(no subject)

Today is the first MCAS day, which means that my schedule is all sorts of weird. I still have to come in at the same early hour (I laugh when my friends complain about going in to work early and having to wake up at *gasp* 8:30 --I'm already halfway through first period by then.) but unless I get called in for emergency test proctoring (*crosses fingers oh please god no*) I get some time to myself to catch up on preparing for my classes and the like. And this happens two days in a row! Sometimes, I am very lucky indeed.

(That being said, I just finished today's sudokus in the Metro and I'm now updating 750words, so it's not like I'm exactly taking *professional* advantage of this brilliant new time. But I am certainly taking personal advantage --it's been many sad and uncomfortable weeks since I did 750w regularly, and I miss the habit. I can do most of my grading at home, I can't always have a distraction-free environment to write.)

Lots of people have been asking how life is going, and I have mostly been confused by the question --doesn't everyone just read my livejournal and know what's up? Well sure, but that logic only works if I update more than once a fortnight, and with content at that. (and let's not get into the fallacy that people actually read elljay anymore...)

I've been okay. I'm still really stuck in the braindeath I've been fighting since October or so, and the weather continues to really not cooperate --those two days of Spring were great, but now that it's summer, my brain is melting. Still probably better than being excessively cold though, my lizardbrain shuts down worse when I'm freezing.

Professionally, I have to worry about MCAS, which is about the best thing --it means I'm actually doing math, in a high school classroom, often enough for it to be notable. Currently, I've two sections of Algebra 2, and there of Geometry. It's lovely!

I haven't been dancing very much, which for me translates to about "once a week". Demo team rehearsals are mostly done for the year, which means at least I'm not doing _really hard dance bracketed by biking 4 miles_, but the braindeath and my own malaise are conspiring pretty hardcore to keep me in my house instead of out to the CanAm or MIT¹. I made it to both dances last week, and the Highland Ball this weekend, but I missed Scottish last night due to an overwhelming inability to people, and I might miss Squares tonight for same.

(Last night, Sparr had people over for games and I wound up playing, and that worked for...it didn't actually work all that well. I was foggy and distracted and just wanted to play stupid video games. I wish I could reteach my brain to spend its foggy time on writing instead of games. I think it would feel better about things in the long run if I did. I don't even have to write original, I have _so much_ typing to catch up on, things from the last weeks and months that want to be cohesive and properly put together but can't be until they're all in the same, preferably digital, space.)

I've been consuming large amounts of mostly visual media --watching Game of Thrones, playing Heroes of Might and Magic (at a truly alarming and almost dangerous amount, but at least it's not "four hours lost to Minesweeper" bad...yet.), rereading/catching up with Dumbing of Age. I've been on a project to read all the Newbery Award books, that stagnated a bit due to the last one not being very good (and sucking my enthusiasm) and, er, losing track of² where I put the one I'm supposed to start next.

My room is _unholydeathhatred_ right now, which is probably contributing more to my inability to exist than I am willing to put together and admit. Anyone want to come over tomorrow and just yell at me?

...and the tangent from there deserves its own post. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: CanAm = Canadian American Club in Watertown, where the Scottish Country Dance meets. Yes, I know we're supposed to be the Cambridge Class. MIT is, of course, where I do Tech Squares.

2: In my defense, I roadtripped to Atlanta, and then drove back and stayed in Maryland for several days and then bussed up to Boston and then pretty much immediately did NEFFA and then started a new job. So, I haven't unpacked, even though I've had more than enough time to, but that's a lot of why my room became unholydeathmessy, and also why I'm having difficulty finding important things, like library books. Gods bless the Minuteman and letting me renew online.

(no subject)

My room is _unholydeathhatred_ right now, which is probably contributing more to my inability to exist than I am willing to put together and admit. Anyone want to come over tomorrow and just yell at me?

One thing I mentioned to Veronica, when I visited her a couple weeks ago, is that she's willing to be a hardass¹ to/at me in a way that _very_ few people in my life are. She is strong-willed and assertive and commanding, and she uses those traits on me and on her other friends. Passivity will not get you very far with her.

Oh, and don't get me wrong, my stubbornness and strength of will and own need to command run me very hard against her sometimes, and we get into stupid tense fights with a lot of glowering and subtext and both of us being pissy and holding grudges for years. But we'll forgive each other eventually, and talk out the subtext into text, and take care of each other, because one of the ways we're alike is that we can both cool down and empathize or sympathize and be thoughtful.

And one of the things about our respective demandingness is that we can make each other Get Things Done in a pretty powerful way if need be. Veronica and I used to clean our rooms together all the time. We were both good at that balance between being gentle and helpful, and being aggressive (and helpful). Because let's face it, sometimes the easiest way to get things done is not to be coddled so much as to have someone straightup get in your face and tell you point blank "put your damn laundry away, pick up your papers, and get those dishes off your desk."

This is noticeably similar to the purpose served by Alis, my Guardian Bitch². Al's primary job is to be stern and uncompromising at me regarding self-injury, but she takes on a hefty secondary load that involves being the Responsible One when I'm falling apart. Simple instructions, with no room to argue, when I can't force myself to do things on my own stimulus.

I imagine lots of people can get things done in their world without external orders, but I've always been _really good_ at following orders, at least when those orders are in line with my own desires. Having someone else tell me to clean my room is so much more effective than doing it myself. Perhaps it's just I have no authority over my own mind?

But neither Veronica nor Alis are present in my world a sufficient amount to keep me fully on track, which is why I need to diffuse this particular need around more. And that's where it sorta falls down, because none of these traits are really (sub)culturally positive. A drill sergeant who demands you get things done and won't hear any excuses for why you haven't is not exactly a sympathetic role in my current social groupings. It smacks too much of assholes yelling "bootstraps" and smug neurotypicals saying "well have you tried just being happy?" Maybe it's that I've internalized too much of the greater societal message of "everyone can do everything if they just TRY!"

I have some disabled friends who will lolsob at you if you think that message is true. Can they find ways to work around their problems and do some of what they want to do? Sure, but its inevitably at the cost of other things they want. There are prohibitive expenses (monetary, energy, time) to lots of things, and _no one should be shamed for not being able to do something_. But the problem comes in that...not being shamed exactly, but having someone give me reminders and demands to do more is really useful for how I function.

I'm, as usual, not coming to any real conclusions here, beyond that Veronica is the shit and I need to get better at learning to listen to my own authority --or I'm never going to Do The Thing in the way I want. But I suppose let this post be me, really truly, giving you permission to push me. I'll give excuses, I'll whine, I'll flop --and I'll say honest "I really haven't had the energy to do that thing but I'm trying" and if it really is that bad you can lay off a bit. I want you to remind me to Get Things Done though. Tell me to get off IM and clean my room. Poke me on IM to reply to your email. Flop on my couch and remind me the dishes are undone.

(Offer to give me conversation while I do chores, oh please).

Because if I do need to get to these things, having someone else stern at me will help me get past the mental block of "but I don't wanna", and getting me started on a task is really truly the most important step, since I can usually carry motivation on my own. And if I didn't need to get to those things, you're IMing me when my room is clean and I've made the bed and all my homework is graded, then I get to be proud and accomplished at you and we can yay together.

And for the love of gods, tell me if you want me to do the same for you, because I totally will, I have no qualms about being bossy and demanding the best of people. I can even try to be quiet and subtle³ about it --my favourite kind of manipulation is when I manipulate people I love to be better with their full consent.

Let's all try to Do the Thing today.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Okay, technically I think I used the word "bitch", but that's because I was vocalizing vague thought-ideas, and hadn't had time to think hard about the words I was using and choose ones that aren't damaging, even when framed in a positive light. I think -I hope!- she knew and knows that I meant it as an incredible compliment, but I'm still going to use words that don't have backhanded second meanings for the rest of this post.

2: I...I tried broaching the idea of finding another terminology for her, and she just growled! I mean, the term has always been meant entirely positive (no one gets misogynistic language as insult in here) but it is still a weird loaded word, andyeah. Differently and equally so to Gabe's "pseudoangel".

(Hyde's "guardian serial killer" title that he jokes about occasionally is still entirely apt and can stay, although more accurate to how he serves me -yes, you do, shut up- would probably be "guardian predator".)

Anyways, Alis says she's been around for a decade which means she gets to use whatever words for herself she wants, which is an entirely different sort of boggling, because _she's right_ and _what the fuck_.

3: I was subtle once, but no one noticed.