sorcyress | Never let me try to write comedy again. Ever.

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Never let me try to write comedy again. Ever.

DISCLAIMER-SLASH-WARNING: This entry is a very good illustration about why I don't write comedy. It also contains references to menstruation, masturbation, UTIs, accidentally burning one's netherbits by peeing on a fire, God, and The Catcher in the Rye

Also irreverence about dying, apologies for such that sound much less convincing than I really did mean them, fainting, scientific debates about the likelihood of me drowning in the bath, and a link to a blog that would be the funniest thing in existence, except some of her humour makes me nervous, like her being irreverent towards the word rape or writing an entry about how she decided to find out if her dog was actually retarded after observing that it wasn't exactly the smartest of mutts. Which, given the evidence, she has a point that her dog may very well be the canine equivalent of mentally challenged. I just shy away from the word retarded.

(Arrrrg it is hard to find humour that is also appealing to me as a good person.)

AT ANY RATE, you should read it if you like reading me being very babbly and dramatic. Especially because it's shorter than this intro! Okay, no, that was a lie, it's about four times as long as this intro, but WHATEVER GUYS! Just read! Or don't! It's up to you!

You guys.

I think I'm dying.

See, it hurts, a lot, in my baby-making region. Granted, this happens about every fourth time I spew blood from the crotch, but I grow whinier each time, and dammit, it's summer! I'm not supposed to cramp so badly in the warmth of the summer! These cramps that make me crawl into a tiny ball, clutching just below my stomach and caterwauling in pain are supposed to be a winter only friend!

So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I took an ibuprofen and a hot bath and they didn't have any result besides me noticing that it's been a really long time since I've had a bath by myself, and I kinda hate hot baths. Like, a lot. You can't read unless you do it at stupid angles, and the heat dries your skin out and I think I tried to faint.

Yes really. I was just kind of lying there after I elegantly dropped the book on the floor and sorta staring at the faucet and the world kept cycling back and forth from "tinted a dull brown" to "tinted a greyish pink". I tried very hard to figure out if the brown was getting darker each cycle, by staying very still and focusing on my breathing, but I couldn't tell, and after a couple minutes, I determined that science was all well and good, but if I fainted in the bath and my head fell in the water and I drowned, then all the boys I like would laugh at me. A lot.

(And I was fairly sure that if I fainted and my head went in the water, I would wake up, but that is the sort of thing that you want to be one hundred percent sure about, and besides, I do not want to wake up and be drowning, especially not in bathwater. Baths are kinda gross. It makes sense I haven't taken one by myself in a while.)

Have you ever noticed that I become much funnier when I am talking about being in severe physical pain or perhaps DROWNING TO DEATH? I do not actually think I am funnier, or hell, even all that funny, but I have stronger aspirations to become some sort of comedian when my body is betraying me. Plus, last night I read like sixty entries of Hyperbole and a Half, which was an excellent plan in terms of laughing a lot and nearly falling out of my chair, but a bad plan in terms of her affecting my writing style, because everything with a distinctive voice that I read affects my writing style and internal monologue for a few days.

This is why I hate The Catcher In The Rye.

At any rate, when pain happens to me, it makes me want to be funny. I figure it is the least I can do to placate the people who have to put up with me howling "I'M DYING" all the time, and deal with me crawling around on my hands and knees because I lack the energy to actually stand and sometimes I'll just collapse on the landing of the stairs and make them step over me.

This is why, when I'm sick, I usually park myself in front of the TV and watch six hours of ER or something. At least that bathroom only involves crawling up like six stairs. Except we're in the apartment in Chicago now, and there aren't any stairs at all, and three bathrooms, so I'm pretty much in dying person heaven. Which I think would probably be normal heaven, but I am probably starting to get offensively irreverent, so I really do apologize for that. I am not really dying guys, and dying is a serious plight that should not be treated as a joke. I'm just spewing blood out of my vajeener which is making me miserable.

What do you mean you didn't need to know that?! You read my livejournal! Of course you get to know things like that! And look, if you're all worrying about TMI at least I did not tell you all about that urinary tract infection I had last year, which was miserable, kickstarted my interest in cranberry juice as being something delicious, and also convinced me that I was dying.

Waking up because of a UTI is the most miserable way to wake up ever. Truefax.

At any rate, that was another instance in which I dearly wanted to become a comedian. I figured I could've done a quite entertaining set about how much UTIs suck and about how the church should really just use that as an excuse against masturbation, rather than the whole hairy palms and going blind thing.

(Have I ever mentioned that whenever I hear the side effects of something include going blind, I immediately associate it with masturbation? Yeah, I'm a weird kid.)

Because, see, you can get a UTI if you masturbate, or at least if you don't wash your hands well enough and masturbate, so clearly, they are a way for god to punish us all for spilling seed without reason or however that line goes. Except, I masturbate all the time, and I'm pretty good about washing my hands before and after, and I've only had the UTI once, so I really don't think that's it. Or at least, God is too busy punishing everyone else that he hasn't gotten back around to me or something.

Sorry was that TMI again? Anyways, the point is that with UTIs, you can just take a bunch of antibiotics and magically be better, which is awesome, but leads me to wonder why the hell I just can't take some pills for my whole spewing blood from the crotch thing and magically be better? Because let me tell you, that would be awesome. Boys don't know how easy they have it, with their whole being able to pee whenever they want and write their names in the snow and not bleed.

Did I mention that a couple weeks ago I was pop-quizing people on what to do when you're done with a campfire? Someone answered "pee on it" as part of putting it out, which made me stare at them. Peeing on a campfire would be SO COOL but noooo, because girl-bodies are stupidly designed, I would probably burn my ladybits or something, and then I wouldn't be able to masturbate for months, and that would suck.

But hey, at least God wouldn't need to punish me any more.

Luv
~Sor
MOOP!

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Actually, i think waking up with a migraine is worse than waking up with a UTI; i have experience, you see.

i also have experience with peeing standing up and i think i could totally do it... only i'd get distracted by the fire & then burn my hairy bits ;P

I don't have any experience waking up with a UTI, just having one, but I'm going to have to agree anyway. Waking up with a migraine is the worst thing ever.

I don't have any experience waking up with or having a UTI, but I've been awakened by a severe migraine, and I certainly can't think of anything worse I've experienced, so I believe you.

...You are almost certainly right. I am lucky enough to not get migrained, so, yeah.

Hahaha, burning the hairy bits would be...unfortunate. And is it wrong I laughed?

~Sor

It's totally okay you laughed! i laughed with you ;D

in no protickler hors d'oeuvre:

1. Do I need to dig up the web page about how to pee standing up if all you have on hand (so to speak) is female body parts? Don't make me, because I'll do it. >.>

2. Periods are evidence of bad design (thus disproving the whole God thing, unless you define God as "whatever arbitrary stuff we decide is true" which, sadly, is how they generally do it). More to the point, they seem to be uniquely human bad design. Harena seems to disagree with me about this, but, I mean, when did you last see a lady elephant buying "feminine hygiene" products? Or a lady wolf, bear, tiger, etc.

3. UTIs aren't scary enough for the authoritarian mindset. Eternal damnation is just about big enough to get through to them. Actually, I suppose after being threatened with that, anything else seems trivial. Your wife ran off with your best friend, your dog, your shotgun, and your pick-up truck? Hey, who cares -- at least you're not ETERNALLY DAMNED™.

4. I could comment on "boys have it lucky" and "girl bodies are stupidly designed", but it'll probably have to be a locked post -- mainly so my stupid relatives and ex-relatives can't make more drama about what I Put On The Internet.

Okay, I'm spent... [throws camera over shoulder]

(Anyone else want to be on my Gender filter?)
*debates between a "Me me me!" and a "Guess." and decides to go with both*

Silly Rtizy, you already arrrrrrre! (Srsly, if you didn't see a post yesterday, poke me.)

Just making sure! I'm pretty sure I did see a post yesterday (but didn't read it yet because I'm a terrible person and have been putting off catching up on the internet until everything's settled)

If I'm not on your gender filter, I will cry until you take pity and open those entries to me. But I'm pretty sure I'm already there.

1) You might, though I'm sure I could just google it.

2) Seriously, very bad design. Although all the God people seem to think that periods are all WOMENS SHOULD BE PUNISHED so I'm not sure any of them would listen to it as a justification for why Intelligent Design isn't.

3) Oh sure, eternal damnation gets said a lot too. But before the eternal damnation point, you also get threatened with hairy palms --and trust me, you do NOT want to be in eternal hell with hair all over your palms. Way too hot!

4) I would love to see this post. Also, as I'm sure I've said before, I can orgasm multiple times and boy-bodied people generally can't, haha! I would not trade that for the peeing convenience, ever.

~Sor

Yes, you are. And if you didn't see a post from me yesterday, then (as I said to Rtziy) Houston We Have A Problem.

#1: I believe this (http://otoh.org/mirror/restrooms.org/standing.html) is the current incarnation of the page I was thinking of. (Wikipedia's article on urination appears to refer to the original, as archived at that archive.org place.)

#2: that's the "whatever arbitrary stuff we decide is true" definition of God, whom I personally challenge to a duel. At dawn. With wet noodles. Battle of the Imaginary Entities!

#3: so where are all these people with hairy palms, anyway? (As for me, already got hairy face, chest, etc.; hairy palms hardly seems like much of a threat. Fix the hairy face and maybe a few other things, and I might agree to feel worried about hairy palms.)

#4: I guess I should write that then, shouldn't I. Time permitting, I shall. Feel free to poke, as this will help convince me that other people would actually want to read it.

Belated further thoughts...

<TMI> #4b: I've actually done that on a couple of occasions, though it was rather wearing and I have to think that it's a good thing that it gets more difficult after the first one otherwise I would probably spend way too much time doing it.</TMI> You really wanted to know that, right? Right. That's why I said it. Okay, onward...

The other thing is that menstruation is one of the things that, in my view, is just Really Not Right With The Universe. It was a huge shock to learn about it in middle school, and it has never really come to seem like a reasonable or acceptable part of reality, and I don't understand why (misogyny/patriarchism aside) there hasn't a big huge crash research program to solve it since at least the 1960s.

I kind of get the feeling that most people don't feel that way, however. ...and that's all for now.

Regarding #2: I think some of the non-human primates also have periods. Also, dogs do have bloody discharge when in heat, though it's at a different point of the cycle than it is in humans.

DISCLAIMER-SLASH-WARNING

Didn't we decide warning for slash was inappropriate? ;)

It was a clever ruse --I don't want my journal to be read by the sort of people who are offended by slash and therefore think there should be warnings. You'll note that there is little actual slash in the entry --all part of my trick! The people who don't like slash will see the warning and scamper off, falling into my cunning plan, as they are NOT WORTHY to read my words.

Or something like that.

~Sor

...but if I fainted in the bath and my head fell in the water and I drowned, then all the boys I like would laugh at me. A lot.
I laughed at you just because of that sentence. So. Yeah.

I also laughed at the paragraph about the irreverence of death. You are totally allowed to try to write comedy, you are a pretty funny person. I ought to know, I don't date people who don't have a sense of humour.

Oh good. I may bequeath to you the honour of being in charge of making people laugh at me at my funeral, if I died in a particularly stupid way.

I didn't think it was particularly good when I wrote it, but going back, I totally started giggling madly at I am not really dying guys, and dying is a serious plight that should not be treated as a joke., so I think that's a pretty good sign.

And having a sense of humour is not quite the same thing as being funny, I think.

~Sor

Making yourself laugh with something you wrote is always fun.

And having a sense of humour is not quite the same thing as being funny, I think.
No, but they do tend to go together. And I'd like to think that my being able to recognise the one would aid me in recognising the other.

Sorry was that TMI again? Anyways, the point is that with UTIs, you can just take a bunch of antibiotics and magically be better, which is awesome, but leads me to wonder why the hell I just can't take some pills for my whole spewing blood from the crotch thing and magically be better? Because let me tell you, that would be awesome. Boys don't know how easy they have it, with their whole being able to pee whenever they want and write their names in the snow and not bleed.

1) Seasonale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonale).

2) http://www.bing.com/search?q=device+to+stand+up+urinate

Pff, devices. I have heard tell you can do it just with good aim! Or something like that. It also seems hard to practise.

Man, things like Seasonale are the best damn reason to get on birth control I have ever heard.

~Sor

i think some of those search results are sans device

... Okay, so I read the whole thing, expecting to see some mention of Slash, but didn't see any. I was like, "Okay, maybe she is trying to confuse us?" and went on with the rest of my LJ reading. An hour later, I'm looking at the heading again, and realizing that you meant Disclaimer/Warning... and not in the anthropomorphic sense, either (although now my brain is wanting to write a drabble between characters named Disclaimer and Warning).

*laughs* Nope. I personally don't see much of a reason to warn for slash, either --at least not any more reason than to warn for heterosexual romance.

That being said, see also my response to Magus above, in which it does become all about confusing people.

~Sor

Actually I suspect a decent amount of the whole "argh touch yourself and you'll get diseases" thing doesn't have a great deal of basis in fact so much as prudish
panic on the part of doctors a while back. In like the same way that you don't wanna eat food with dirty hands but most people when offered a biscuit don't say "oh dear, let me find a bathroom and wash my hands first" unless they've been doing something unusually grubby. Vaginas have reasonably decent protection systems, I think the average amount of bacterium only becomes a problem when you're dealing with something like tampons which a) stay in for hours b) irritate the walls of the vagina c) stop the flow of stuff downwards (this happens all the time, and helps keep things clean) and blocks clots and things up there. And even then hardly anyone gets TSS.

Not a doctor though.

/TMI

Well, see, I'm dead certain that masturbating will not give you hairy palms. (The jury's still out on blindness) I'm fairly certain that masturbating will not actually give UTIs, especially not if you pee afterwards. But I think if masturbation is going to cause *anything*, UTIs are more likely than blindness

~Sor

i'm pretty certain that i've given myself mild uti's from ~~masturbating~~unsquiggling but it was more of a "dang, really should have washed my hands first >.>" sort of thing.

*checks palms* Nope, no hair. And i blame my failing eyesight to this aging Ugly Bag of Mostly Water my youngself currently resides in.

Ps. Hugs? Sorry about the cramps :(

Pps. If you hyperventilate then hold your breath your body doesn't realise when you need more air (because you've flushed out all the co2 from your system, and your body measures co2 not o2 content when working out how much o2 you have available). So if you hyperventilate then hold your breath you can end up falling unconcious... Do people hyperventilate when they faint?

I...don't. At least I don't think I do. So yeah, that's good to know.

And thank you for hugs!

~Sor

If only there were some way to reduce the pain of cramping...

I tried. Scientific data to be collected over the next several months, assuming I can pay enough attention to remember. Possibly have to create new hypothesis to explain severity of cramps.

~Sor

Doesn't Midol work on the cramps? I was told by various lady friends of mine that it works pretty good, but not the magic pill that you are looking for.

I also don't believe in the hairy palms and blindness from masturbation crap either. That's an old wives tale actually. Hairy palms can be blamed on unfortunate genetics, and blindness - well, people either stare at the sun or bright objects of equal power too long, didnt eat their carrots, and hereditary dispositions to go blind... unless they are referring to male ejaculation that somehow has a trajectory that ends up in the eyes. *Shrugs*

Anyhoo, hope you are feeling better soon when the veejay red tide ends. Eat some chocolate!

Midol and ibuprofen work much the same way, which is to say help.

I assure you I meant no seriousness with the hairy palms and blindness. I am living proof that it causes neither (my glasses nonwithstanding)

Pfah, chocolate. No interest. Now, a nice piece of brown bread with raspberry jam has possibilities...

Nice to see you, by the way! Your journal has been quiet, how goes life and the universe and such?

~Sor

Aha, I pretty much abandoned LJ for the naughty mistress Facebook. :3 But I do check LJ daily for friends and communities updates, but these are slowly decreasing in frequency as well as the posters move on to other things such as Facebook and Twitter.

Life is going pretty nicely for me. Im just biding my time in DULLVILLE, MS until October 2010 to finally move to my dream city, Portland, Oregon and hike/ski my heart out! :D

a) midol/ibuprofen
b) heating pads
c) seasonale, or you can even just do it yourself with the regular birth control, as long as you don't have one of the doses-vary-by-week kind. just skip the placebo pills. (caution: may cause spotting)

persistent really awful cramps might be cysts. birth control can help with that too.

hugs!

Edited 2010-07-16 04:55 (UTC)

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Never let me try to write comedy again. Ever.

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