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This is as much for personal record as for anything else, because keeping track might be helpful.
So, I got a bad case of the crazies this evening, or, in laymans terms, a bit of a panic attack. More than a bit, really, I was...not...well off. I do believe that this one was the most thorough panic attack I've had in a long while, though I think I thought that about the last one, too. (Granted, I can't remember when the last one was, sooo...)
Uhmyeah. Not that I'm really distractable at the moment or anything.
Anyways, panic attack, woo. One of my more crippling flaws is that I am incapable of asking people for help, or protection, or whatever. In a very similar vein, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to be honest about my mental stability or state. The latter problem is amplified when I'm physically by myself, I can and do lie like a rug online, often very convincingly.1
Unfortunately, what this boils down to is if I need help, I'm not going to get it. Which leads me to today. I am...in a bad way (sharpies on the arms, holding the knife before putting it down quite fast and going into another room, curling up into a ball on the floor, the usual Sorcy panicmode) and some small sane part of my brain is attempting to figure out someone to call. Because if I can conclusively figure out who I should call, and I can convince myself that it won't be a waste of their time, then I may actually be able to dial the number.
There are, as well, other factors as to why I won't call --obviously, if my personal "tragedy" has anything to do with you, you're not going to find your phone ringing. But what it boils down to is the fact that I can't tell people I'm hurt.
And...yeah. It suddenly occurs to me that I don't really feel like sharing any more details than that about tonight. I wound up talking to Janny, because I was able to hit send before I thought about what I was saying and she forced me to call her. So that was really really really good.
People good. I need to remember that people are really good.
Yep. Have a nice day.
~Sor
MOOP!
p.s: I am fine now, do not worry.
1: By which I mean, people who care a shitton about me don't ever call me on it, and I think that they would. And sometimes, they successfully do, and that's just an amazing thing.
So, I got a bad case of the crazies this evening, or, in laymans terms, a bit of a panic attack. More than a bit, really, I was...not...well off. I do believe that this one was the most thorough panic attack I've had in a long while, though I think I thought that about the last one, too. (Granted, I can't remember when the last one was, sooo...)
Uhmyeah. Not that I'm really distractable at the moment or anything.
Anyways, panic attack, woo. One of my more crippling flaws is that I am incapable of asking people for help, or protection, or whatever. In a very similar vein, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to be honest about my mental stability or state. The latter problem is amplified when I'm physically by myself, I can and do lie like a rug online, often very convincingly.1
Unfortunately, what this boils down to is if I need help, I'm not going to get it. Which leads me to today. I am...in a bad way (sharpies on the arms, holding the knife before putting it down quite fast and going into another room, curling up into a ball on the floor, the usual Sorcy panicmode) and some small sane part of my brain is attempting to figure out someone to call. Because if I can conclusively figure out who I should call, and I can convince myself that it won't be a waste of their time, then I may actually be able to dial the number.
There are, as well, other factors as to why I won't call --obviously, if my personal "tragedy" has anything to do with you, you're not going to find your phone ringing. But what it boils down to is the fact that I can't tell people I'm hurt.
And...yeah. It suddenly occurs to me that I don't really feel like sharing any more details than that about tonight. I wound up talking to Janny, because I was able to hit send before I thought about what I was saying and she forced me to call her. So that was really really really good.
People good. I need to remember that people are really good.
Yep. Have a nice day.
~Sor
MOOP!
p.s: I am fine now, do not worry.
1: By which I mean, people who care a shitton about me don't ever call me on it, and I think that they would. And sometimes, they successfully do, and that's just an amazing thing.
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Take care of yourself, 'k? Maybe get some sleep.
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*huggles*
♥ Mad Aunt Harena
1: and this does not mean that you need to fret about my availability; if i am around, i shall answer.. i'm always sad when i miss you on the phone!