Cleaning up my desktop --I always find SOMETHING!

[sorcyress]

A/N: The events and things and thoughts and feelings leading up to this particular thoughtstream have been sorted out and reasoned with and talked over and etc. In short, please don't read too deeply into this post, I'm not trying to put it out there as a hint to anyone*, it is merely some words that I think sound good strung together.

***

8/Dec/2k7

There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked.
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance
(Credit: 'Sing', Dresden Dolls)

***

I have had a theory for some time now that the world would be an easier place to live in if people just went ahead and told each other that they loved them and liked them and wanted to get in their pants.

No seriously. Stop beating around the bush, just go up to the beautiful boy, girl, person, whatever and grab them by the shoulders and tell them you're mad for them. Snog them thoroughly, and even if they freak out, at least you can say you tried.

There is, however, one problem with this theory. Friendship, and friendship privileges.

Friendship privileges? I hear you ask skeptically. Considering I only just coined the term, I'm not suprised you've never heard of it. What they are, are all the things that people let you do to them, because they think your feelings for them are purely platonic.

An example: I am realitively unbody-shy, solong as I am in a group of friends. I will change shirts, or pants, or whatever without a second thought. The second that I suspect someone in the group has a sexual or romantic interest in me, that immodesty ceases. The ability to see my tits is a privilege relegated purely to people that I trust, and that I feel I have a purely platonic relationship with.**

There are other examples, of course. I will grab my platonic friends hands and drag them around, which I won't do with people who I believe are interested in me. A good reverse example is me and Chris right after we 'broke up'. We were still friends, and acting much the same, but it took months for him to give me a "good" hug (long and warm and *sigh*).

The fundemental reason for all these examples is the idea that we don't want to lead people on. If I am not interested in someone, and I know they're interested in me, I will do my best to not treat them as if I am interested in them. Mixed signals are Bad.

So. There are friendship privileges. And if the object of your affections realizes that you fancy them, you won't get as many friendship privileges with them.

This, I believe, is part of why people have such trouble confessing interest to one another. If you are enjoying all sorts of privileges with a friend ("Why of course Veronica, I'd *love* to watch you try on bras!") you're going to be loathe to do anything to jepordize those privileges. Unfortunately, one of the things you can do to jepordize your position is to tell people that you fancy them.

And, of course, there's always the hope that your friend is actually mad for you as well. Should that happen, your friendship privileges generally turn into dating privileges, which tend to be better.

But there is the ultimate problem. It's an analysis of risks --is it better to risk the privileges that you already have in the hopes of getting better privileges, or should you just let it all lay and accept what you've got?

As for me, I tend to be horrible at telling people when I want to stoink*** them. It's the whole bravery thing, paired with my intense internal fear of rejection. That and I *really* like certain privileges I get from people who assume I'm not mad for them. (See: Any play ever, and the fact that actors just kinda arbitrarily change their clothes.)

~Sor
MOOP!

*...anymore.
**This may be less true than I think. I'm not sure how body shy I am at the moment, it tends to vary across a long range, even within the same people.
***Well, technically, I don't want to stoink anybody. Replace with snog/date/pet as appropriate.

Not private because I'm better than that.

Comments

friendship privileges vs. dating privileges

[dhs.livejournal.com]

I have run into that whole 'friendship privileges' vs. 'dating privileges' thing before and I have to admit that I don't entirely grok it. To me it seems to be more of a spectrum. A given pair of people might want the relationship between them to be at different points along that spectrum. It should be OK for each to say where they want to be. I'm perfectly willing to accept a less intimate relationship with someone rather than push hir away, but I don't want to assume and guess about what they want. I've missed out on too much that way. (I expect the same consideration in the other direction, if I'm the one who wants a less intimate connection.) Either way, being honest with your friends shouldn't make them shy away from you.

(Did that make sense? It is tired, and I'm late out.)

[drama-angel3189.livejournal.com]

But I thought you have fun when I drag you with me.
You know the ones I really like...the lacy ones.

P.S. I am wearing my lacy black bra today.

[macaroniandtuna.livejournal.com]

Y'know...I have thoughts on this, but it's 215am. So, tomorrow.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

I think you're generally on to something. Yes, there are things that awareness-of-interest can make awkward. (I suppose the trick is to be, and hang out with, people who are utterly shameless and who have a good mental separation between nudity/touch and sex.)

I have, in fact, lost friendships over telling someone I had the hots for them. Even very disclaimered, very nonpresupposing, very "I'm perfectly cool with it if you're not interested" hots. On the other hand, those are a vast minority, and all the friendships that either stayed basically unchanged or gained connections/priviledges as a result made the risk worth it. I generally tend to err on the side of honesty; the trick is to _mean_ it that you'll be ok if the snogging never happens, and you won't go all weird after the words are out.

[londo.livejournal.com]

It turns out that watching someone I'm hot for try on bras, when they don't know I'm hot for them, makes me hella uncomfortable. Which makes this problem much easier to solve. Not trivial, to be sure, but easier.