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I am sitting in the croom to write my words and that is Pretty Exciting!
The "croom" is the "crew room" at Pinewoods camp. I am, for the first time, volunteering at Pinewoods! This is exciting for all sorts of reasons. I like that I will get to spend a couple weeks with a bunch of my crew-buddies, all of whom I adore. I like that I will get a chance to experience some totally different sessions than I've attended before1. I like that I am getting to see parts of camp I've never seen before (both literally and metaphorically). I really like that I am going to get to, as I put it to Erika, be kindof a himbo for a couple weeks (I pick things up, I do as I'm told.)
I am also weirdly anxious about the whole thing. Like, I know it will go brilliantly well, and actually arriving at camp and seeing people has gone a long way towards helping me be less anxious. My stupidest anxiety was that no one would like me --I already know like two thirds of crew, and I know for a fact that they are universally fond of me (as I am of them, it's good people what choose to work at camp).
I am still anxious about all the things I don't know, all the little in-jokes and traditions, but all the...things from different sessions? Did you know that ESC and Scottish are the only sessions that have last-night parties in Pinecones? Everyone else has last night parties in other places (tonight was camphouse). I was quipping earlier to some of the crew "how am I supposed to wake up without bagpipes". Anyways, I am excited to be around a little bit at Harmony and English weeks, but also aaaah!
I am also anxious about being here as A Scottish Dancer, because...I...am not positive the Scots have the best possible reputation at camp. I mean, to be fair, I sorta feel that every session has its own pretensions and snobbishness, but man, the Scots are...complicated. We're boisterous and enthusiastic and grand but also we're so behind on the gender conversation and we can be so painfully insular sometimes. Having been on various committees, it drives me up a wall the things people say about crew sometimes, and the way we think they don't belong at our Pinewoods sessions because ~they're not Scottish dancers~ even though most of them are phenomonal all-around dancers!
(I was fishing for reassurance from a frequently-crew-but-not-currently friend and they were being very kind about specifically that, about the fact that I have actually done a fair amount to repair and create bridges between the Scots and crew. I am always down for it! I adore teaching this thing I love to people I like.)
Mostly it's just weird for me to be anxious, but I suppose not actually surprising --I don't do anxious very often, but I do get concerned by new experiences as do us all. And I think I am probably at least a little RSD-y2 right now, as I settle into a new space where I _really_ want to do a good job and am pre-emptively panicking about...not. It's absurd! I am competent and capable and will do just fine at cleaning toilets and checking cabins and running laundry and fetching mail and whatever else they want me to do! But I am still irrationally worried that I will somehow do a Terrible Job and Everyone Will Hate Me
(Especially irritating because I can do the talkdown here and the actual bad outcome is "I do a terrible job and get re-taught and have to do it again, and then we're good". That's not actually that bad an outcome! It's like how earlier I was anxious about getting to the train on time, but the failure mode of "oh no I missed the train" was "I literally just get on the next train and text Erika that I'll be an hour later".)
Anyways, it is very late and I have my first day of work tomorrow! Huzzah! I'm gonna go to bed and sleep barely under any covers because it is Very Warm and find my camp happily ever after. I hope you find things that you can feel capable and happy about!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I have attended Scottish for every year since 2011 except this one, and ESCape for every year it's happened, and a handful of work weekends over the years. I also went to the LCFD weekend this year, but I'm not sure that counts in the same way because it was the first time all around.
2: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an ADHD thing linked to perfectionism and fear of doing a Bad Job. It's an irrational fear of real or perceived rejection. I have had periods of time when it is better and worse.
The "croom" is the "crew room" at Pinewoods camp. I am, for the first time, volunteering at Pinewoods! This is exciting for all sorts of reasons. I like that I will get to spend a couple weeks with a bunch of my crew-buddies, all of whom I adore. I like that I will get a chance to experience some totally different sessions than I've attended before1. I like that I am getting to see parts of camp I've never seen before (both literally and metaphorically). I really like that I am going to get to, as I put it to Erika, be kindof a himbo for a couple weeks (I pick things up, I do as I'm told.)
I am also weirdly anxious about the whole thing. Like, I know it will go brilliantly well, and actually arriving at camp and seeing people has gone a long way towards helping me be less anxious. My stupidest anxiety was that no one would like me --I already know like two thirds of crew, and I know for a fact that they are universally fond of me (as I am of them, it's good people what choose to work at camp).
I am still anxious about all the things I don't know, all the little in-jokes and traditions, but all the...things from different sessions? Did you know that ESC and Scottish are the only sessions that have last-night parties in Pinecones? Everyone else has last night parties in other places (tonight was camphouse). I was quipping earlier to some of the crew "how am I supposed to wake up without bagpipes". Anyways, I am excited to be around a little bit at Harmony and English weeks, but also aaaah!
I am also anxious about being here as A Scottish Dancer, because...I...am not positive the Scots have the best possible reputation at camp. I mean, to be fair, I sorta feel that every session has its own pretensions and snobbishness, but man, the Scots are...complicated. We're boisterous and enthusiastic and grand but also we're so behind on the gender conversation and we can be so painfully insular sometimes. Having been on various committees, it drives me up a wall the things people say about crew sometimes, and the way we think they don't belong at our Pinewoods sessions because ~they're not Scottish dancers~ even though most of them are phenomonal all-around dancers!
(I was fishing for reassurance from a frequently-crew-but-not-currently friend and they were being very kind about specifically that, about the fact that I have actually done a fair amount to repair and create bridges between the Scots and crew. I am always down for it! I adore teaching this thing I love to people I like.)
Mostly it's just weird for me to be anxious, but I suppose not actually surprising --I don't do anxious very often, but I do get concerned by new experiences as do us all. And I think I am probably at least a little RSD-y2 right now, as I settle into a new space where I _really_ want to do a good job and am pre-emptively panicking about...not. It's absurd! I am competent and capable and will do just fine at cleaning toilets and checking cabins and running laundry and fetching mail and whatever else they want me to do! But I am still irrationally worried that I will somehow do a Terrible Job and Everyone Will Hate Me
(Especially irritating because I can do the talkdown here and the actual bad outcome is "I do a terrible job and get re-taught and have to do it again, and then we're good". That's not actually that bad an outcome! It's like how earlier I was anxious about getting to the train on time, but the failure mode of "oh no I missed the train" was "I literally just get on the next train and text Erika that I'll be an hour later".)
Anyways, it is very late and I have my first day of work tomorrow! Huzzah! I'm gonna go to bed and sleep barely under any covers because it is Very Warm and find my camp happily ever after. I hope you find things that you can feel capable and happy about!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I have attended Scottish for every year since 2011 except this one, and ESCape for every year it's happened, and a handful of work weekends over the years. I also went to the LCFD weekend this year, but I'm not sure that counts in the same way because it was the first time all around.
2: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an ADHD thing linked to perfectionism and fear of doing a Bad Job. It's an irrational fear of real or perceived rejection. I have had periods of time when it is better and worse.