sorcyress | (no subject)

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I need to get over the two biggest hurdles that are keeping me from talking to people when I'm depressed and need to feel better.

1) That they will think I am a waste of time. This is such a bullshit thing to be afraid of, but it's the really really big one, that keeps me from dialing those ten digits or sending that e-mail or ranting on IM or walking the six houses over to their house, and it's SO STUPID of me to be so affected by it, but it damn near cripples my ability to get help effectively.

Seriously. You know the phrase "call me anytime" that people make, and ocassionally even mean? This is what keeps me from doing it. The fear that I'll inturrupt them or be boring or waste their time. I have dialed numbers and hesitated at hitting the talk button, trying to run through all the possible scenerios in my mind. Very nearly every time, I will not actually call anyone, because I don't want to inturrupt them, and because I don't want to bring their mood down --if they are happy, why would they want to waste their time trying to make me less upset?

2) That they will think less of me for admitting weakness and that it is proof that I am not strong enough to function normally.

Really, more the second part of that than the first. Anyone who reads this livejournal knows that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, but I'm only just starting to realize just how much I HATE depending on other people, for anything. This includes making me feel better about myself --I tend to feel that I should be fully able to make myself get un-fucked-up, regardless of what got me to the fucked up state in the first place.

Although I had an interesting realization a moment ago. If external forces are what got me to be messed up in the first place, then why on earth shouldn't I be able to accept external forces to get me out of being messed up again?

Handy equations:

A positive Sorcy is equal to the task of neutrilizing one badplace.
A positive External Force is greater than a positive Sorcy

-Sorcy = Badplace
-Sorcy (+ Sorcy) = Badplace (+ Sorcy)
Neutral = Neutral
Good situation!

-Sorcy - External Forces = badplace²
-Sorcy - External Forces (+ Sorcy) = badplace² (+ Sorcy)
-External Forces = badplace
Bad situation
BUT!
-External Forces = badplace
-External Forces (+ External Forces) = badplace (+ External Forces)
Neutral = Better than neutral
Really good situation!

...............

I am the biggest dork I have ever met in my entire life. Except I still haven't solved Liam's problem, so I'm clearly not. Damn my epicfail abilities at geometry.

Uhm. Yeah. I...like algebra?

*flees!*

~Sor
MOOP!

(For those worried about me, the fact that I'm fleeing ought to be hint enough that I'm in a somewhat playful and silly mood. Yep. Much love to you cool people.)

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Algebra is indeed awesome. And your equations remind me of a cross between xkcd and Indexed (http://indexed.blogspot.com/) (which I found out about from xkcd's links). Which further reminds me that I haven't read Indexed in entirely too long. I don't know why this is.

... and I have two Borg icons but no Math icon? Hmm... time to do some shuffling around of icons.

*giggles!* Maybe the borg assimilated your math icons?

Man, I should go read through Indexed again. Sigh.

~Sor

I know all about number 1. It's what's kept me all emotionally blocked off and doing bad things instead of talking about it *hugs* so if you ever do need anything, you can absolutely talk to me. And I do mean it. ANd I won't think any less of you or think you're boring.

*babble*

*hugstight*

Thanks, lovey. I really do appreciate it.

~Sor

I was in the process of writing a very similar entry, until I got distracted and decided to read my FList... and there it was: my thoughts, only worded much more eloquently (and algebraically?!). You're really racking up the awesome points tonight. As if you weren't already awesome.

Anyway. Its been a while since I've talked to you. You know you can call/email/IM me anytime. *snicker* But its true.

*smiles* You're very sweet. And I will try and keep it in mind, though I'm really unsure as to how much of your contact info I have, anyways.

~Sor

I have to admit I skipped the math. Ms. Hec is evil, not good at the maths!

It's hard for anyone to ask for help when they're depressed. It's the nature of depression, ya know. It's not something you ever grow out of, but it does get easier with practice.

Math is awesome though!

I'll take your maths from you if you'd like. In exchange for...uhm...cute pictures of a baby. Because I'm kinda a sucker for cute pictures of babies.

Practise, huh? I'll do my best. I slowly may be getting better at it. Kinda. A little. not really.

~Sor

/agree
/agree
/agree
/agree
/agree
/agree

I like the equations. They're pretty!

*giggles!* Thank you!

~Sor

You messed up your second equation. Via the second line of your first proof it should be set up to read:

-Sorcy - External Forces( + Sorcy) = badplace^2 (+ Sorcy)
Substitute badplace with -Sorcy to get:
-External Force(+ Sorcy) = Sorcy ^2
-External Force = Sorcy
Also true: External Force = -Sorcy

Which is my mathematical way of saying, "Stop tripping over yourself and make the stupid phone call. They have caller ID. If you're annoying, they won't answer."

*chuckles* I figured I did something wrong with the math somewhere in there, but it was very much the final thing to swing me back to stability tonight, so I can't much complain.

And I did, and thank you.

~Sor

No, no, no, you're confusing multiplication with addition.

−Sorcy − External Forces = badplace²
(+Sorcy) + −Sorcy − External Forces = (+Sorcy) + badplace²
−External Forces = Sorcy − place²

This is obviously a difference of squares, so you get

−External Forces = (√Sorcy + place)(√Sorcy − place)

And then we substitute in the first proof, to get:

−External Forces = (√Sorcy + place)(√Sorcy − Sorcy)
−External Forces = Sorcy −SorcyPlace
−External Forces⁄Sorcy = 1 − Place

So, negative external forces weighing upon positive Sorcy are not quite as bad as a bad place, but they can be close.

What is Liam's Problem?

His face.

Ooooh, burn!

Yeah, it's so pretty that it keeps causing traffic accidents every time he goes for a walk.

~Sor

It's this geometric monstrosity he posted in my livejournal a couple months ago, that something like twenty or thirty people got frustrated by. It was eeeeevil!

Go wild.

Warning, the thread contains spoilers.

~Sor

The 1) is more or less why I pretty much never call anyone. Although in my case it's not so much because I feel like I'm boring as, well, people have lives in which they have better things to do than talk to me. Not terribly useful thinking, that, but I've thus far failed to get past it.

So, listen. My mood is prolly not any better than yours - I generally live in a giant pit of depression. Therefore, your problems would only be an improvement over my own (because other people's problems are always easier). So, if you want to call me, you can feel pretty secure in the knowledge that my life _is_ being improved by it. (And if I can't talk, I'll say so.)

1) Errrg, that's even worse. I really really hate to inturrupt people from doing Good and Productive things with their life.

*chuckles* If I ever get your number, I will keep that in mind, m'lady. And if you ever need a friendly ear to listen to you bitch about your problems, let me know.

~Sor

1) But look at this way.. you have people's numbers what you can punch into the phone & almost dial.. like you w/could if you thought you weren't interrupting/bringing them down, whatever (to which i'd have to say OBJECTION!! (http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=2380707) to). Best i can do is hesitate from IMing someone. i couldn't call someone (it took a very long time before i could call W and that was not long before he moved up here after talking with him for a coupla years).. i've been able to call in a panic 'cause i thought something was wrong with *them* but never for my own stuffnthings. *babbles*

2) Heh. We totally complement each other on this'un. i'm terrified to believe that i'm strong enough to cope at all & would love to depend on someone for the rest of my life.. heck, that attitude is what ended me up with 4 kids & no husband ;P

Also: i am very very glad you are in a good enough mood to be playful & silly. ^_^

Do you mind if I call you sometimes? Or are all phones just a really really badthing.

Well, you are superstrong Har. You do good things with your life, yep. *kisses your forehead sweetly*

~Sor

A little bird recently told me that pretending to be strong is really a sign of strength. Hmmmm... now whom could that bird have been?

You know me, and my entourage of alter-egos, nuts, nuts, and more nuts...You can contact any one of the many mes that exist and we will all gladly pitch in to help you through a bad patch. *hugs*

If you have not returned to Beantown, yet, you and I can hook-up this week, do lunch, if you'd like, chat it up a bit, and vent your spleen, as needed. I completely understand how you feel about sharing the burden with anyone. But it does help, immensely, and the anyones out there helping you do so because they truly care and love you for who you are.

Normal? Define, please. Lots of #$%t passes for normal these days. I wouldn't worry about normal. Normal is like most fashions -- here today, and changed tomorrow.

So, drop me a note and we'll get together.

Ciao for now.

Flex/Flexette/Cap'n Flex/Alex/and then some

*blushies* I forgot about that. I suppose I was right or something.

We totally need to get together...sigh...let me get home and figure out when I'll be working, first.

~Sor

I understand how busy busy can be. You have been quite busy this school year. I look forward to us getting together and hearing all your excitement. Are you coming to Camp this summer (even as a visitor)?

Speaking of busy, it seems I have been a busy little camper, too. Here is a news release from Howard County Government (see Mixed Age Group): http://www.howardcountymd.gov/News/News_20080506.htm.

Last night (May 6), Girl Scouts of Central Maryland tricked me into attending their annual meeting (offers of free food still work, it seems). I thought I was there to talk about the Caitlin Dunbar Nature Center. After dinner the oh so exciting business portion of the meeting got underway - yawn. Then came recognitions for Service Unite. Followed by recognitions for individuals--with "Omar" presiding. Blah blah blah..."a brother to all Girl Scouts...Alex Dunbar..." What? Me? Seems at least 4 people were involved in writing recommendations for me to receive the Girl Scout Thanks Badge. Cool!

Anywho...life's been good and busy.

After you get home and resettled, let me know, and we'll get together. Do lunch (caution: offer of free food)!

C ya soon.

Flex and Crew

If there's one thing college students are powerless against, it's offers of free food! Count me in!

And HOORAY FOR YOU! Aren/Pickpocket was telling me about how you got all recognized and stuff. Good on you!

And I'm definitely coming to camp. I'm a floater for M/Tu/W of Session One and working Unit 9 for session two. I'm psyched!!

~Sor

Yes, Pickpocket and the rest of her Sr. Troop were there last night being recognized for earning Gold Awards and for graduating as Senior Scouts. That part was good, too. It was all the other adult stuff that was...However, having just said that about that, the one really exciting adult part was GSCM's recognition of several "little old ladies". The one with the least amount of GS time had 55 years of GS. Then 57 years. Can you believe 60 years of GS and all of that as an adult. And lastly, the grande dame herself, 75 GS years! Wow! Pickpocket and crew have nly 62 more years to go to get that kind of recognition. :-D.

Beware of offers of free. Look what happened when a bunch guys in a wooden horse invited themselves to dinner in ancient Greece. And how many times did I get myself mixed up with the "Moonies" while in college, just for a free meal?

Yeah, free lunch. Dontcha just love it. Let me know when.

Flex

Duuuuude! I can only hope to be in girl scouts for that long. Ten years down, sixty five to go!

Oh, I'm sure you won't have people burst out of the lunch and attack me. Right? ....right??

~Sor

Hmmmm...bursting out of lunches and attacking people. What a great idea for a summer film--Attack of the Lunch Ladies!!!!! Warning:Contains scenes of disgusting food (sometimes sold in cafeterias). Myay be unsuitable for digestion.

The Film Ratings Institute has rated this film PU.

Naw...well, maybe, however, if you are into that sort of thing...

dooo eeee dooo (theme music from Attack of the Lunch Ladies. Played backwards, even John Lennon could see that Paul was the Walrus. Wow!

Flex-A-Bull

This film sounds hilariously awesome.

Are there too many hairnets in it?

~Sor

I have returned from an exciting day of pediatric visit with my allergy disaster daughter. With luck it is merely allergy and not strep.

As for hairnets in "Attack of the Lunch Ladies", of course they feature prominently in this film. Why, what would a Lunch Lady be without a hairnet? Hmmm? That's right just an average, run-of-the-mill, slop-slinging, snot-dripping lunatic with mega-PMS. Boooorrrring! Throw on a hairnet and viola! Instant Lunch Lady. Beware!

Casting call for this blockbusting extravaganza will be on the third Thursday if next week. Have your agent call my agent -- they'll eat lunch together and then over bill us both.

TTFN

Flex

*hugs* Getting help is worth it. And you're worth it. And your friends know that, better than you do, and won't mind helping. And if you go to a professional, they get paid to help you, so don't feel like you're imposing ;)

Seriously, though, I know it can be scary to reach out. People aren't always there to catch you, and they can't always help even when they want to. But most of the time, it's easier to deal with something if you don't try to deal with it alone. And the people who care about you know that, too. So just ask them.

*smiles* Thank you! It's nice to have outside reassurance that I'm worth it, even if it feels like a crock of shit sometimes.

~Sor

*rolls eyes* Of course you're worth it, silly. Who else has so many fun ideas and bounces all over the place like you do?

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