We all have fears. Fear of being alone, fear of being together. I'm afraid that I'll never find permanence because I am too difficult a person to deal with for any extent of time. I'm still sort of scared of the idea of permanence itself, even. Stagnation scares me, but the thought of not being alone, being emotionally, spiritually (and physically) homeless scares me more. I'm scared to be trusted because I'm afraid I will fail those who trust me. I was scared to learn that my boy wanted to be with others; not because he loved me any less, not because I wasn't "enough", though those thoughts certainly dwelled in my mind, but while I knew it conceptually, it has been difficult accepting it in reality (though I think I have been doing well there). I'm afraid of getting stuck in trying to conform to expectations, any of the masks that I wore/wear to keep my (easily assailed - I'm not good at defenses) walls invisible, so that eventually I'd lose any ability to be myself. I'm also afraid of not living up to my and other's expectations, most of which are in my head, I admit.
Some of my fears are more instinctual: fear of dogs, fear of dark, lonely spaces. When I was younger I was afraid of basements and tunnels. These fears I do not think I will ever get over entirely, because they are too base, too ingrained, though I force myself to deal with them when I need. However, those of the paragraph above? Those are fears that only humans are complex enough to be cursed with (I think; I can't say for certain, but I certainly wouldn't wish them on another species), but they can be dealt with, because we're strong, (and you are a very strong person if I ever saw one) and because we are not alone. We need each other, not just one person, or just S.O.s, but parents, friends, teachers, mentors, the guy on the street who holds the door for you with a smile, the homeless person you give your leftovers too. We need and want to be needed. Life is too short, too confusing, too hard to go it on your own. Life is not a test.
Thinking about relationships over the past month, I came up with my working idea of what I think a perfect relationship for me could be. Rather, having someone to come home to each night (emotionally especially, but preferably literally too), but at the same time not being afraid to wander in the day (day and night are not to be taken literally also) because you're confident in your love for the person waiting for you at home and confident in their love for you. Though I fear if finding that, especially such confidence, is even possible, for someone as insecure as me.
Okay, all this emoting is giving me a headache; we'll talk later, okay?
Also: I had a dream about you last night. Remind me and I'll tell you about it.
no subject
We all have fears. Fear of being alone, fear of being together. I'm afraid that I'll never find permanence because I am too difficult a person to deal with for any extent of time. I'm still sort of scared of the idea of permanence itself, even. Stagnation scares me, but the thought of not being alone, being emotionally, spiritually (and physically) homeless scares me more. I'm scared to be trusted because I'm afraid I will fail those who trust me. I was scared to learn that my boy wanted to be with others; not because he loved me any less, not because I wasn't "enough", though those thoughts certainly dwelled in my mind, but while I knew it conceptually, it has been difficult accepting it in reality (though I think I have been doing well there). I'm afraid of getting stuck in trying to conform to expectations, any of the masks that I wore/wear to keep my (easily assailed - I'm not good at defenses) walls invisible, so that eventually I'd lose any ability to be myself. I'm also afraid of not living up to my and other's expectations, most of which are in my head, I admit.
Some of my fears are more instinctual: fear of dogs, fear of dark, lonely spaces. When I was younger I was afraid of basements and tunnels. These fears I do not think I will ever get over entirely, because they are too base, too ingrained, though I force myself to deal with them when I need. However, those of the paragraph above? Those are fears that only humans are complex enough to be cursed with (I think; I can't say for certain, but I certainly wouldn't wish them on another species), but they can be dealt with, because we're strong, (and you are a very strong person if I ever saw one) and because we are not alone. We need each other, not just one person, or just S.O.s, but parents, friends, teachers, mentors, the guy on the street who holds the door for you with a smile, the homeless person you give your leftovers too. We need and want to be needed. Life is too short, too confusing, too hard to go it on your own. Life is not a test.
Thinking about relationships over the past month, I came up with my working idea of what I think a perfect relationship for me could be. Rather, having someone to come home to each night (emotionally especially, but preferably literally too), but at the same time not being afraid to wander in the day (day and night are not to be taken literally also) because you're confident in your love for the person waiting for you at home and confident in their love for you. Though I fear if finding that, especially such confidence, is even possible, for someone as insecure as me.
Okay, all this emoting is giving me a headache; we'll talk later, okay?
Also: I had a dream about you last night. Remind me and I'll tell you about it.
Much love,
Herbert.