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So, like I said in my previous post, I wrote this an undisclosed amount of time ago, when someone I cared about was hurt by a mutual friend. At the time, I could easily tell that posting it would be inviting drama, so I just tossed it into a file on my desktop. Being as rereading this doesn't reawaken severe anger anymore, I think it's cool to post.
And yes, everyone involved has sorted out their problems and are fine. The world is filled with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns again, and we're all gonna go sing songs. :P
Elljay entry removed from immediacy:
So, I don't get angry often. When I do, when I get legitimately pissed at someone, like all my emotions, I don't go halfway. You hurt someone I care about and I don't just want to hurt you, I want to wrap my hands around your throat and snap your neck.
This, oddly enough, scares me. While on the one hand, I like that I have these mama bear instincts to protect the people I care about, on the other, I (used to?) consider myself a reasonably pacifistic person. I don't want to hurt people, ever, that kind of runs counter to my very core. The fact that I can feel this way, and more frighteningly, that I can feel this way about people who I actually generally quite like, worries me.
Part of me getting better at dealing with the world has been some limited amount of teaching myself/forcing myself to learn that my emotions, whatever they are, are valid, and not something I can control. I can't help being incredibly fucking angry, what I can help is whether or not I actually punch that motherfucker in the teeth. Removing myself from the situation is a HUGE help in this case --I'm not sure I've ever been angry at someone and in a position to actually cause them damage (as opposed to just irritated, or annoyed, or pissed, where I will occasionally hit instead of using my words) but it's not a situation I *ever* want to find myself in, and I think if I do, I need to be smart enough to realize and haul ass elsewhere, so I can calm down.
The real trick is what happens after. If you do something that pushes me to this level of anger at you, regardless of whether or not that anger is justified, (when someone I care about rants about someone else I care about, it's hard for there not to be a bias present) our relationship is going to change. I've watched this change four times in the last month, and sure, the problem gets forgotten and everything becomes sunshine and daisies1 once more. But just because I'm no longer actively angry doesn't mean I don't still have that blip on our radar. I hold grudges for a very long time indeed --there are people I don't trust for their transgressions three years ago, and there are people who I stopped Liking, and never Liked again because of one stupid comment they made that caused my blood to boil.
I don't want to hold this contempt for people I'm meant to like, I don't want to have to worry about my future interactions with them, about whether or not I'll be able to adequately preserve the masks. I don't want to find myself hissing "you fat stupid cow" under my breath while saying "Hi, how are you!?" on IM. I want to be strong enough to forgive people, and I want to be sweet enough to forget the things that made me hate them in the first place, even if that hate was only temporary.
Additionally, I'd like to be better about the anger. I'd really like to be better about the anger, especially because anger tends to bring out the sadosociopathic side of me, and attracts Hyde to begin whispering all his sweet nothings in the back of my brain. (I often don't mind him being around, but when I begin to agree with all the pains he offers other people, I take that as the big fat warning sign it is and start looking for coping mechanisms.) It would be nice if I could be rational about the fact that occasionally people I love are hurt, and I can't always help them. I'd love to stop having such a neck fixation, but that's a separate entry and a separate fear.
I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I'm human, and I have human reactions to things sometimes. I don't at all like it, but I have to live with it. I just want to figure out the way to live with it that I'll regret the least in the future.
K.
MOOP!
1: Daisies is just such a default false-happy word for me. It's really really frustrating that it's also PieShopian vulgar slang.
And yes, everyone involved has sorted out their problems and are fine. The world is filled with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns again, and we're all gonna go sing songs. :P
Elljay entry removed from immediacy:
So, I don't get angry often. When I do, when I get legitimately pissed at someone, like all my emotions, I don't go halfway. You hurt someone I care about and I don't just want to hurt you, I want to wrap my hands around your throat and snap your neck.
This, oddly enough, scares me. While on the one hand, I like that I have these mama bear instincts to protect the people I care about, on the other, I (used to?) consider myself a reasonably pacifistic person. I don't want to hurt people, ever, that kind of runs counter to my very core. The fact that I can feel this way, and more frighteningly, that I can feel this way about people who I actually generally quite like, worries me.
Part of me getting better at dealing with the world has been some limited amount of teaching myself/forcing myself to learn that my emotions, whatever they are, are valid, and not something I can control. I can't help being incredibly fucking angry, what I can help is whether or not I actually punch that motherfucker in the teeth. Removing myself from the situation is a HUGE help in this case --I'm not sure I've ever been angry at someone and in a position to actually cause them damage (as opposed to just irritated, or annoyed, or pissed, where I will occasionally hit instead of using my words) but it's not a situation I *ever* want to find myself in, and I think if I do, I need to be smart enough to realize and haul ass elsewhere, so I can calm down.
The real trick is what happens after. If you do something that pushes me to this level of anger at you, regardless of whether or not that anger is justified, (when someone I care about rants about someone else I care about, it's hard for there not to be a bias present) our relationship is going to change. I've watched this change four times in the last month, and sure, the problem gets forgotten and everything becomes sunshine and daisies1 once more. But just because I'm no longer actively angry doesn't mean I don't still have that blip on our radar. I hold grudges for a very long time indeed --there are people I don't trust for their transgressions three years ago, and there are people who I stopped Liking, and never Liked again because of one stupid comment they made that caused my blood to boil.
I don't want to hold this contempt for people I'm meant to like, I don't want to have to worry about my future interactions with them, about whether or not I'll be able to adequately preserve the masks. I don't want to find myself hissing "you fat stupid cow" under my breath while saying "Hi, how are you!?" on IM. I want to be strong enough to forgive people, and I want to be sweet enough to forget the things that made me hate them in the first place, even if that hate was only temporary.
Additionally, I'd like to be better about the anger. I'd really like to be better about the anger, especially because anger tends to bring out the sadosociopathic side of me, and attracts Hyde to begin whispering all his sweet nothings in the back of my brain. (I often don't mind him being around, but when I begin to agree with all the pains he offers other people, I take that as the big fat warning sign it is and start looking for coping mechanisms.) It would be nice if I could be rational about the fact that occasionally people I love are hurt, and I can't always help them. I'd love to stop having such a neck fixation, but that's a separate entry and a separate fear.
I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I'm human, and I have human reactions to things sometimes. I don't at all like it, but I have to live with it. I just want to figure out the way to live with it that I'll regret the least in the future.
K.
MOOP!
1: Daisies is just such a default false-happy word for me. It's really really frustrating that it's also PieShopian vulgar slang.
no subject
Daisies is just such a default false-happy word for me. It's really really frustrating that it's also PieShopian vulgar slang.
i was sitting here trying to suss out whether you meant Daisies as Happy-Poingy or as Happy-Sardonic and in my current frame of mind, i utterly failed in sorting it out. However, i do share your frustration with its meaning in the pieshop.
1: Which is a genuine persona for (of?) me. f!Harena is my dream/default person and how i tend to view an awful lot of the world.