's, there is Something Wrong and I will do my best to detangle. There are heaps of leftover triggers too (I can't be Needed, for the love of gawds, don't threaten suicide, all the sex stuff) but the mere feeling of that relationship is equivalent to me feeling that something is decidedly Not Right.)
This is a long entry. I apologize guys, I have a couple more long ones in the pipeline for this. As always, you don't have to read anything you don't feel like reading. Being on this filter doesn't mean I expect you to read or respond any more than being on my friends list means I expect you to read or respond to the rest of my livejournal. All it means to be here is that you've been explicitly told that, yep, I'm a rapekid1.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Rape survivor is probably a much more accurate description --use of the word kid sounds either like we're talking child rape, which was decidedly *not* the case2 or being a child *of* rape, which, unless there is something profoundly wrong in my parents' relationship that I've never been told about, isn't true. But I like the word "kid", nevermind that it's apparently incorrect to use due to goats, and I maintain that I am still allowed to use it in reference to myself.
2: Actually, I'm not entirely positive I know where the boundaries between child and statutory rape are, or if there even are distinctions. At any rate, was kSatyr breaking the law? Sure, but due to fuzzy definitions of sex in the first place, it'd be hard to confirm, and it's not like I have or had any interest in dealing with the legal headache.
Seriously, without the sarcasm: I have no interest in involving the law with mine and kSatyr's relationship. The relationship is over, all I'm trying to do is bury the ghosts. Going to court won't serve anything but to make both of us miserable, and me being an intercourse virgin makes it damn hard to say I was even actually raped in the first place.
If I thought kSatyr was a danger to other people, I would probably have different feelings on this. But honestly, I think he's more broken than dangerous, and have always thought that.
When I made that second post, I mentioned something about having several thoughts on the e-mail in general. However, then it hurt too bad to read the words, much less try to respond, so it somewhat languished in my inbox for five months.
However, I'm feeling a bit better, a bit more stable, and have been pondering the depressing question of "what bits of the relationship were and weren't rape?". Because I've tended to say that it started consensual and later became less so, but I've also tended to think that, of the sexual interactions we had that I can remember, many if not all were rapetastic, so that's a disparity that should be addressed at some point.
Additionally, it's worth noting (as I tend to try and remind people) that kSatyr and I had a really fucked up relationship, in all directions. It's easy for me to look back and say "oh, he was shit at communicating and clinged too hard and got paranoid that I was sleeping around" without also looking back and saying "well, I was shit at communicating too, and tended to be a huge flirt and hugslut, and even though I never cheated on him, I could've better respected his whole "don't flirt with other people" thing."
As I've pointed out before, we didn't break up because he was raping me. We broke up beca...did I just manage to write that without breaking a sweat, without panicking, without *noticing?* I...huh. Thank you brain, I need that sometimes.
We broke up because it was a really bad relationship, and it needed to end. Hell, it *had* ended, I broke up with him in August before I went to college, and he broke down crying and that broke me down and I took him back. Which was a bad decision on multiple levels, but it's what happened, and I can't change it any. The whole relationship was unhealthy. On the one hand, he was emotionally manipulative of me, on the other...maybe if he had a girl who better lined up with what he needed, he would've been just fine. A polyamorous seventeen year old with no interest whatsoever in playing mama to anyone was not it.
(And even now, that is one of my chief warning signs. It's not a trigger so much as the hackles being raised on the back of my neck --if I am in or witnessing a relationship, and something is reminding me of mine and kSatyr's, there is Something Wrong and I will do my best to detangle. There are heaps of leftover triggers too (I can't be Needed, for the love of gawds, don't threaten suicide, all the sex stuff) but the mere feeling of that relationship is equivalent to me feeling that something is decidedly Not Right.)
This is a long entry. I apologize guys, I have a couple more long ones in the pipeline for this. As always, you don't have to read anything you don't feel like reading. Being on this filter doesn't mean I expect you to read or respond any more than being on my friends list means I expect you to read or respond to the rest of my livejournal. All it means to be here is that you've been explicitly told that, yep, I'm a rapekid1.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Rape survivor is probably a much more accurate description --use of the word kid sounds either like we're talking child rape, which was decidedly *not* the case2 or being a child *of* rape, which, unless there is something profoundly wrong in my parents' relationship that I've never been told about, isn't true. But I like the word "kid", nevermind that it's apparently incorrect to use due to goats, and I maintain that I am still allowed to use it in reference to myself.
2: Actually, I'm not entirely positive I know where the boundaries between child and statutory rape are, or if there even are distinctions. At any rate, was kSatyr breaking the law? Sure, but due to fuzzy definitions of sex in the first place, it'd be hard to confirm, and it's not like I have or had any interest in dealing with the legal headache.
Seriously, without the sarcasm: I have no interest in involving the law with mine and kSatyr's relationship. The relationship is over, all I'm trying to do is bury the ghosts. Going to court won't serve anything but to make both of us miserable, and me being an intercourse virgin makes it damn hard to say I was even actually raped in the first place.
If I thought kSatyr was a danger to other people, I would probably have different feelings on this. But honestly, I think he's more broken than dangerous, and have always thought that.