sorcyress | (no subject)

(no subject)

So I've been having a lot of meetings on the computer lately.

(Sidebar: Interested in hearing me read aloud from The Number Devil? Join me in a zoom chatroom tomorrow (Saturday) evening at 6pm! This is open to students as well as friends, so be polite please. Whole invite, from Facebook:

So Saturday night (3/28) at 6pm EDT, I am going to be reading aloud from a chapter of The Number Devil*. This will be a zoom chat open to basically anyone, including students (which means basically "don't be a dick and don't out me as anything to my kids I have to keep working with")

If you'd like to attend, the details are below. I'll try and remember to post a reminder tomorrow a little beforehand as well.

Join Zoom Meeting -- Saturday at 6PM
https://zoom.us/j/458774809…
Meeting ID: 458 774 809
Password: mathbook

*The Number Devil is a fantastic chapter book that is basically rudimentary number theory for children --I was reading it around third or fourth grade, I think? Children are absolutely welcome to join the stream, and my hope is to do a few chapters a week.

If you miss a chapter, that's not a problem --each chapter is very standalone (the entire plot of the book boils down to "Robert dreams every night that the number devil comes to teach him math", there, now you're caught up.)

So I've been having a lot of online meetings lately, and mostly in my bedroom since the apartment is only so large and there's three of us currently living here, and I don't wanna be rude to Ez or Rey.

Now, I have put a _lot_ of work into my bedroom. I always do¹ --I am a very extra sort of human being, and a very cluttered sort of spider, and the combination of those means that I want to live in a space as vivacious and dramatic on the exterior as my mindscape is on its interior. My bedroom at this point is an absolute delight and I'm very proud of it and I love living in it. It just...feels right and safe and home and *me*.

But think about that for a second. It feels right and safe and home and me. Me, who wears Other like a second skin, who knew I was kinda queer way before I ever realized I was Kinda Queer². My bedroom has an altar and sex toys and pride flags for curtains and art of spiders and snakes and a boy whose gender is attack helicoptor³.

My bedroom is, in other words, Not Safe For Work. And it's not the sex toys that make it that way (although I would stab myself in the leg a bit before I admitted to my boss or my students that I owned *gasp* a vibrator). Even when I put those away, it is decidedly Not Safe For Work. So I've been having all my department meetings in The Meeting Tent⁴.

Because the meeting tent is very enclosed. There is no chance that I move the webcam in just the wrong way and you see anything other than me, the stripy walls, and the Big Pillow. The meeting tent is, in fact, Safe For Work in a way the rest of the room isn't.

But today I had my first meeting with the ELL department, instead of the math department. And...I did not feel any compulsion to go into the circus tent. I mean, I still made sure the sexy stuff was put away and there weren't brars in the shot or my altar, but like...I did not feel compelled to hide myself from SpareBoss⁵ and the rest of the EnglishLearnerTeacher gang in a way I do from my "actual" department and that is _so_ fascinating to me.

On a probably very related note, like a week before The End Of The World I told my SpareBoss that I was nonbinary. She was _super_ ridiculously cool about it and I love her so much. She is the first example of education admin that I have ever seen and gone "ahhhh, that is why people become admins, that is how they are willing to give up on actual teaching of students to manage other adults". I like my MainBoss very much, and remain so pleased that she was willing to give me a chance and respect the advice she gives me and work well with her. But my commitment and respect for her are pretty much purely on a professional level. SpareBoss makes me want to Become Something Better and that's one of the highest compliments I can give to just about anyone in my life.

So the NEST team got to see my actual bedroom. Which is to say, from where my computer is positioned, the wall above my bed with my snake art and my whiteboard and my lamp and one of my pride flag windows and my filing cabinet. It's not exactly a Shocking Example Of Weirdness, it's probably pretty much what someone would expect if they were warned they were going to see a space I controlled. But I felt no tension about sharing even that little slice of My Home, My Safe, My Me with them.

I'm like 200% certain no one else cares or is thinking about this nearly as intensely as I am. Like, I am _certain_ my therapist doesn't have her meetings in her office with the bookshelf in the background just to make her patients crane their necks to see what titles they can read. I'm pretty sure this is bigtime Something I Am Overthinking.

But in a world and space where "work-home balance" has gone completely bullshit wack, I am looking for whatever safety and stabilization I can. And right now, it's the control over who I let into what parts of my life. I am a ridiculously open book, you can read an accounting of my thoughts and feelings and trauma and weird from...like, before half my students were born, okay? But I don't just open that book for everyone, even though it may seem like I do. I can code switch and I can be professional and draw boundaries.

It's just sometimes those boundaries take the form of a red and yellow striped circus tent. And it is fascinating to see where they are drawn.

~Sor
MOOP!

PostScript I...thought this post was going to be about a thousand words shorter than it was, and it is kinda fascinating to me HOW MUCH I HAD TO SAY about all these different related little topics. Also I should Go The Fuck To Sleep, jegus kiddo it late!

1: The thing I find most mindboggling about Austin is that he managed to live in his place in Cambridge for two full years and never put up any art in his bedroom. He even owns art! I just..._how_?!?! Like, it took me until January or so to get really serious about arting up my room, but I knew that not doing it earlier was Bad and made me feel Bad, and like, I still got _some_ small stuff up and on the walls even then!

2: Part of why I love the word queer for my gender and sexuality is because I've always liked the concept of being a weirdo and being a little queer in that old-fashioned just plain strange sort of way appeals.

3: I'm like...sixty-five percent certain that when Shaenon and Jeff were writing Skin Horse, they were not intentionally making this joke. Actually, I just searched google trends and compared that to the date of the relevant chapter of Skin Horse and I am _incredibly_ grateful to see that...er...they in fact predicted this one.

(And yes yes, Nick does not *sexually* ID as an attack helicopter, and his gender seems to be pretty solidly and totally male, and to be fair, he's a pacifist so he's really a non-attack helicopter. It doesn't stop me loving the sweary little nightmare though. You'd think "Tip the Beautiful Bisexual Self-Centered Transvestite" would be the character in Skin Horse I love and relate to most, but oh god no, I love Nick so very very very much and have since basically year one. I have four original drawings of him on my wall (in various guises including "princess") and probably a fifth in the package I haven't opened yet from the most recent kickstarter.)

4: I own a red and yellow stripy circus tent playhouse from Ikea. I paid like ten bucks for it, on impulse, because it was in the scratch-and-dent pile and didn't have, I dunno, a box or instructions or something?

5: I am in the math department and was hired by My Boss, also known as math department head and she's in charge of my Professional Development hours and stuff like that. But because I teach Algebra1 for English Language Learners, I am also in NEST (Newcomers to English Success Team), and have my SpareBoss who is in charge of NEST and the ELL department (as of last year! She's very new to the role, which didn't exist before last year!!!) and I meet with NEST twice a week. It's all the teachers who teach English Learners and it's *super* helpful to get to consult with them'll about students and practices.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I really enjoyed reading this. It's a powerful reflection about the nature of intimacy and vulnerability, but in a framing we don't usually highlight.

Thank you!

I have come to consciously realize in the last few months or so that one of my love languages is "look at this cool thing I have/let me see the cool thing you have". I really really like seeing how people reflect themselves via objects and decoration. I am always thrilled to get to paw through someone's wallet or look at their bookshelf or poke around their apartment.

So "look at my room" is in part a way for me to say "love me, and let me love you" which is nice, I think.

~Sor

It's my impression that seeing other people's dwellings has become a feature of non-work zoom gatherings, at least. I don't know how much of Wednesday's ringer's thing you saw, but it involved Michael's new apartment and a very detailed tour of Anna and Nick's first floor and garden. Arthur's family gathering last Sunday included five such tours.

I saw all of Michael's apartment tour and then needed to bail in the middle of Anna's. I _love_ the idea and would be quite happy to see more home tours!

We watched an hour long fundraising concert on TV tonight, from people's homes. Now I feel that we should have a home studio, because many of the performers had professional level studios at home. We suspected that Billie Eilish and her brother might have been at their parents' house, though, based on decor. Just two voices and a guitar, with no obvious fancy equipment (probably was better than a phone, though).

I have so so much envy of how much creativity and joy and nesting you've put into your living space, and it feels so very very vibrant and delightful-weirdo and you, and I am very curious to see how the split between sharing/not-sharing that with the different departments continues in future. ♥

I've been very lucky, to be able to spread myself out so much. It's one of the benefits to being kinda hoarder-adjacent? I have lots of _options_ for my bedroom!

~Sor

". Like, I am _certain_ my therapist doesn't have her meetings in her office with the bookshelf in the background just to make her patients crane their necks to see what titles they can read."

Huh. I've been having my meetings from my couch, but this appeals to my ego enough that I'm now thinking of having meetings with one of my bookcases behind me.

Yesssss dooo eet!

I love the idea of a SFW tent. Like, I'm imagining draping one over my computer desk (it's one of those large beasties with a top shelf that's set well enough above my head that I could literally put a fitted sheet on it, and, so long as I had some kind of poles behind me to attach the other end to, I could make a tent that way. But what really caught me about this is that the whole conversation was something that I've been mulling over a bunch myself. There are certain elements missing from my bedroom now that I am an Adult with a Monogamous Nesting Partner and isn't that just the nature of Compromise? But considering it, tangential though it is in the grand scheme here, I never actually ASKED my partner if he was opposed to them, I just assumed he would be. That aside though, the aesthetic energy of your room sounds so, so much like mine, albeit I am one of those weirdos with no art. I love and appreciate it, but I have always had trouble justifying large expenditures that don't Serve a Purpose, so art has usually lost out to Responsible Adult Expenditures, regardless of whether they are immediate or merely hypothetical. But the aesthetic of *weird* permeates my whole apartment, so as I toy with trying to stream, or maybe making videos, and now even just if I end up turning on my webcam for my monthly-sih tabletop tomorrow, I'm looking around my immediate surroundings and asking, "Is this too much for the people who may see it?" And I'm lucky, and I know this, that I CAN mostly get away with how much I don't care if it's too much. I don't deal with clients over skype or anything, so my work is completely disconnected from the conversation, and I'm sure it would be a different story if that were not the case.

This is... a bit more aimless than I'd hoped, but I know how good I'm not about coming BACK to things these days, so I will leave the bit that would've bubbled up in person, and then stop a little short to say that this post felt very cozy and I connected with where you're coming from and thank you for sharing it.

Ha! I am very excite by the idea of making your desk into a fort/tent!

As I've gotten older, and *much* more financially stable, I have finally started buying art on the regular. But when I was in college, and before that, I still had a pretty thoroughly decorated room, it was just a *lot* more stuff like "xkcd comics printed out from the internet" or "collages of eyes cut out from magazines". Stuff that I created, or my friends mailed me. I own *lots* of little toys from thrift stores, which find their ways to the tops of door frames any time they're wide enough (right now the door out of my bedroom is a random assortment, and the door to the kitchen is covered in My Little Ponies, bought for a quarter each or so at the thrift store I used to work for). So yeah, I am a firm believer that Decoration Does Not Have To Be Expensive!

The compromise around a partner thing is a really interesting one. I've not lived with a partner since...gosh, I think Sparr moved to Chicago in 2014 or so? Even then though, we had separate bedrooms --that's honestly a must for me. Polyamory reasons, and craziness reasons both. If I ever did have a partner I wanted to share a bedroom with, I'd still insist on us having separate spaces with doors that closed, as long as we could afford it.

(For instance, my sir and his wife share the master bedroom, but he has a tiny winterized porch office, and she has her computer set up in the guest room. It's a very good setup)

((I recognize that this isn't feasible for all people because money, and that it's not desired by all people, even all polyam people, because People Are Different. But I'm pretty adamant that if at all possible, every person should have a space they can go with a door they can close and they should have the right to go in that space and close the door when they want.))

~Sor

you know, if you'd asked 25-year-old Eliška if they would ever want a separate bedroom from their partner, they woulda totally blown off the idea as something that is fine for other people to do, but why would I ever want that??? Snuggles in bed are the best!!

...turns out you can snuggle in bed with people without sharing your entire living-sacred space with them, and it turns out that I am never ever ever gonna share a bedroom if I don't absolutely have to ever again. Like yes, okay, as a solo-poly person, there are logistical and practical reasons why I want to always have my own bedroom, even when I live with partners; I absolutely refuse to kick someone out of their space just because I want a sleepover with someone else. But also. As you say—just being able to close the door and have my space to myself (and have a space where nobody else is gonna come in and mess things up unless I invite them to do so!!!) is so so so important.

One of the things

tilell and I have kicked around is the idea of spending a few months a year living on a sailboat, some years down the line, and even in that scenario we have separate berths. A tiny space, yes, but still a space that's mine and a space that's his to retreat to. Yeah, we will probably still share a bed more nights than not, but having the option to just have my stuffed animals and my thick heavy cloud of blankets that would smother him is so so necessary.

(hi sorry this turned into eliška doing armchair therapy at you, I kinda wish cuts on comments were a thing so you could decide not to read it if you dunwanna, but in the absence of that, here, have a disclaimer!)

The thing that jumps out at me here is the chain of assumptions from monogamous nesting partner -> compromise -> can't monopolize the decorating. I mean yes, that chain of assumptions doesn't actually surprise me, especially given that I suspect this twitter thread is as relevant to you as it was to so many of the other people I love, but I think it's interesting because those assumptions...don't have to follow one from the other.

Like. Just because you have a monogamous nesting partner doesn't mean that everything has to be a compromise—the things that are really important to you might not matter at all to them, and vice versa! Like if you have the opportunity to choose from a selection of stuff, and you deliberately choose your second choice because obviously your first choice is also someone else's first choice so they should obviously have it—which is well-intentioned but also probably unnecessary, and anyway you deserve to have your first choice as much as anyone else does; their desires are not inherently more important than yours. And none of that would be inherent to Only Living With One Very-Entwined Person, either—all housemates have opinions about stuff, after all, even the feline ones.

(there is more of a separate-but-related thought in reply to Sorcy above)

Edited 2020-04-02 18:31 (UTC)

Hahahahaha of *course* you have a little circus tent that you use for videocalls. That's amazing. :-D

I'm pretty great, aren't I?

It is true! \o/

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only