sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I find it interesting my internal classifications of "crush" and "other assorted romantic-sexual-moirailic feelings towards someone". Because you would think that I would apply most recipients of the latter category to the former word --If I feel more than platonic towards you, I have a crush, right? Well...not exactly.

Because part of having a crush involves that fluttery teenaged feeling of "ooo, do they really like me?!" All the traditional teeny-bopper bullshit, and that's part of what makes crushes great! It's fun to feel jittery and curious and interested and spend time over-interpreting every little word and gesture and touch.

But there are some people who I don't have to do that for. There are people who I can know, without doubt, that they like me --maybe just platonically, but they are decidedly interested in hanging out with me and talking to me and touching me. And when I become more-than-platonic interested in those people, I don't get the fluttery "do-they-don't-they?" feeling in the base of my spine. I get a strong dose of just plain joy from being with them. I like hanging out with them, I like talking to them and hugging them and entering gleeful philosophical arguments or getting advice or whatever comes my way. Sure, sometimes I can get that flutter, but if my brain enters "oo, I LIKE like them!" mode, my first instinct is not to overanalyze, but to straight up say "yo, you're a babe, let's shag."

(Or more accurately, to analyze them and their current situation, and whether or not they are poly or polyfriendly, and whether or not they are associated with someone(s), and if I could or could not deal with those associates1, and where they live, and how often they dance and how well we communicate, and a few other factors that would be a bit too revealing to actually post here. If they meet my Rigorous Testing3, then I toss out a "so, I'm interested, you interested? Let's talk about it lots and lots!", and things go from there. Shagging usually takes much longer to get around to4.)

I think a lot of the difference falls into friendship, and how close I am with the person initially, but some of the difference is certainly the difference between relationships that I am playing for endgame, and relationships that I am playing transiently. When I say "playing for endgame", I don't mean Twoo Wuv Everlasting and six kids and a picket fence, necessarily. I just mean that I am fully intending for this brilliant person to be in my life for the rest of time, in some capacity or another. Maybe they will be just a (varying5) close friend, maybe they will be a reoccurring sexual partner, maybe they will be a romantic partner, maybe they really will be the coparent of my eventual children.

My transient (more often referred to as "casual") relationships do not carry that weight within them. I would like to know these people for a long time --I am usually pretty good about not being attracted (in the sense of friendship as well as moreship) to jerkasses, and I like keeping nifty people in my life. But they feel more like the secondary characters of my play, something to look back fondly at and say "oh yes, we had that glorious BDSM dynamic our last semester of school" or "he's the only uncut cock I've ever had the pleasure of playing with" or even just "we talked so much in person that our chatlogs were able to be nothing more than pages of entertaining links from Tumblr"7.

So when I am interested in a person who I know or suspect will drift away somehow (grad school, awesome new job on the other coast, other relationship turning into The Serious One...in a few more years, I suspect "babies" and "wedding planning" will be pretty thoroughly on this list), my feelings tend to be more ephemeral. And ephemeral, not-so-serious thoughts are just great for crushing on someone, because it gives me a chance to be giddy and get out my newness fetish on them without worrying significantly about how I am going to restructure my life (even subtly) to make sure that person is always in it.

(Plus, my newness fetish -which is totally kinda a thing? Like, I pretty much always and forever have *someone* I've got NewToyEnergy or NewDesire for- works really well with time-limited relationships. Oh, you're mono and just waiting to find the one? Happy to play in the meantime!)

Anyways, I don't have anything else to say really. This is a pretty clear example of writing to suss out my own thoughts. Thanks for joining me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: It is to my moderate shock that I realize I won't date someone if I find their other partners difficult to deal with. This is a bit depressing --I tend to compartmentalize my relationships-- but I've seen enough variety in the last five years of being some sort of polybeast to note the differences between "you make my partner happy and that makes me happy keep making my partner happy YAY!" and "I hate your stupid face you homewrecking slutcookie"2. The latter kinda sucks, and the mutual partner has to work damn hard to make up for that sort of bullshit. I would prefer to save everyone the work by just not getting involved.

2: I thought briefly about putting in some actual (paraphrased) quotes/actions from various metamours in the past, but that would probably turn out mean, and I try not to be bitter or spiteful on livejournal. So these are extremes, neither of which I have actually explicitly heard or reached.

3: Not actually rigorous, certainly not a formal test.

4: Things that entertain me: One of my earlier partners and I were curled up platonic in a bed when they mentioned that they were into me, and I revealed that I was pretty into them. Something on the order of two hours later we actually got around to kissing. Sigh!

5: It pains me to note that, since exiting high school, I have very few people with whom I have enjoyed the same degree of closeness for more than a few years. I have had several very close friends6 (some of whom I termed best friend but none of whom quite matched up with Veronica), but I often tend to go for accidental months without communication towards the people I care about. This is a pretty major failing on my part and I don't know how to fix it. It frustrates me that I can have a year where I spend thousands of words on IM with someone, followed by a year where there is...nothing.

6: Since college, jere7my is probably the person who I have had the most consistent friendship with. He is absolutely one of my best friends in the world (because *someone* has to yell at me for not knowing songs that came out before I was born, and MrBelm is busy doing that for He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Ignored, I'm sure) and that's been pretty consistently true since I met him in early aught-eight.

7: Match the relationship to the person! No, do not really. Anyways, all three of these are people who I *love* getting to see again, and truly hope to stay in some touch with for the rest of time. But I'm not always as good as I should be about keeping in touch with them outside of those sporadic meetings, due to distance or time constraints or just plain ol' drift.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Trigger warning: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.

So, I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it sucked.

One of the things that would happen was that I would upset them, and to make up for it, I would post loving things publicly on the internet. I would declare my love, to them or the world! Because it would make them feel better, it would make them understand that I really did love them, and I didn't mean to hurt them, and I'm very very sorry and I won't fuck up again, and please stop crying, and why am I so awful?

Seriously. If you're in an abusive relationship, do what you can to get the fuck out. I will help.

Now, the emotionally abusive part of the relationship lasted much longer than the relationship did, and so there was this one time when they decided to blackmail me. Either I would friends lock my entire livejournal and remove them from my friendslist (Note: They had already removed *me* from their friendslist --if they wanted to read my journal, they had to _go to the page themselves._ Apparently they weren't capable of not going to my page.) so they wouldn't see any posts about my new relationships, OR, they would tell mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking.

I did the logical thing, and told mom that they and I had been doing some version of fucking. And that I was telling her specifically so I couldn't be blackmailed with it. I was very angry. Mom was far more understanding than I deserve sometimes.

I already hadn't really been talking about my relationships in my livejournal, because that seemed to be the sort of thing that would cause more drama. But this cemented it --despite not wanting them to control me, I even less wanted them to know that I was dating both the people they had accused me of cheating1 on them with. We were trying to be friends, you understand. I didn't want to hurt them any farther, after already damaging them so much. I am an awful person, you see. Cruel. Incapable of true love. A prude, and because of this, no one would ever want to date me.

1: I believe the closest I have ever come to cheating was when I said something offhand to one of my boys about another, and the first boy expressed confusion/shock in that he hadn't realized me and the latter were as intimate/involved as we were. I then explained the nature of the relationship, and it was all good. Also, that was not with the abusive ex.)

And so it was well over a year before I ever admitted in even the most casual sense that I had a new partner. And I never really put out a lot of squee, and in the time since, I've still not really put out a lot of squee about my partners. Lots of that is just from being older and more mature and not needing to be "OMGEE!" all the time like a giddy high schooler, but some of it is the lessons I have learned. You don't write about the people you are in love with --not just that. You don't do it because it will hurt other people2. You don't do it because it will hurt yourself, later, when you find the references. You don't do it because there is the memory of discomfort, of being forced, and you do not want anything to cross your brain that feels so slimy-wrong.

2: And admittedly, this is still a thing I worry about --if I post squee about one of my partners, must I then post squee about all the others? No. No, that is not how I want my relationships to be. If my loves cannot accept that I still love them, even when I am head-over-heels squeeing over a different love, then that is a problem, and something they and I should work on. So know the rest of you, that I mean no offense with this post, and that I still find you worth adoring.

But there's two ways to keep my brain from feeling slimy-wrong. One of them is to never ever be triggered again, by anything, and that's impossible. The other is to scar over the mental wounds. Wrap them in better memories, in better recollections. When I am triggered, I want to remember not what that one awful person did to me, but what all the lovely people who make me feel safe and special have done since.

So have something I do not do very often: A public, explicit(for I speak often in crypticism and generalities) declaration of love.

Sparr has moved to Boston. To be with me. And it will be weird and strange, and take work and practise and balancing. We will have to find what the right distance is to hold our introvert selves sane, while still being able to be together in a way that I've never had, not really.

I can't stop smiling.

I am in love. And he is in love, and we are in love. And while I've never believed in forever, not even at my youngest and most romantic, this is really good, and has only gotten better in the two years we've been together.

Everything is changing. I love you, Sparr mein leibling, and I look forward to what happens next.

I am no longer in abusive relationships. Things seem better this way.

~Sor
MOOP!

Bi-directional trigger warnings are in this season: Emotional abuse, possibly touching on sexual abuse.
sorcyress: checklist of "bisexual kinky polyamorous horny" and ending with "and I'm still not sleeping with you" (bipolyhorny)
There are some things that most of the world considers to be bad, or undesirable, and I consider to be something well worth doing. Some of these are obvious, like gender/sexuality queerness1, some of these are arguable, like my desire to physically hurt people2, and some of these are strange even among weirdos, like the fact that I view consensual manipulation as a driving force of a good (including platonic) relationship3.

1: If you have a problem with me being genderqueer or into people of similar genders to myself, get the fuck out, and do not talk to me until you consider me a real person and can respect me thusly.
2: I'm comfortable with this desire. If you're not comfortable with this desire, well, you don't have to be one of the people I hurt.
3: If I do not (at least try to) convince you to be a better person, I am doing something wrong, and you should tell me so I can attempt to do more of this. I am not particularly subtle about this. I do not want to change you in any ways you don't want to change, but I do want to help you be as amazing as you dream of. A very basic example of this sort of thing is tricking people into doing distasteful tasks, by asking for evidence of the first step, and providing enthusiasm along the way.


Another of those third category things is the issuing of ultimatums. I feel that much of the world views the idea of an ultimatum as always, or often, bad --especially in relationships. An ultimatum in a relationship is always bullying, or emotional manipulation, or abuse4.

I don't think that's true.

4: Now, I'm sure there are cases where relationship ultimatums can be viewed as abuse --especially any situation in which the partner receiving the ultimatum is unable to take the option of "leave the relationship". I am only interested in situations where the ultimatum has two choices --change or leave-- and both are able to be performed without significant loss other than the relationship itself.

Also, this is a thing that is very dangerously diluted. One ultimatum about a big thing, that is probably okay. If you or your partner are threatening the end of the relationship every week, I am concerned towards the health of that relationship.


Because here's the deal: we all have unshakable, unchangable, things about ourselves and our relationships. A very common one is "I cannot be with someone who loves(romantic) more than just me". Or "All the sex I have must be consensual". Or "Absolutely no serial murderers". There are traits out there that are completely incompatible with my -or your- desires and needs. And I think it's perfectly fair, when one of those traits presents itself in an already running relationship, to present the partner with "I can't date someone who does x, change or leave".

Now, there's a risk to that. There's a really big risk: They might leave. Or perhaps more likely, they might tell you they cannot change, putting the onus on you to leave. And that sucks, and is hard, and there's a lot of socialization out there towards giving them a second chance.

But, there's a reason you presented it as an ultimatum, and that reason is because you cannot deal (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever) with that trait being present in your relationship. Do not let yourself be trapped with something that is that severely damaging to you --and if it's not something you'd consider damaging, do not present it as an ultimatum in the first place.

What this all kinda boils down to is the idea that, to be healthy in a relationship, you have to know what you want, and what you need, and you have to be able to express those wants and needs. You have to be willing and able to communicate to your partner(s) about your desires. If there are things which you will be unable to cope with, things that are IMPORTANT to your quality of life, you need to be able to have those things. More importantly, you deserve to have those things, and you deserve to have partners who will work with you and help you to achieve them --if they can't give those things to you, maybe you will be able to work something out where you can get your needs from another source.

And maybe sometimes it's easier to be single, or in a situation where you can be looking for partners who will give you what you need, instead of suffering with a partner with whom you're unhappy.

In closing, there's a musical by the guy who did Rent. It's called "...tick, tick, BOOM!" and has pretty good music. "Louder Than Words" is one of my favourite songs, in part because it has the following lyrics:

Why
Would we rather put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?


Don't sacrifice your health and happiness for a warm bed. There are a lot of people in the world, and a lot of ways to meet them. Find someone who will give you what you need. Find someone you deserve.

~Sor
sorcyress: checklist of "bisexual kinky polyamorous horny" and ending with "and I'm still not sleeping with you" (bipolyhorny)
My perfect partner

This is partially based off Sparr's My Perfect Girl which is one of my personally favourite things on the entire internet. I reread that every couple of months, at least in part to make sure I'm on track.

To preface this, one of the reasons I cite most often for my polyamorous nature is the fact that I can get different needs from different sources. I'm not altogether sure if there is a person (future past or present) who can meet this entire list, and if there is, I'm not altogether sure I ever expect to find them. So while these are all traits I look for, they are not all traits I expect or need, at least not in the same person.

This list is permanently in a stage of non-completion. I may or may not come back and add things to it later.

Remember kids, use your journal cuts so your friends don't hate you! )

Alright. I have run out of things, and this is like 1300 words long or something. Going to post it, and if I've clearly forgotten something, you can remind me of it in comments.

And to reiterate, I'm not sure there's anyone I'm dating who meets all these criteria. I'm not sure there's anyone who I'd be willing to date who meets all these criteria. This isn't a checklist, it's a set of approximate guidelines, the things I am more likely to look for, or notice. Similarly, you can be all these things and I just won't care, or find something otherwise repellent. This is because I am complicated, and you're just going to have to deal with it.

And for mek, and Magus, and sir, and Sparr? You are all awesome and amazing and make my life far better than it would be without you folks. I love you all, in varying intensities and amounts as fits, and will do everything in my power to keep you lot around. <3

~Sor
MOOP!

(1647/8000)
sorcyress: checklist of "bisexual kinky polyamorous horny" and ending with "and I'm still not sleeping with you" (bipolyhorny)
This is a RANTY RANTY RANTY post! Rant on!

SO INTERNET! Let's have us a little talk about relationships.

See, I have this friend, Turquoise1, who considers themself to be monogamous. Recently, they have entered into a relationship with a polyamorous person (Green) who already had another partner (SIlver). Turquoise is monoamorous in relation to Green --T doesn't have any other partners, nor does T wish to find any. Turquoise is perfectly happy being romantically entangled ONLY with Green.

An ex-partner of theirs accused T, because of this relationship, of "Pretending to be monogamous."

This? This is not right in a big way.

The biggest problem is that T is still monogamous, and monoamorous. They are only dating Green. They are only romantically entangled with Green. They hold sexual fidelity towards Green2. Turquoise is entirely monogamous, and implying that they were "pretending" to be such implies that they no longer ARE. Patently false.

Now, is T in a polyamorous relationship? I'd say kindof --I wouldn't call T's relationship poly, but I would call Green's relationship thus. I would call the relationship as a whole a mono-poly relationship, because oh hey, those exist and flourish, no matter how hard you pretend they don't or can't.

Because sometimes a monoamorous person falls in love with a polyamorous person, and they are willing to put in the work to keep the relationship strong, and not limit either partner or illegitimate their sexuality. They are hard, and require a lot of communication, and people who can be open and honest about their wants and needs, and otherwise are in relatively good standing with themselves3. But they happen, and they can be just as happy and healthy as any other relationship.

The second problem is the fact that, oh gasp, sexuality is fluid.

Seriously. Please let your mind wrap around that a little. Sexuality is fluid, and the types or number of people you were attracted to at one point in your life may not be the same as the types or number of people you are attracted to at another point.

Now, before you release your fury, keep in mind that sexuality doesn't *HAVE* to change, and for many people it doesn't at all. Sometimes it doesn't change so much as encounter new information --a previously monoamorous person being introduced to the concept of poly and realizing that it fits their brain better than the strictly mono structures they'd grown up with. And sometimes it absolutely radically shifts, as someone grows older and changes what they want and desire.

And none of that means the person was "pretending" earlier in life.

As an aside, I would just like to remind the audience that "relationship structure" is not necessarily equal to "personal sexuality". I know several mono folk who are in mono-poly, or full poly relationships. I know a few poly-folk who are currently, or have been in the past, in strictly mono relationships4. People make relationships work for them, as they need to.

And really, I think that's what all this boils down to: Does your relationship structure work for you. If you are happy, and your partner(s) are happy, (and ideally, *their* partner(s) are happy) then that's about the best you can hope for. "All relevant parties" does not include your friends, your parents, your exes, or anyone on the internet who thinks you're a dirty perv. If your relationship works for you, then don't let _anyone_ tell you you're doing it wrong.

As a final (unrelated) aside, I have a friend who has no interest in being in relationships at all. I hesitently suggested "asexual", but we both agreed that's not the word being looked for, as that's a totally different set of things (And indeed, many asexual people can form happy relationships, with each other or with sexual people (or both!)). He proposed "anamorous", which I think is a lovely term --and one I fully intend to use.

Rant off.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have friends named Red and Blue. Writing this post got a little difficult as I navigated around that to choose arbitrary names.

2: Which is to say, the only sexual contact Turquoise has had outside of Green was with Silver, and this was part of the three of them being together with everyone communicating and having full knowledge of what was going on. There is no love between T and S, and no relationship --this wouldn't have happened were they not both dating Green.

3: Oh hey, did I just describe every relationship ever! I think I did!

4: Myself included --I was well aware I was polyamorous before I started dating kSatyr, but it was an agreement from the beginning that I would be strictly monoamorous while dating him. Now, this was an unhealthy situation for me personally to be in, but that's certainly not true of all poly-folk-in-mono-relationships, and more importantly, just because I am poly doesn't mean I *had* to be in a relationship thus.

PostScript: Oh and THIRDLY, because I forgot to mention it, it is not your right to declare other people's sexuality. Ever! You cannot say "they are not doing [sexuality] the way I think you should do [sexuality] and therefore I will accuse them of pretending", because you don't know what they're thinking, you don't know how they're reacting, and you have no way of knowing what they consider themself short of asking. So, unless you are a member of the relationship police (hint: That doesn't exist.) you do not get the right to decide if someone else is doing an adequete enough job of representing the sexualities they claim to represent.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Just to review, my current relationshippy things. This is the sort of thing that happens when I don't get enough sleep (I was up until seven in the morning, because of [REDACTED]!) and spend the entire day flailing about section three item three there. I get goofy, and write posts like this.

No, I am not going to translate. Although if you successfully guess, you're welcome to out yourself (and ONLY yourself). Unless you are [REDACTED]. That one I am keeping secret, because [REDACTED].

[REDACTED]: Actually talking regularly, also dates, also generally quite nice.
[REDACTED]: Trying very hard to get better. [REDACTED], [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]: Haha, everything is terrible forever, but maybe it will be better? mostly I just feel lost and alone. To be totally honest actually, everything is going pretty well indeed, it's just that time is evil and denying me what I need here. Hence the alone --not enough time to not be alone. SHUT UP IT MAKES SENSE.
[REDACTED]: Everything is differently terrible forever. Mostly I feel ignored. Except it's all rapidly getting better, theoretically. It's all getting interesting, at least. And it is getting better, slowly, and I look forward to what comes next.

[REDACTED]: kaput, with an occasional kiss.
[REDACTED]: kaput due to OMGBUSY, also [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]: WE SHOULD REALLY QUITE WORK ON THAT, OKAY?!
[REDACTED]: kaput due to monogamuggleity
[REDACTED]: kaput due to [REDACTED]

[REDACTED]: increasingly cuddly and friendly? Something should be worked out that involves us hanging [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]: Hahahahahhaahhahahaahano. After all, I do not want to be on fire.
[REDACTED]: NO ONE KNOWS! Ohgodohgodohgodohgod I have not been this flailing about a crush since...since I asked Blue out. Oh god.
[REDACTED]: [REDACTED] I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]: He doesn't like Resee's, he's not even on the list. (Okay, technically he just doesn't like *candy* and he is totally semi my rock right now, so he's cool. But not for relationshipping just for some straight up goldenrod friendship.)
[REDACTED:] No, I don't think anything's going to happen with *me* and her except friendship. We're both too [REDACTED] for anything else.

[REDACTED]: I...don't know? I think I am content to [REDACTED] it up.
[REDACTED]: Ditto

[REDACTED]: [REDACTED], ho?
[REDACTED]: Or maybe here
[REDACTED]: Or maybe here

(Hopefully obviously, I am not dating this many people. Lordsno. This is a composite of the people I am SOs with, the people I have been casually dating in the last year or so, the people I have kissed recently, and a couple other people who have some form of relationship I'm reluctant to describe as purely platonic, or who I am interested in, or was interested in, or expect to be interested in. And, you know, anyone else who would make this list sillier.)

Yes, my life is this fascinating _all the time_. It's what happens when you do high-impact flirtatious activity1 three times a week!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Well, what would *you* call dancing?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics




There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.





...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.





I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.




And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.





And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.




But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?




I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.




I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt1. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.




Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.




(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.





I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers2 call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.




The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.




~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have apparently determined that listening to "Between"1 on endless repeat is fun and a good idea! Doubly frustrating, because I was doing this a couple weeks ago, too --I don't like being in the same gloomspace twice in a month. I thought I had snapped out of this one already.

***

Went into my multivariate calc exam fully expecting to fail. Sat down to maybe scrawl some notes down for a study sheet, and realized that I hadn't actually learned anything all semester. It felt a bit like those stereotypical dreams2 where you didn't know you had a test and so didn't study, except without the waking up part. Quite awful.

Luckily, I was able to pummel my memory into at least writing down something for every part of every problem, and I do think I had some idea of what I was doing on a few of them. I did manage to correctly remember what cross-product multiplication of vectors was, so, yay me I guess.

But yeah. Things I learned this semester: Parameterization. WoooooooooooowhydoIsuckatmath?

***

I am supposed to be packing right now, as today I move the rest of my stuff out and start on my grand gallivanting adventure that I really just *have* to get some e-mails out about. First though, I think I need to find somewhere in Porter Exchange to scavenge breakfast from. So yes, breakfast, then go home and throw everything into boxes, then commit seppuku, then...wait, spellcheck recognizes seppuku? I am astonished, I was just throwing that in to check if anyone was paying attention.

...today is one of those whiny days where I really want attention. I'm going to have to snap my mind out of that before I get annoying, since I'm painfully aware of the fact that me being all *cling, paw, paw, paw* at people is in fact, not charming.

(Today is also one of those whiny days where I somewhat want to hide forever. I'll see how well I can manage that once I've finished packing.)

***

Rackle is really really cool, and said some good words to me last night that I should reread at some point and remember.

***

(Calling Olsen, calling Memphis, I am calling, can you hear this?)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: By Vienna Teng. Good song, great waltz, really honestly kinda depressing as hell when you listen to the lyrics. Multiple depressing ways to look at it, too. It's *brilliant* or something. The fact that it's invaded my world for the moment might be a bad sign, not really sure. I think I prefer to sort out the problems that it expresses rather than collapse under the weight of them. Wooooo, cryptic!

2: I don't remember if I mentioned it when xkcd brought it up, but I don't have stereotypical dreams. I have only rarely dreamt myself naked, and never had my teeth fall out. I've never flown (though I would fall for a while, but not endless falling --just a ten-twenty foot drop half sliding alongside a wall). My dream tropes involve getting uncomfortably groped by people I'm supposed to be platonically fond of. Oh, and food. I have good food dreams unfairly often.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am the most secret1 introvert you will ever meet.

No seriously. Nevermind that I bounce and bubble and have the extrovert's tendencies to reign2 over groups of friends and easily talk to strangers. My introversion does not typically take the form of shyness. What it does take the form of is being worn out by social interactions, and the more numerous the encounters, the faster they just completely fry my brain.

So, spending a day on the computer writing stories and reading blogs while in my room? Perfectly fine. Spending that same day, doing that same thing in the middle of Times Square? Oh gods, do I need to curl up and de-social afterwards. The casual and brief interactions with a thousand strangers are enough to chop away at my ability to deal with other people, piece by piece, until I just want all of you to go away forever please now.

It's not just the number of people I have to deal with that can drain me of my social reserves. It can also be the complexity involved in an encounter or encounters --and as my social reaches its limits, I turn from bright and smiling to impatient, withdrawn, and bitchy4.

"So, Sor" I hear my adoring fans say, since I seem to use this particular trope an awful damn lot in my writing -you know, the thing where I imagine you guys asking a question relevant to the topic at hand and then I answer it? Segue! That's what they're called, I use this particular segue an awful lot.

I need to get more clever with my writing.

"So, Sor" I hear my adoring fans say. "Can you better explain that complexity thing to us?"

I'm so glad you guys asked exactly the question I was planning to answer! Funny how often that works out, ya'know?

The complexity of an interaction boils down to a triad of factors: A) how intimate me and the other person are; B) whether there are more than just the two of us in the interaction; and C) how intimate the non-me people in the interaction are with each other.

Generally (but not always), high intimacy levels for: A) means that the interaction takes up less social energy from me, for B) means it takes less social energy if A was low and SIGNIFICANTLY MORE if A was also high, and for C) means it generally takes less. Or in other words, I do best when I am extremely close to only one person at a time in any given situation, or when the other people in the situation already know each other relatively well.

This is possibly one of the least useful traits for someone poly to have, ever. Because, see, if I am extremely close to Foo, and extremely close to Bar, and Foo and Bar have never met each other, and the three of us go out to crepes, I will quietly and quickly run out of energy fretting about them interacting and my interactions with each other and making sure I pay enough attention to each of them and don't pay overmuch attention to the one, and aiee.

This is probably the main reason I suck so bad at threesomes5. This is *definitely* the reason why I went marginally insane at Arisia this year, with a little bit of the added disparity where to some people my general insecure fretting that they're enjoying themselves and I'm doing okay by them was an annoyance, and to others it was necessary.

(I hate fucking up the how-much-is-too-much "we okay?" insecurity thing. I am usually better than I was at asking often enough to be relevant without asking so often it's a pain. I think I've sorted it out now)

And of course, intimacy is not limited to romantic relationships --eventually I will introduce Lauren to Veronica, or Alys to Maddie, and those situations will be just as fraught and awkward7 as the romantic ones.

The ways to make such group interactions easier on my social capacity are all easy, albeit occasionally impractical. The big simple one is to just have more one-on-one interactions9, followed closely by the slightly more complex getting everyone to become friends with everyone else.

So there you have it. Instead of your standard sim bar that turns red when you haven't interacted with people enough11, I have one that turns red when I interact too much15. So, if I get all awkward and withdrawn around you, it's probably just best to let me get a little space (the span of time it takes me to walk to the bathroom and back can do wonders for a temporary restabilization) and your usual bubbly sorceress will be back in no time.

~Sor
MOOP!

P.S: I handwrote this, and it turned out like seven fucking pages. The things I do for you people!

P.P.S: Where, "you people" equals me.

1: Well, insomuch as anything about me is a secret. I keep very little of myself hidden except my present emotions2 and the extent of my insecurities. Well, and my daydreams, but that's more because those are stupid and boring to people who aren't me, rather than any real reason of secrecy.

2: Which is to say, literally what I am feeling at the present. I will happily tell people about the emotions I've had in the general to recent past, but if I am currently in a negative mood, it's unlikely you'll hear of it.

3: Reign is not quite the correct term, but being the "loud bubbly one that everyone else flocks to" is definitely one of those things I do. I blame my mother.

4: And I do *try* to apologize for the bitchiness when it happens, but I am not always mentally able to, I'm sure. In short, this is *why* I get withdrawn when I get oversocialed. So I don't have to be bitchy in the first place.

5: Taken literally, I suspect the phrase "I suck at threesomes" would actually be quite the turn-on for most people. I am not a unicorn6, bobspamit!

6: Unicorn = polysnark word for Hot Bi Babe --ie, the pretty girl who will come into you and your SO's life and date you both and never have outside interests and take care of the kids and be your kinky sex-slave, etc, etc.

7: Okay, maybe not *just* as fraught and awkward. It's pretty fucking scary to lock eyes with someone you love truly-deeply-dearly and say "this is foo, who I also love truly-deeply-dearly". I don't need my Beloveds to be the best of friends, but I'd like it if they at least got along8.

8: And of course, if someone I'm dating absolutely hates someone else I'm dating -or if is just profoundly uncomfortable around them- I'll take that as the warning sign it is, and act accordingly.

9: One-on-one interactions with people I'm close to tend to be an absolute breeze. If we have a relationship such that curling up in the same room on our separate computers and just being with each other makes sense10, then I am happy with this relationship indeed.

10: And part of making sense involves the desperation born of long distance -if we don't see each other in person so often that merely lounging feels like a waste, of course we're not going to just sit around, regardless of how intimate we are. I'm looking at you, oh, practically everyone I care about.

11: If you haven't played the Sims, they have eight mood bars12. The goal of the game is to keep all of them full, or in the green. When they get red, you've got problems!

12: Social, energy (sleep), comfort, hunger, hygiene, bathroom, room (aesthetics), and fun. The fact that I could do that by memory is probably an indication of a misspent youth.

13: Okay, admittedly I have a standard not-interacted with people for too long social bar as well. I probably *also* have mini-bars for the people I like best of all --if I haven't gotten my fix of old so-and-so, I'll get all sad.
sorcyress: xkcd panel with a single character alone at the computer and the text "Some nights, typing *hug* just doesn't cut it." (xkcd hug)
I have a bit of a mama bear complex.

Which is to say, if you touch my cubs, I *will* hurt you, however possible. Words, or physically, or however I can. And being made helpless, unable to protect those I think of as mine...well...it is among my least favourite things in the world.

My "cubs" are quite a lot of people, too. Alys, Veronica -those are the most obvious ones, and the ones I am absolutely most protective of. But when it comes down to it, pretty much all my contract mates, definitely everyone I think of as an older or younger sister, my roommates, Nik, the high school friends I'm still close to, the college friends I've made, the entire pie shop...You hurt someone I care about, and I will not be happy with you.

The problem, and I actually find it a very interesting one, comes when two of my cubs are fighting, or one of them is (inadvertently or purposely) causing another to be hurt. Who do I protect? Do I just ignore them both publicly and support each of them in private1? Do I go ahead and bitch out the offending party, despite caring dearly for them? Do I curl up in a hole and hope the whole thing goes away?

This doesn't really have anything to do with anything. I largely just find it an interesting thing to ponder. On the one hand, I don't care for the idea of "ranking" friends, and of course, all rankings would be situational, anyways. (If Alys punched...say...Emily in the stomach, I'd tell Alys she's an idiot, despite normally considering her more my cub than Emily. Though it occurs to me I'd probably be gentler on Alys than I would on Emily were their positions reversed.)

On the other...well...there are people I am more protective of than others --not necessarily closer friends, but people I feel it's more important I take care of, often because I tend to consider them mentally younger, and more in need of my protection. (And let me tell you, it is startling as all fuck when they do something that illustrates that they are actually a lot older than they necessarily seem.)

*shrugs*

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Yes. I can say with some confidence that this is the route I took with the strongest example of two people I quite like and care for being stupid to each other.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
This morning, sitting in the sun, the beautiful Georgia belle shivers. "She's cold!" her boyfriend teases as I approach. I do what I find logical, and drape my coat across her shoulders.

"You're such a sweet boyfriend" she says to me in jest. I smile outwardly, sharing the joke, while something inside of me whimpers. I can't always get what I want, but if I try sometimes, I wind up with a friend instead, and that's just as good.

(Just as good)

This evening, chatting during an event. She mentions to her roommate she'll be home at ten. "Not if I kidnap you!" I threaten, trying to keep any tone but friendship out of my voice.

"I might not mind that" she flirts back, and be it outwardly or inwardly, I wince.

So I warn her. "You better be careful, I might start taking you seriously." She laughs, and we discuss for a moment our addictions to flirting. The night trails off; we part ways.

Maybe all I do want is flirting. To court a beautiful woman, treat her in the chivalrous way all people are meant to be treated. Maybe I want more.

Summer's coming soon. We'll see what happens with the fall.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
A year ago today, it was 2008, and I wrote a pretty decent essay on friendship privileges. If your name is [livejournal.com profile] macaroniandtuna, didn't you promise to give me thoughts like...eleven and a half months ago or something?

The actual posting of that one involved little bits and pieces of drama that I don't feel like going into. And when I originally wrote it, I will admit there was a little bit of a "HINT HINT!" involved for someone certain, which I so got past by the time I posted it. I try very hard not to hint hint people in my livejournal.

(Okay, really, I just try very hard not to hint hint people. If I want a relationship, I should be man2 enough to ask the damn person if there's any hope for us. It's amazing what a little bit of communication will do.)

I was pretty happy with the writing of that one, though, and since I think at least half of the goal of this project is to find really good things that I've written and bring them back to public attention, go read!.

~Sor
MOOP!

((OH! Also, twenty one years ago today it was 1988, and [livejournal.com profile] muzikmaker21 was born. I didn't bother blagging about this at the time, which was a massive oversight. Sorry dude. Have a good birthday, 'k brotherfather?))

1: I have the nasty habit of being dumped by boys I'm not dating. I'm pretty sure it's happened three, maybe even four times now.3

2: Woman enough, awesome enough, fuck, I don't know. It's just the way I talk, I talk kinda misogynistic, okay? I don't like it either.

3: Ahahahaha, notetoself, if you're going to decide to delete a part of the entry you're writing, delete the relevant footnotes as well. Although this one amuses me. Consider it your Fun Sorcy Fact of the day or something.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Three years ago today, it was 2006. And I was sick.

I don't really get sick very often. I don't tend to get much of anything often, due to a combination of sheer stupid stubborness, which keeps me going long after my body has decided it Does Not Like This, Thanks1 and a relatively awesome immune system.

Of course, the latter is largely because I revel in germs. While I won't eat strange food off the ground, if I drop something, there's a fair chance that I will subsequently put it into my mouth, even if I know damn well if I shouldn't. Actually, I put a LOT of things into my mouth, even if I know damn well I shouldn't. I use my mouth as an extra hand, and biting things is a comfortable sort of way to claim them --certain things I own just feel right if I nip at them, like my luck-cat, and my most possessive2 gesture towards people is to bite them lightly on the shoulder

Soyeah. Woo germs! While I'm not positive, I think that three years ago would be the last time I was seriously sick then.

And of course I watch too much television when I'm laid out on the couch miserable. Doesn't everyone?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: See any long dance ever, especially my first Contra
2: I have a big problem with the concept of possessing people, largely because I have a big problem with being possessed. So I tend to shy away from claiming behaviours, and the word "my" in relation to the human involved in the relationship. (Different from using my in relation to the relationship --ie, Magus is my boyfriend or my boy, but not my Marc.)
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Poll answers are screened (ie, only I can see who voted for what) Comments are not (Anyone can see those!)

[Poll #1129507]

'kay, you may return to your ordinary business now. Please don't blast me too hard for forgetting your specific sexuality. :P

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
A/N: The events and things and thoughts and feelings leading up to this particular thoughtstream have been sorted out and reasoned with and talked over and etc. In short, please don't read too deeply into this post, I'm not trying to put it out there as a hint to anyone*, it is merely some words that I think sound good strung together.

***

friendship privileges )

~Sor
MOOP!

*...anymore.
**This may be less true than I think. I'm not sure how body shy I am at the moment, it tends to vary across a long range, even within the same people.
***Well, technically, I don't want to stoink anybody. Replace with snog/date/pet as appropriate.

Not private because I'm better than that.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Hokay, so a bit ago, the standard "tell me # facts that no one knows about you and then tag other people to do this!" meme was circling around the adult portion* of my flist. No one was actually bothering to tag each other, so I arbitrarily decided that doing it was a cool thing, and did.

This time, the magic number is eight. (Cut because I am hella verbose) )

Yay, eight facts. And explanations of BtW's and stuff like that.

~Sor
MOOP!

*Adult portion. People who I am friends with in real life, and who were friends with my mom first, and are usually closer in age to her then to me. Different from people who are closer to mom's age then mine, but were my friends first. Those people are filtered as "iiral", along with anyone who didn't go to Long Reach that I know in real life.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
"I could build a house on all the what-if's I've had in my life. What -f I had done this. What-if I had done that. The only problem is, I never really know how they would turn out. So I'm going to send you this so I'll get rid of at least one what-if.

I love you

It might not be anything more then a crush, but whatever it is, it's been happening on and off since sixth grade and that's enough to convince me to do something crazy like this. I don't know how you feel about me right now, and I don't really care, if that makes any sense. I also know/think you like [Name Removed], and that's okay too. I just don't want to have another what-if. I want to know what will happen.
I also don't particularily care what you do with this e-mail. Reply, delete, talk to me about it, ignore it forever...I just wanted to get this what-if out of my mind.

~Kat"

I wrote that a long time ago. Ninth grade, I think. (Stop lying, Kat, you know damn well it was written and sent late October/early November of your ninth grade year. Little over four years ago now.)

I've been rereading things I wrote back then all evening. This one, I think, matters the most. It very clearly wasn't a love letter, and I never referred to it as such.

It was a rational letter. The first of a handful I wrote. Not a lot, certainly.

The last one I wrote, I didn't save. It was the opposite of this, it was written to a boy who knew I loved him, asking if he loved me back. He...didn't. And told me so. Contempt in his voice that I would be silly enough to ask important questions in notes. It hurt then, hurts now, but I haven't used letters to communicate the important stuff ever since. Or e-mails, or phones, or anything like that.

I was so much cockier back then. Oh sure, I had my doubt and confusion and self-hate, same as always. But I was much more sure of how the world worked, and what was right and what was wrong

I miss myself.

Perhaps I should do as I said I would in my last post, and go outside and let the cold and the movement numb me.

(Perhaps I don't want to be numb.)

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Well...shit.

I just...figured out something reasonably important about myself.

...okay, we're being honest here. A painful and different thing for me, I know.

Its something pretty damn important about myself.

I've known for some time that I don't trust people real well. Probably a good lot of you know that as well --I've certainly bitched about it in some form or another, and if I haven't bitched here, it only means I never posted those rants. But last night, somewhere in between getting lost and getting home, I put it all together, and I think I finally have a pretty comprehensive picture of why.

I don't trust people, because I am dead scared of people leaving me. Or being taken away from me, is probably the slightly more accurate description. This *certainly* fits all but one (two?) of the crushes/relationships I've had in the past...oh...I was gonna just let it be from ninth grade, but then I let myself think back farther, and it reaches to at least fifth.


Reasons, bitching, evidence, history:

Friends )



boys (and girls) )



Moving )



<s>Daddy's Girl</s> )



And one for the future... )


So yeah. There you go. Sor, in a nutshell. A crazy, paranoid, fucked up nutshell.

But at least I've figured out WHY I'm crazy. At least I can figure out someway to do something about it.

Have a good day.

~Katarina

MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Random quiz-question-thing...I'm bored, and flirting can only take up so much of my time )

Woo.

My life hasn't been very eventful lately. But hey, tomorrows a half day! And Friday's off, and me and Aly are going to (hopefully) harass Flinx!

I need to clean out my 1KBWC deck...

~Sor
MOOP!

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