![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
If there's anything more important than my ego around here...
There is a Marilyn Monroe quote that I found some months back. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it's been rattling around in my head ever since, resonating and finding bits of me to latch onto. It may currently be one of the most important pieces of relationship advice I have in my personal arsenal.
It just rings so spectacularly true for me. I am, if we're being perfectly honest here, a bit of a mess mentally. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y getting better at it. But it's agonizing to me sometimes how much time it takes to iron out all the negative wrinkles from a practised brain, how difficult it is to turn wounds into scars into solid self again. I am, unequivocally, not there yet, not with any of the various fractures and fuck-ups my brain tries to do to me. If you're going to make a serious commitment to me --be it lover, friend, moirail1, or something else entirely-- you're going to have to deal with the fact that sometimes I will stop working in any sane or functional way, and it would be nice of you to help me fix that.2
But you know what?
I'm so worth it.
I am intelligent enough to hold my own in nearly any conversation. I am reasonably quick-witted and *always* eloquent --I think very hard about my words before I say them, and tend to use them precisely. I am hyper consent-oriented, and enough of an activist to accept and defend pretty much anyone until they prove themselves asinine. I have the need to create like most people need breathing, and I don't typically care the delivery method as long as I'm making SOMEthing. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends and lovers, and will defend other people far more intensely than I'd ever defend myself. I'm impatient enough to be an excellent leader in a group ("we're doing this now!") and charismatic enough to keep people from resenting that. And I am _awesome_ in bed, and if you don't believe me, I'll get some letters of reference and they will be the most fawning things you ever did read3
If you can't handle me at my worst, if you won't handle me at my worst, aren't willing to put up with the gender dysphoria and the rape triggers and the daddy issues and the imperfection stress and the fear of commitment and the strong and sour fear of people leaving me...if you just aren't interested in interacting with me when I'm not in the right frame of mind, and everything seems broken or lost or numb...
...then you will never get to see me shine.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Uh. It's a term from Homestuck. The translation I operate under is sortof a "super close friendship where one member of the pairing is responsible for/good at calming the other member down when they get worked up and are going into angrysmashrar mode." I have a two-way moirailship with Ria, because both of us are good at negating the other's ANGRYSMASHRARness. Also, because Ria is the bestest person of all persons, pretty much all of the time. 'Rails before pails forever1a.
1a: No, I'm not going to talk about pails or buckets in this public journal. What sort of uncouth troll do you take me for?1b
1b: Look, if you want to keep up with all the things I reference, you are just going to have to read more webcomics. start here. It is 4000+ pages long and ridiculously complicated, enjoy!
2: I, of course, do not expect you to fix that. Nor will I likely ask you to help me fix that (especially not explicitly) unless I am _way_ way way way more fractured than normal, and in very particular ways. If I'm panic attacking, for instance, I almost never tell people, and certainly not directly.
3: Except that I date smartalecky folk, who'd likely take this as a "let's take her ego down a notch" challenge. In all seriousness, I have no idea how I rate on the general sexings scale, but I'm enthusiastic, creative and clever, have a fair bit of practise and am very focused on Making People Happy. This seems to work well for me.
As an aside, a long time ago, someone told me "I really don't understand what your host of boyfriends see in you". I replied, truthfully, that I didn't either.
I still don't know what people see in me. But you know what? Every once in a while, I recognize that I am a potent individual, with all the power that implies. I can tell what my boys see in me --it's the same things I see in myself when I'm having a good day. And trust me, I have enough of the good days to know, deep down in the part of yourself that makes or breaks your self-image, that I am a wicked pissah individual, the likes of which most people just can't keep up with.
What do my boyfriends see in me? They see me. And that's absolutely enough.
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
It just rings so spectacularly true for me. I am, if we're being perfectly honest here, a bit of a mess mentally. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y getting better at it. But it's agonizing to me sometimes how much time it takes to iron out all the negative wrinkles from a practised brain, how difficult it is to turn wounds into scars into solid self again. I am, unequivocally, not there yet, not with any of the various fractures and fuck-ups my brain tries to do to me. If you're going to make a serious commitment to me --be it lover, friend, moirail1, or something else entirely-- you're going to have to deal with the fact that sometimes I will stop working in any sane or functional way, and it would be nice of you to help me fix that.2
But you know what?
I'm so worth it.
I am intelligent enough to hold my own in nearly any conversation. I am reasonably quick-witted and *always* eloquent --I think very hard about my words before I say them, and tend to use them precisely. I am hyper consent-oriented, and enough of an activist to accept and defend pretty much anyone until they prove themselves asinine. I have the need to create like most people need breathing, and I don't typically care the delivery method as long as I'm making SOMEthing. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends and lovers, and will defend other people far more intensely than I'd ever defend myself. I'm impatient enough to be an excellent leader in a group ("we're doing this now!") and charismatic enough to keep people from resenting that. And I am _awesome_ in bed, and if you don't believe me, I'll get some letters of reference and they will be the most fawning things you ever did read3
If you can't handle me at my worst, if you won't handle me at my worst, aren't willing to put up with the gender dysphoria and the rape triggers and the daddy issues and the imperfection stress and the fear of commitment and the strong and sour fear of people leaving me...if you just aren't interested in interacting with me when I'm not in the right frame of mind, and everything seems broken or lost or numb...
...then you will never get to see me shine.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Uh. It's a term from Homestuck. The translation I operate under is sortof a "super close friendship where one member of the pairing is responsible for/good at calming the other member down when they get worked up and are going into angrysmashrar mode." I have a two-way moirailship with Ria, because both of us are good at negating the other's ANGRYSMASHRARness. Also, because Ria is the bestest person of all persons, pretty much all of the time. 'Rails before pails forever1a.
1a: No, I'm not going to talk about pails or buckets in this public journal. What sort of uncouth troll do you take me for?1b
1b: Look, if you want to keep up with all the things I reference, you are just going to have to read more webcomics. start here. It is 4000+ pages long and ridiculously complicated, enjoy!
2: I, of course, do not expect you to fix that. Nor will I likely ask you to help me fix that (especially not explicitly) unless I am _way_ way way way more fractured than normal, and in very particular ways. If I'm panic attacking, for instance, I almost never tell people, and certainly not directly.
3: Except that I date smartalecky folk, who'd likely take this as a "let's take her ego down a notch" challenge. In all seriousness, I have no idea how I rate on the general sexings scale, but I'm enthusiastic, creative and clever, have a fair bit of practise and am very focused on Making People Happy. This seems to work well for me.
As an aside, a long time ago, someone told me "I really don't understand what your host of boyfriends see in you". I replied, truthfully, that I didn't either.
I still don't know what people see in me. But you know what? Every once in a while, I recognize that I am a potent individual, with all the power that implies. I can tell what my boys see in me --it's the same things I see in myself when I'm having a good day. And trust me, I have enough of the good days to know, deep down in the part of yourself that makes or breaks your self-image, that I am a wicked pissah individual, the likes of which most people just can't keep up with.
What do my boyfriends see in me? They see me. And that's absolutely enough.
no subject
I live for the day that i actually get to see you at your worst, 'cause you've never really shown it to me.
Which is probly why i don't think i count as Real Friend to you. Though, i will say again that i totally appreciate the efforts you have gone to for me especially lately when i have been more broken than not.
'Causeyar, i totally don't get what people would see in me to bother and what with abandonment crap i've been going through lately (which you do know about) only makes that puzzlement deeper.
Woot for the not getting better but worse thing :Pno subject
HEY GUESS WHAT. YOU ARE A REAL FRIEND!
Seriously, no one gets to see that far behind the walls in the moment. No one. People see me sad and fractured (and you have _so_ been one of them, any time I've ever told you I needed a hug, and don't you dare let the negvox tell you that doesn't happen because I am quite sure it does) and a little bit broken, but no one sees me at my worst unless I post to elljay. And I usually don't.
I LIKE YOU HAR. I THINK YOU ARE AWESOME, AND I THINK YOUR BEST IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY WORTH YOUR WORST LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES OVER.
~Sor
no subject
Thank you DarlySor. Thank you for putting the negvox in their place and thank you for letting me be a Real Friend to you. Thank you :')
. o O (YEAH MAKE POISON WITH THOSE TEARS THEY WILL MELT WICKED WITCHES OHYES FERRET TEARS OF JOY TAKE THAT YOU
BWITCHES)<.< >.>
no subject
no subject
no subject
And, rightfully, anyone that puts up with me is a better person than I am, so I have no reason to throw stones and every reason to help. Just gotta ask and I can do what I can to help, I like it, makes me feel slightly less cynical.
...But only slightly.
no subject
Next time you introduce someone to Homestuck, if you want to boost your Prankster's Gambit, just explain that it's a walkthrough of one of those "locked room" adventures. Then wait for the frantic 2AM email: "I finished it. When is the next update?!"
no subject