NYFF: s00j!

Jul. 1st, 2015 01:54 am
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
A/N: I figure that it's worth putting half the con report in its own post, because, well, it was trivially easy to write over 2k words about one band. Anywho, all track titles and album names within this post *should* link. You're welcome.

The entire reason1 I went to faerie fest was SJ Tucker. She was there with her band Tricky Pixie, which is made of fucking incredible musicians. Having bought all2 of SJ's cds, I have been forced to spread out my "here take my money" urges and buy amazing fiddle and cello music from the rest of Tricky Pixie. OH NO. OH WOE. THIS IS TERRIBLE. *staples hand to forehead*

ANYways, pretty much the very first thing I did when I had a schedule put into my hands was figure out when and where Tricky Pixie was playing. They had three concerts, one for each day, and those became the linchpins for the entire rest of my schedule.

Now, here is a fact about SJ Tucker: I cry like a fucking waterfall when I experience her live. Not just the sad stuff. Not just the stuff I have a history with. Everything. I had weird tearing-up at the sound check. It is what it is. It is a thing to do with power and divinity and the intersection of music and prayer.

BUT

Sometime around 2005 or 6, my clone named me Sor, Demigoddess of Dance. It is a title that has only become more accurate with time. If I must confront a Goddess in her Glory, it's a hell of a lot easier to do it from the centre of my own power. So I can sit and listen to her sing and I can sob.

Or I can dance.

And just like any other time that's one of the options, it's not even really a choice. I listened to exactly one song from a sitting position (Mushroom Song) before my brain kicked in, no Sor, this is stupid, get on your fucking feet and move-cast-pray-DANCE.

(Are you cock of the walk when you're walking alone?)4

I danced in the sunshine and I danced in the rain and I danced in the ashes of a bonfire to avoid dancing in the mud. I did actually dance in the mud as well, and only slipped about three times. Caught myself every time too, which I find honestly shocking --I am not joking when I call this kind of dance "flail like a fool". My dance involves a lot of movement and a lot of flight and at least a little bit of Highland fling steps. None of those are exactly wise to do on a dancefloor coated with slippery river clay.

The sets were so good. Notables include: )

Whew. There were a few other songs in there, mostly Betsy and AJA's that I don't know as well. I danced to allllllll of them. I danced to the sound checks on Saturday and Sunday. I danced to "okay so the band is busy setting up and putting on their makeup" (although that was usually just a footing test)

And I did one thing every day that scared me7. Because damnit, I am a powerful creature in my own right (see aforementioned Demigoddess of Dance discussion above) and more importantly, I have *wiles* and if I can work 'em on Tailsteak so thoroughly he becomes one of my best friends, I can certainly work them in a very mild fashion on s00j such that I can talk to her without feeling like an idiot.

No, but really, it is not tenable to have people in my life who I cannot interact with. It's frustrating and annoying and that's before you get into that other part8. So, you know, there's striking a balance between being friendly and fangirlish/clingy, and I suspect I stayed on the correct side of it? We'll see.

I made a point of stopping by the table and having nice conversation each day. As mentioned, I got my disc of Sirens signed (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyY!), as well as a couple of...other things *waggles eyebrows cryptically towards someone who almost certainly is not reading this*. I asked for a selfie last day of fest (and she said yes and ohmygosh and I should put that on Twitter) and wound up asking if she'd be willing to take a photo of me wearing awesome clothes on Saturday (I'll tell that story more in the proper con report.)

And she gave me a hug right away on Friday, after dancing, before I even was able to mention that I had a hug for her from K. She liked that I was dancing a lot, squee!

SJ Tucker is a genuinely kind and wonderful and magical and awesome artist. Support her music, so she can keep making it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Okay, so, strictly speaking, 85% was s00j, 10% was general "I wanna go to a faerie fest", and a pretty person was the remaining 5%. But said pretty did not wind up going, so their percentage can be directed back towards SJ. Is all good.

2: okay, again strictly speaking, this is not entirely accurate. I haven't gotten around to buying most of her singles yet, nor the audio-book-Cat-Valente stuff, nor the soundtrack she did for Ember Days. THAT BEING SAID, I own seven of her albums legitimately (two of which I have bought twice3) and one illegitimately (Brenton bought Mythcreants back when we were dating, and we swapped digital copies like the dirty pirates we are. I will for-reals buy Mythcreants sometime soon (money willing), 'specially for all the weird Mushroom Song did to me at NYFF.

So yes, I certainly have more s00j CDs than any other artist. I mean, part of that is Vienna Teng's only put out 5 albums so far, so it's not a totally fair race, but yeah.

Also, I am still technically waiting for my copies of Wonders and Blessings to arrive in the mail, but you know the awesome thing about Bandcamp? I can download the mp3s immediately, and then the mail can take as long as it needs to get to me.

Oh, and I guess I never actually bought Sirens, it was a gift. But that's okay, I have a physical copy and now it is signnnnned!

3: She released Stolen Season in unmastered form a couple months before it actually came out. Uh, yes please! As for Mischief, she was out of physical copies at the Balticon I first heard Cheshire Kitten, so I basically gave her money and had Bethany send me a complete set of the tracks. I couldn't stand not actually having it though, so I bought a copy of the CD for myself this weekend.

4: *begins cackling* So this is a thing now. I'll have to make a tag for it or something so I can find all the other pieces.

5: Mischief is also my favourite. As is Sirens. This is acceptable to me.

6: (k). Hands up if you get the reference.

7: I mean, I'm not always sure this is great advice, but it certainly makes my life more interesting.

8: I've left enough clues, *you* figure out why it might be relevant to my life to get along well with s00j.

?: Did you notice?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Trigger warning: You know, the usual mix of depression and ferocity that I display when I talk about being a survivor of rape and emotional abuse

I spent much of yesterday trying to eloquent the relationship between s00j's music and my rape scarring1 process. I...didn't really get anywhere. In October of 2009 or so, I wrote briefly that I had to figure out the words to say to thank her for "Go Away Godboy". It's been six years, and I don't think I'm any closer in the process.

If anything, it's worse now. Because now I have Neptune to croon too, and that does seem to be the next logical part of the musical path I've been taking (Oasis and Godboy and Are You Out There and Lucky and Lisa Carew and...2) as I fight my way through this mental mire.

I mean, goddess above, have you read the lyrics?

Time I lost, just fussing over
every little thing you asked for
let myself keep fading,
silver fishes through my skin.
Somewhere I stopped breathing
but I missed the kiss of air
I cut the waves and left you there
and ne'er returned again.


ffff.

Because that was always the problem, wasn't it? The whole point was that I was to do whatever he asked and make him happy and at least one of us would live happily ever after. But then I had to fucking go and ruin it with my petty need for air.

("Thin air's as sweet as water when your body begs to breathe.")

It doesn't really matter what we're using air as a metaphor for here. Independence, respect, freedom, the ability to live my own life and make my own decisions, just a world larger than the place I hated.

(He was so devastatingly upset that I wanted to go to Boston for college. He couldn't see that it wasn't about leaving him, it wasn't about leaving anyone, or anything, or anywhere. It was about flying to a city that feels like Home. And of course, his sadness was always my most pressing problem, gods I try so hard not to succumb to hate, but sometimes I hate that man.)

(Mom never accused me of leaving her.)

***

I believe in multiverses and I am terrified of the one where I never got into Lesley and had to stay in Maryland and he just worked his hooks deeper and deeper into me until I drowned. There is no good path where we are still together. Maybe the best case is that we have children and we just don't fight about how to raise them any more because it's not like my input was ever right.

(Maybe the best case there is the one where I've just left the world, because I know how hurt and damaged I am as me, having escaped, and the idea of being trapped for so much longer in his web of bullshit and pain and accusations is just...I can't. I couldn't. Endurance only sustains so long.)

***

And of course, s00j has to be a clever essayist as well as lyricist. In her liner notes, she says:

"Neptune" is the story of what can happen after you've drowned yourself willingly in someone else's hopes and dreams, and you find that saltwater and shadows no longer sustain you.


hahhahahahhlolsob.

It is a dangerous thing, wanting to make someone happy, and I cannot turn it off. Most people seem to recognize the potential poison and do not ask more of me than I can give. Most people give back enough that it isn't just saltwater and shadows, its proof my energy has created something real, and live, and good.

But damnit, it's been over four years since the Last Time and I have a small purple elephant patterned with jungle animals who says I never have to see him again. The process is treacle-slow, but I am getting him out of my life, piece by fucking damaged piece.

I am back where I belong.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Here's a thing I don't think I've ever made explicit: I don't generally refer to this process as "healing". To me, "healing" in the present tense implies that I will someday reach the past tense of the word. I won't. I will never be healed of this. Tears I cry and words I write can help, but they can't erase the toll trauma has taken on my mind.

Besides, the crescent mark that curves under my left shoulderblade is far and away one of my favourite features. Why should my mental scars be thought of any less fondly than the physical?

2: Oasis, Amanda Palmer, "And it isn't my fault that the barbarian raped me".
Go Away Godboy, SJ Tucker, "Hail Mary2.1 wise and free, save me from this freak".
Are You Out There, Dar Williams, "And I will write this down and then I will not be alone again".
Lucky2.2, Bif Naked, "How can I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours"
Lisa Carew, Jekyll and Hyde, "I am not the sweet young thing you're seeking Simon2.1. Someone seventeen, obedient, and sweet. I am not the protégée to waste your time on, I'm complete."

Neptune, SJ Tucker, "And all of us who dare to lovelive are brave.

2.1: These names are struck through because they are not the names I use. If you want to know, you'll have to convince me to sing for you. Both my replacements scan, of course.

2.2: This is not a song that is about rape or abuse or trauma or anything, at least, not according to the lyrics. But o gods, the ache in it makes my heart sing. Something about it has always seemed broken to me.


Doesn't everyone read their friends page bottoms up? TW for rape and emotional abuse.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I just went to a Vienna Teng concert. It left me wrecked, not unlike s00j concerts tend to. This is interesting.

I think it was the last Vienna concert I went to (her Aims tour) where I realized that I really don't have any interest in going to concerts and just sitting passively. I did a lot of dancing at that one, and it was pretty excellent. This one, I was hoping to dance, but what mostly happened was I cried.

Regardless, it's not just a passivity that is bothering me about the concept of going to concerts. I have also realized (sometime before this concert, but this one crystalized it) that I have pretty much zero interest in going to a concert _with_ anyone. Especially if it's a concert of one of my goddesses, or other somesuch import.

Going with people means you need to talk to them at some point, and socialize, and interact a bit. I'm not necessarily down for that at concerts. I largely go to concerts to do one of a very limited number of things: dance, more differently dance, sing along, or sob. Usually I do multiple of those, sometimes even at once. I am there for the music, and my reactions to certain musicians are...not on the scale of polite or appropriate public behaviour.

(I'm not joking about that. Crying is barely a socially acceptable thing to do and people will inevitably try to fix it for you1 Sobbing so hard you can't breathe while digging your nails into your arms to try and contain the amount of existence you're feeling just now...even less so.

Dancing like an idiot also does not tend to be on the list of expected(both) behaviours at many concerts I attend, which is pretty tragic for everyone who hasn't made that breakthrough2 but also can get me Confused Looks and may even result in some embarrassment-by-proxy for my less shameless friends.)

I don't think I want to go to concerts _with_ people anymore, is what I'm saying. Which I already knew about s00j --Balticon '12, last time I saw her, I spent the majority of the concert in the spot tower, which was a _brilliant_ decision. But now I've added Vienna to that list for sure, because if I'm not with anyone (by which I mean, not sitting next to them, like, I'm totally fine with people I know being somewhere else at the concert. This is part of why I intentionally choose shitty seats.) then I can react to her however I damn well want, and not worry about how I am supposed to be reacting, and if this is weird.

Like, I know it's weird, normal people do not typically go to concerts and cry so hard they can't breathe, no matter how much the genre is "sad girls with pretty voices". But it's how I react to Vienna, and how I react to s00j3 and how I would probably react to certain other musicians (like if I ever heard Amanda play Oasis live...).

And it's a really good reaction and I feel really overwhelmingly positive towards it. I mean, my eyes hurt a little, but whatever, I'm hells to the used to that. Sobbing uncontrollably is just a thing I *do* given certain input stimuli, and Vienna is one of the more calming ones. It bothers me not at all that I do this.

I just recognize that it's weird. And I have no interest in giving anyone else power over my by doing it with them. I react for no one but myself, thanks.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, it's kindof a mess. Anyways, Vienna played like five of my top seven Vienna songs, which was pretty damn great. She did not play Between (which is okay, I don't have anyone to waltz with4) and she did not play The Tower (which is okay, I was wrecked enough from Whatever You Want, jegus). We all sang along for City Hall. I was able to leave my hands at peace for Lullaby for a Stormy Night. I danced for Level Up (though weakly, the dancing was not quite there for me, which happens sometimes). And she opened with Harbor, which took me years and years to realize was not a song for me and Marc or me and mek or me and Sparr or me and any insignificant boy when it could be a song for me and Veronica.

It was a good concert.

~Sor
MOOP!


1: Which is not unwelcome in general, but at a concert, it's pretty deeply distracting from the whole "getting into the music" thing.

2: If I want to dance, and am in a space where I would not be in people's way to dance, I will dance. It may be the most powerful thing about me.

3: It's actually a little frustrating that I cannot interact with the concept of s00j-as-musician without sobbing. I look forward to this getting me in trouble someday, I'm expecting Balticon '16 or sooner.

4: There are some few dancing with people exceptions I would make, yes. But I won't waltz Between with just anyone. I'm pretty danceslutty about Alligator in the House though, if s00j plays that, I'm plenty down for tangos. And I will probably acquiesce to some blues next time I hear her in concert, but all my normal weird ass-blues stuff will apply.

4: This sentence is entertaining to me, because it is true.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Oh boy. There was a lot of Yak Shaving involved, but...I'm doing it! I'm making it happen!

I am adding my entire music library to Kela. All ten thousand tracks, all _fifty fucking gigs_ of it. I'm up to the Js right now as we speak.

I'm gonna have all my musicals again.

The only downside? It's a full music reset, just like it was when I went from Dmitri to Vera. Anything that wasn't already here? No ratings, no plays, no notes. But you know what? That's fucking okay. I kinda like the idea of starting over completely.

(No I don't. Not at all. But I am willing to open up Vera in the near future and run some comparison information. Keep a few most important playlists and the like.)

OKAY THOUGH

If we're starting over entirely, especially when it comes to the playlists, what do we _need_?

Musicals Duh. No fucking brainer. In the past, it's been as much as a quarter of my entire library.

Spoken Word Mostly comedy. I have a little bit of Eddie Izzard, a couple George Carlin albums, that sort of thing.

Explicitly Safe For Work This means stuff with no swear words, no rude or dubious content, in short, things I can play for minors without worrying about my job security.

Internet and Memes Weird stuff that I only have because I decided to download it for some reason1, and also copies of like Numa Numa and Never Gonna Give You Up.

Top Songs of 20xx Hey, has anyone else noticed that I did not make a Top Songs of 2014 post? That's because it's the first year since 2009 where I just don't have one, I'm sorry. This whole past year, there has been some music, but not enough, not new, not strongly enough.

2015 has a new s00j album, a not new s00j album, Matt Ebel, a return to Bootie, and Shut Up and Dance. It's not even halfway through March. Things are gonna be better now.

On an unrelated note, 15 gigs of my music is in the "T's", mostly because iTunes is stupid and I have all these bands that apparently start with "the".

The whole damn Dance subset I mean, I have a playlist called waltz already, but it is...not remotely accurate. Okay, I'm just gonna delete this one flat out, this is bullshit. Anyways, getting the dancable music collected, and sorted by genre is a huge good thing to get done. Clubbing. Blues. Swing. One-Steps. Polkas. Scottish Country. Highland. Waltz. Cross-Step Waltz. Cross-Step Waltz for teaching. ALL THE DANCE MUSIC!

Also, I will need to go through and purge any doubles, which is gonna suuuuuck. I wonder if there's a fast way to do that, I feel like I vaguely remember a way to show all the duplicates or all the things with the same name, but that was like...in 2006 or something, so I have no idea if iTunes has destroyed that, or even if I'm misremembering something from whatever music player I was using before that.

Ah! Found it!

Any number of weird mix-tape ideas to shuffle music into as I find them and put them together. Titles include: Whores Sing A Lot, Dental Assassins, Tenderly Rickrolled in a Hotel Bathroom, ...And Then She Shaved Her Legs, I Have a Little List (stolen liberally from [personal profile] anu3bis), Bagpipes and Sea Shanties

Alarm Clock Songs that make good alarms.

I think that's a good start for now. What playlists do you think I should have?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Prompted in no small part by shuffle bringing me "Tom Champion Is My Hero (2011 Remix)" which is an electronica remix of Tom Champion's robocalls for the City of Somerville in 2011. I am not joking, why do I have this, where did I get this (I mean, besides "the Davis Square LJ, obvs")
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, every year since aught-nine, I pretend to keep track of all the music I listen to, and then at the end of the year, I put together a list of the songs that Mattered. This year is odd, because the list is abnormally short --nine songs, before I go to do the last minute checks.

Actually, this year was really weird for music in general. My consumption has been going down [since college/as Vera ages], but I only put 29 new tracks into iTunes this entire year. I haven't even hit up Bootie in over a year. I've been listening to stuff, sorta, on my commutes and the like, but nothing has been STICKING or grabbing my brain and entrancing my mind or anything like that.

Well, almost nothing. Have a few examples.

The year started off with my exciting love of pop crashing into my weird love of Homestuck. [s] ke$ha: Enter is a mashup of the two. It's very well done and made good bouncy music for me to enjoy the rest of the year. Similarly in mashup joy, I've a random mashup (there are dozens, I'm sure) of Gangam Style and Party Rock that makes for a Grand Dancing Experience.

I am incredibly depressed that this is on here now: The Future's So Bright (I gotta wear shades) by Timbuk 3. I wrote about it in 2011, when I was graduating and everything was amazing and shiny and impressive and new. And gotta say, for the first six months of the year, hell yes this was apt. It's not like I don't like my life, or feel good for the future now, but it's draining being underemployed and (professionally!) unappreciated. Life will get better. It's just not the optimists dream it was from January to June.

I wrote in brief last year about the youtube video of Where the Hell is Matt 2012. Round about April I finally got around to adding the song -Trip the Light to my collection. It's lovely, and lightly sanity-inducing.

At the end of April, I started occasionally participating in Shapenote singing, which is wonderful, because there's no performance to it at all. The only song I knew previously (and still the only song I really know now) is Babylon is Fallen, and so anyone who shapenotes with me will have to put up with me requesting it every single time forever. Ayep.

Over the summer, I went to GENCON which was awesome, and I rode home with my new awesome friend Kate, who provided me a most wonderful dose of feminism! She also hooked me on the song Dutch, by Dessa, which is just beautiful. "Careful kid with that wolf whistle --you never know what you'll attract". For a year where becoming a more powerful kind of femme was a major theme, this was an excellent theme song.

Skid Row (Downtown) from Little Shop of Horrors appears for the second year in a row, as a counter to Future's So Bright. But even with the pain, there are grit teeth and determination and clawing your way out as hard as you can because fuck this. So that's there.

And similarly, there's Die Vampire Die, from Title of Show. Both carry an undercurrent of reaching deep inside yourself and _becoming better_ somehow. I struggle with motivation on my best days, because it is so easy to just...not do anything.

And then...there is Level Up.

Yeah, it's a problem to tell someone "oh just try harder and [be happy / leave your bed / get a job / perform humanity/existence/wonder/joy]". But like I said, I struggle with motivation, I need sometimes to hear it from another source that I need to stop doing whatever faff I'm indulging in and become MORE. Vienna Teng nailed it with her landmark new song this year. 74 plays in four months is not quiet, especially when my mind and self have been so gone for some of them.

This is a song that has no malice in it. All she wants is for you to become better and keep trying. I really like the message and idea of becoming better.

And that was my year. The only other thing that came remotely close to getting me entangled was The Creation of Man, from Scarlet Pimpernel. This is an entire song about how the only reason God created two sexes was so that men could look ~*~FABULOUS!~*~. I want to do a drag king/burlesque scene to it so so bad.

Here's to connecting more with sound in 2014.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This is probably the slowest moving constant in my livejournal. Were you here last time I did it?

Anyways, I collect excellent song lyrics, and every once in a while (when I've about 25 or so) I dump them out into a file and let you folk guess what songs they're from. Go go go! (not that there is actually presence enough to complete this meme anymore, but oh well, I still like the words.

55) And what is it that we're meant to have wrote -tsk- written?

56) I can't go on! The next part's just too personal to put into a pop song!

57) And as long as she's got noise, she's fine.

58) But she goes on curating your domestic museum
She disappears in her loyalty

59) Dance
It's all I want to do, why won't you dance?
I'm standing here with you, why won't you move?
Even if it throws you to the fire

60) I'm not the weak young thing you're seeking, Simon
Someone seventeen, obedient and sweet
I'm not the protege to waste your time on
I'm complete.

61) So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways

62) A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way

63) There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

64) Perhaps I am a miscreation
No one knows the truth, there is no future here

65) I am just a man, man in a city
city in a state, state of confusion

66) Having as much fun
As you can in your clothes

67) The bigger the camera
The bigger the tears

68) I'll call you master and I'm eager to please
I'm good around the lab and better down on my knees

69) Your song gets tween girls sighing
Two young lovers running from an unfeeling town
The truth is horrifying
Let me recap how the bloodbath went down
okay
so
I killed off Tybalt, 'cause Tybalt kills Mercutio
Juliet took roofies and goes comatose
I run to her grave where I whack Paris too
My mom dies of grief and still we're not through 'cause
I decide Juliet is headed six feet underground
So I kill off myself just as she's coming round
So then Juliet jams a knife into her chest
There's your love story, baby we're all eff'd.

70) You know I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt
And smiles

It's just a breakdown, it happens all the time
So get out of my face don't even try
You wanna help me?
Just let me cry.

71) Though I'm far away I whisper
Your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

72) Now here's the part we're talkin 'bout
With whom she's locking lips
'Cause after all a pirate queen
Has got to have her ships

Some say Harry's her true love
Or Ron she will betroth
She finally cried
"I can't decide
I'll have to have them both!"

73) If you want a life where everything is fine
Stop wasting your time.

74) Henry I adore you, always have done always will do
But I too have dreams
Maybe not as grand as yours
Or hard to understand as yours
But nonetheless *my* dreams

75) So careful kid with that wolf whistle
You never know what you'll attract

76) We are the blood inside the veins that pump this city full of life

77) So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars of the nevers and maybes
Die

78) How can I sing like a girl
And not be stigmatized
By the rest of the world?
How can I sing like a girl?
And not be objectified
As if I were a girl?

79) What if you counting on my failure made me live?

80) Each species needs a sex that's slated
To be highly decorated
That is why the Lord created
Men!

81) You know the bed feels warmer?
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour?
And do the things I want.

82) Everybody here has seams and scars
So what? Level up!
-or-
Call it any name you need
Call it your 2.0
Your rebirth
Whatever
-or-
Call it your day number one in the rest of forever
-or-
Yes you are only one
No it is not enough
But if you lift your eyes, I am your brother

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Boston Sorcy)
I have stopped being afraid of singing.

I grew up in a house with singing. Singing is a big deal to my mom, who was in a band in college, and knows all the folk songs and musicals, and is now in a lovely choir full of wonderful people. When we drove places in the car, it was with music on --her music, not the radio-- and often there was singing along. Alys inherited this love of song, and the two of them would sing to and with each other, in proper key and harmony.

I...did not sing though, not particularly. I did not chase down chorus and musical theatre in high school, I did not hum snippets of old songs with mom as we went about our days, I did not SING. Because, you know, I could sing along with stuff and only mangle the melody a little bit, but that was about it. As I've put it for years, I can carry a tune in a bucket, but I can't do anything with it once its there. So I pretty much don't sing, or if I do, certainly not in front of other people and not anything other than girl scout songs (where volume counts more than talent).

And lately that's been changing. Because I realized sometime very recently --probably at NEFFA, when Tracy dragged me to the shapenote singing-- that I enjoy singing. No, I'm not exceptionally good at it, but why do I have to be? None of my other hobbies have "being good" as a pre-requisite for doing the things I love, so why must singing? And like so many other things I do, if I do it often, and observe the people who are better, and practice, and practice, and always practice...then I will get better.

It was like flipping a switch in my mind. Like us all, I am strange and fractured and neurotic, and being bad at something meant I shouldn't ever let others observe that fact --or if I did, it must be among apologies, and flippant disregard for the thing at which I am poor. Which is bullshit at best, and downright offensive at worse. But there I was, in the middle of a square of people, just letting my voice join theirs to make something beautiful. And I was happy, in the sort of wholesome honest way that tells oneself that this is a thing to be nurtured.

Since then, I've had much less consternation about sharing my voice. I sing when I am bicycling, snippets of popular songs or unpopular songs, or random things made up to match the moment. I croon my lullabies to babies (as I have always done, quiet and secretly) but now I do not hesitate so much should the parents catch me at it. I sing along with my music even when there are people I like sitting right there. I only don't do it more because I want to have conversations --not because I'm ashamed or unsure of my weak voice.

It is a good thing. All of it is good. It is good to do something I love, and it is good to do something that makes me happy, and it is good to do something I grew up with.

And especially, it is good for me to do things that I am not good at. It is good for me to learn how to practice, because that's not a talent I hold naturally. Maybe even I will take lessons someday, but if I never do, I will be happy with the fact that I don't hide things that I like about myself.

I am finding myself to be a very agreeable person as I age.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have stopped being afraid of singing.

I grew up in a house with singing. Singing is a big deal to my mom, who was in a band in college, and knows all the folk songs and musicals, and is now in a lovely choir full of wonderful people. When we drove places in the car, it was with music on --her music, not the radio-- and often there was singing along. Alys inherited this love of song, and the two of them would sing to and with each other, in proper key and harmony.

I...did not sing though, not particularly. I did not chase down chorus and musical theatre in high school, I did not hum snippets of old songs with mom as we went about our days, I did not SING. Because, you know, I could sing along with stuff and only mangle the melody a little bit, but that was about it. As I've put it for years, I can carry a tune in a bucket, but I can't do anything with it once its there. So I pretty much don't sing, or if I do, certainly not in front of other people and not anything other than girl scout songs (where volume counts more than talent).

And lately that's been changing. Because I realized sometime very recently --probably at NEFFA, when Tracy dragged me to the shapenote singing-- that I enjoy singing. No, I'm not exceptionally good at it, but why do I have to be? None of my other hobbies have "being good" as a pre-requisite for doing the things I love, so why must singing? And like so many other things I do, if I do it often, and observe the people who are better, and practice, and practice, and always practice...then I will get better.

It was like flipping a switch in my mind. Like us all, I am strange and fractured and neurotic, and being bad at something meant I shouldn't ever let others observe that fact --or if I did, it must be among apologies, and flippant disregard for the thing at which I am poor. Which is bullshit at best, and downright offensive at worse. But there I was, in the middle of a square of people, just letting my voice join theirs to make something beautiful. And I was happy, in the sort of wholesome honest way that tells oneself that this is a thing to be nurtured.

Since then, I've had much less consternation about sharing my voice. I sing when I am bicycling, snippets of popular songs or unpopular songs, or random things made up to match the moment. I croon my lullabies to babies (as I have always done, quiet and secretly) but now I do not hesitate so much should the parents catch me at it. I sing along with my music even when there are people I like sitting right there. I only don't do it more because I want to have conversations --not because I'm ashamed or unsure of my weak voice.

It is a good thing. All of it is good. It is good to do something I love, and it is good to do something that makes me happy, and it is good to do something I grew up with.

And especially, it is good for me to do things that I am not good at. It is good for me to learn how to practice, because that's not a talent I hold naturally. Maybe even I will take lessons someday, but if I never do, I will be happy with the fact that I don't hide things that I like about myself.

I am finding myself to be a very agreeable person as I age.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, ever since 2009, I have kept a list of the Top Songs of any given year --songs that I played over and over again, that earwormed into me, that had a serious impact, or meant something meaningful, or changed my life (in big ways and little).

This has actually been a really quiet year, musically. I haven't been listening to stuff as much, I haven't been music trancing as much. In the first half of the year, I was doing a lot of howling my pain into song --that hasn't been nearly as true for the past several months. I'm not really sure what happened, but it makes me a little sad. I _like_ having noise to help soothe my mind.

But anyways, in mostly chronological order, music! And apologies, because I babble more every year )

And despite this post being long enough already (serves me right for doing this *before* the yearly recap), there are a few songs that I watched over and over on YouTube.

*The newest Where the Hell is Matt: Trip the Light
*jere7my got me hooked on Macklemore and Lewis's Thrift Shop (best. rap. ever!)
*Tumblr now has an entirely accurate anthem: I Live Life on Tumblr
*There were possibly forays into "Call Me Maybe", "Gangnam Style", and "Party Rock", but if you can't find those on your own, you're probably better off. What can I say, I really like pop!
*And by far my favourite YouTube sensation of the year, Bad Romance: Woman's Sufferage. Unf. Hits me right in the activism. And the video is ten times better if you've seen Lady Gaga's original video as many times as I have.

It's over!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I need music, too.

My life --when I'm not acting big-D Depressed1, when I'm not terrifying myself with my lack of existence-- has a significant component of introspection to it. I mean, I've kept a livejournal for nine fucking years and I'm not famous. Writing about myself is one of the most central things I do. In just my last post, I discussed that one of the things I need to do to keep myself sane is write, and it's true.

But I need music too. Sanity, stability, the ways that I present whole: these things take more than just a keyoard or pen. I need to eat. I need to get not too little social interaction, and not too much. I need to spend time alone, doing nothing of import. I need sunshine, and warmth, and physical comfort.

And I need music. For more than half my life, until I was blessed with a computer of my own in 2003, I existed without music of my own. Oh, sometimes I could watch movies and rewind the songs again and again2, but that was dependent on access to the television, a limited and desirable good. But then I had Dmitri, and he lived inside my bedroom, and not too long after I learned that I could put music I had heard onto his hard drive and listen to it whenever I wanted.

I don't often try to categorize the pivotal moments of my emotional development, but that well ought to be on the list. Because it took very little time at all until I actually started using that music: to distract, to lift, to heal.

And I still don't think of myself as musical. I have no identity invested in the fact that I require the voices of a thousand others to settle the ones inside my own devilish head. And so periods go by -a week, two, three- where I don't listen at all. They're always horrible. More so because it can take so long to figure out what is wrong at all. And even when I do...it's somedays so hard to fix.

I don't want to overwhelm my roommates3 with my music (especially not at the volumes I require --remember I live much of my life with an intensity overwhelming), so I do not play it aloud. Nor do I want to shut myself off socially, so I do not play it in headphones. And so long goes by where I do not play music at all.

This post is a reminder to stop that. In recent days I have been with friends who leave their music on in the background, something to lean against as they perform their days. I want that to be my home. Because I need music.

And maybe writing that down will help remind me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I'm not, to the best of my knowledge, Depressed. I exhibit symptoms sometimes, but as far as I can tell, they're well within the bounds of neurotypical mood swings.

2: Labyrinth and Cats were probably the two most common offenders. To this day, I can sing every word of Dance Magic Dance *and* do all the voices.

3: I mean, I do play it sometimes when I'm on my computer in the living room, or when I'm trying to cook. My roommates are totally fine with that. But sometimes, I just wantneed to play the same song fifty times in a row at 11 and I am not so uncouth as to think that would not bother others.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Just finished up the Vienna concert. Somewhat swooning, because man, that was all kinds of awesome. Both as a concert (Vienna, omgee!!) and as a technological thing, where I am sitting in the middle of my kitchen, in a chatroom with strangers, listening to Vienna. And when I don't know the lyrics I can look them up, and that's kinda completely awesome actually.

She played The Tower. First thing and right off the bat, and my heart fluttered and sung and everything was perfect forever. Then she played some other songs off her first album --in order, Daughter, Say Uncle, Drought, Gravity, Eric's Song, and Unwritten Letter Number One (For which she forgot the lyrics partway through, which was very cute, and the chatroom (which she had scrolling and could look over and read --this will be important in a minute-- exclaimed over the correct line for her.)

And then she played Between. And I flung myself from my seat, grabbing my speakers and getting them set up properly in a matter of seconds, because the music was just enough too soft and I couldn't have that, if I was going to dance, I was going to dance loudly. So now I have danced --fractured and stiff and strange-- to Between.

Someone in the chatroom asks her to tell the story behind Between, and she does, and she mentions that it didn't quite come together until she took a dance class. In the chat, I exclaim "Cross-step waltz!" into the rapidfire chatter of fans, which doesn't really matter until Vienna looks over and goes, "Yes cross-step!"

...and she's still talking but my mind is reeling at this tiny sliver of being touched by fame. For she is Vienna and all-powerful and she has just responded to what I said and oh. my. god.

That was cool.

Anyways, she wrapped up with Soon Love Soon (and I'm convinced that *everyone* was singing along, despite the miles and time zones between us). And then she was gone, with a beautiful smile and a wave, and we're left to our own chatter for a few minutes. And that was that.

I approve heartily of this sort of thing, and simply can't wait until the next one.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker MOOP!)
So, the past two years, I have posted a list of "Top Songs of 20xx". Top is an extremely vague descriptor of course, but it's basically all the things that I couldn't help but listen to on repeat.

This year was the first time I was actually organized enough about the project to keep track of all the songs as they happened, and not have to scramble to remember them later. So, in roughly chronological order (yay!) I give you the Top Songs of 2011.

Mandelbrot Set by Jonathan Coulton, peaking January 11th, but being played a bit before and after then. I don't know why. It's a good song, though.

And then I inexplicably use ALL THE WORDS, so sanity-cut )

And similar to last year, there were a couple things on YouTube that I listened to/watched way too much as well:

HE'S GOT A POSH NAME AND HE'S ON THE TELEVISION, SO IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THAT ALL THE DIRTY GIRLS WANT BENEDIC-- okay no don't actually watch this it will earworm forever.

I'm behind on my Weird Al love, but Perform This Way was awesome.

And because "fuck you, Homestuck, that's why." I present [S] Everyone: Have Sweet Rave Party. Okay, and because seriously "Homestuck, that's why", there is also Moves Like Homestuck. They recently played "Moves Like Jagger" at Squares and I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. It's mostly Tavros, and yes I know exactly how terrible a human being I am for that. Okay, and Eridan. And Terezi. And Nepeta doing Carameldansen. And _dammit, this is just my favourite fanwork, okay?_

HOLY FUCK.

THAT WAS A LOT OF WORDS ABOUT MUSIC.

Happy New Years, y'all. And now I am going to go make a playlist and entitle it "Top Songs of 2012" and see if anything interesting comes of it...

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Something I don't think I've ever intentionally mentioned: the filter on livejournal in which I discuss rape is called "TherapyFilter". Or more accurately, "TheRapyFilter". Hence.

2: I don't know exactly where this construct came from, but "I want to put it in my mouth" is totally my current way of saying I really like a thing. This works really well until I accidentally(intentionally) mix it up with "I want to have your babies" and say to Ria "I want to put your babies in my mouth."

Luckily, Ria is the best moirail, and thinks I am only a little entirely weird. It's okay, she keeps threatening to pee on everything I love.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, I was cruising around on Bandcamp earlier, looking to see if they offer gift certificates. (I will probably e-mail them and ask.)

Bandcamp is a music site, allowing artists to put up their music, have people listen to, and download or buy it. It seems like a functional site, and I smile when I run into it, since it's run by people who know what they're doing, both in terms of music presentation (you can download music in ALL the formats, basically), and computer functionality.

(How do I know about it? Because Andrew Hussie uses it to sell the Homestuck albums, all of which are pretty awesome. Again, something about my wanting gift certificates so I can pick and choose and not wind up with doubles.)

At any rate, I am hanging out on Bandcamp and reading their FAQ page. I get to this one:

How do I make the shared player autostart?
Welcome home! We trust your 8 year expedition to the heart of the Amazon was a great success. SO much has happened since you left. The first Delawarean was elected Vice President of the United States, the Chronicles of Riddick defied box office expectations, and tabbed browsers became commonplace. As a result, many web enthusiasts now open tabs as they surf. Autostarting media players don't play well with this behavior, since they put you in a position of wondering whoah, where is that sound coming from and then force you to play find-the-tab-making-your-eardrums-bleed. AUTOSTART IS EVIL is a fairly common refrain nowadays, and who are we to disagree?


That answer alone makes them my new favourite website on the internet.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
Clean all the things, damnit. Dear stuff I have to get done: Oh, it is *on*.

So, this post is my post to keep coming back to today, so that I have a list of things that I have actually accomplished. Whee!

STUFF ACCOMPLISHED TODAY:

*Took one of my few remaining emergency Concertas, figuring even placebo effects would help today
*Brushed my hair
*Braided my hair (albeit badly, it's hard to divide it right)
*Completed the first draft of my essay (stitching paragraphs together)
*Completed the second draft of my essay (cutting said paragraphs to fewer than 500 words)
*Sent copies to mom and Sparr for betaing
*Half-completed the third draft of my essay (based on Sparr's suggestions, still waiting for mom)
*Found my copy of "Sirens", which has been missing since I got to MD (I thought I left it in the car to Balticon, despite that not making sense)
*Eat breakfast1
*Script movie
*Finish getting my essay beta'd
*Final draft of essay
*Real final draft of essay (with dad's thoughts too)
*Wrote 750words!
*Beta script
*Rescript movie
*Beta application (via mom)
*Format application
*Print application
*Ate dinner
*Print essay
*Shoot movie
*Take headshot for MatM application
*Sound for movie
*Edit movie
*Burn DVD(s)
*Test DVD(s)

STUFF TO STILL ACCOMPLISH TODAYTOMORROW:

Ohgod. Is boring )

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Or rather, am in the process. Also, these are the worst eggs I have made for myself in like...four years. I'm very disappointed. I blame the lack of cheese in the house, and probably not actually using enough Teriyaki sauce.

2: None of you are actually reading this. Know how I can tell? Because I don't have half a dozen comments (or even one!) telling me I forgot to close my italics tag. Colour me traumatized, except this is a hells boring entry.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics




There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.





...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.





I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.




And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.





And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.




But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?




I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.




I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt1. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.




Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.




(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.





I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers2 call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.




The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.




~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
Things that I have determined:

*They found a self-replicating design for Conway's Game of Life, something that they weren't expecting to achieve for another decade or so.

*Seanan McGuire's Red Roses and Dead Things is one *hell* of a good album. (Yes, my music is rapidly approaching a type, shuddup)

*Girls wearing labcoats and little else are pretty hot, just on principle.

*I might be boy-crazy

*Being hyper-flirty-silly is an awesome mood, especially when I can actually get things done through it.

And now I go sleep, so tomorrow I can accomplish things for mom and drive to Origins. BYE GUYS, BE GOOD WHILE I'M GONE!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
So this is technically fifteen minutes late. Sue me, it's not tomorrow until the sun rises or I sleep.

A week ago, I made a post being all "Half-Naked Thursday, whee!". It was meant to be a look at more metaphorical nakedness, stripping down the walls to show you what I've really got going on in my world.

At any rate, then I mentioned that I originally had two photos and was only showing one of them. This makes this weeks HNT really really easy for me to manage --next week, I will have to actually look around to find a bit of myself to reveal, if indeed, I continue on with this trend.

But yes. Have a picture of me being naked. Odd, in that it's also not a picture of me at all.

Happy Thursday.



This second is a little more new, a little more raw. It's the ceiling of my room, directly above my desk.

A week or two ago, I was having a rough night. In talking with Rackle, she brought up the term "Index card days", where you're just so socially frustrated and out of cope that you have to communicate through tiny 3" by 5" cards.

I have a pile in my desk drawer. Out they came that day, and it seemed the most logical thing in the world to write some song lyrics across them. Lyrics from strength-songs, where the lyrics don't necessarily matter in the slightest, but the message of being strong is crucial to my well being. "Go Away Godboy" is the song I use the most for this --I've never really had problems with people trying to convert me or mine, but howling along with the words can stabilize my mood like nothing else.

Because the words are meant to say "fuck you, I'm stronger than that", and on days when I am weak and helpless, I really need that.

And I forced myself out of the sobbing1 to write more of them, because if I am actively writing, I am forcing distraction, and that little edge of distraction is all I need sometimes to stabilize. All of them have wound up there, tucked into the framework of the drop ceiling. I've got ten of them now, apparently. I'm sure that, as I enter this mood, and need the music and lyrics, I'll think of more.

So that's my current vulnerability. Come visit, I'll let you read them if you'd like.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which itself was after that pervasive emptiness, and broken by my reaching out. I don't like playing shitty girl games, and I hate being cryptic, but that doesn't mean I manage to make all my words to people transparent. There are people who can read between the letters and the lines, through the /me and the carefully arranged punctuation and capitalization, and figure out what I'm actually trying to say over IM, that I just can't, because the words just won't come.

...and because there isn't an elegant way to put what I'd be doing in reality into words. It's that vulnerable look when I arrive on your doorstep, and ask for a hug, and pull myself into you, a double fistful of your shirt as I hide inside your arms, and pour myself out onto your shoulder. It's past want, straight into need, and I don't have a lot of people I've done it to, or *could* do it to (two? maybe three?) and I'm about to lose one of them, but I don't care, because sometimes there's safety there, and that's what I need more than anything else, that memory of safety. ((ETA: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! But this is kinda what my brain starts doing when I am in a vulnerable state))

It's an index card with eight words on it. It's an IM with eleven. It's being held, and being *held* and being held. It's the stairwells at Springstep, and just out the door at NEFFA. It's the long process of reducing the scarred and improving the weird. It's crying in June with the door shut, it's crying in July curled in the arms of someone I can't have, it's crying in August to a boy I barely know, it's crying-sobbing-breaking in January as I watch Next to Normal and try to separate their pain from mine, and try to find the strength I need to say the words I can't, I couldn't, I did.

It's the response I need, when I need it. It's breaking the emptiness with a *kiss*, and breaking the sobs with an *embrace*. It's *comfort*, from everyone who's ever given it.

And it's s00j and Dar and Vienna and Amanda and Alice.

If you can figure out a quicker way to tell people I need "that" than all the above, I'd love to hear it.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, just *ages* ago now, [livejournal.com profile] leemoyer made a post with some of his favourite lyrics in it. This prompted me to make a meme-post, urging people to identify the lyrics that I adore and provided.

I told myself at the time that I'd go ahead and keep adding to the playlist/file, because it's one of my favourite things on my computer. And now, it's been an age, and I actually have 25 more songs for you to try and identify! (plus a super bonus all-N2N-all-the-time section because Next to Normal has eaten my brain)

So yeah. Identified lyrics are in bold. Entries with an "-Or-" just mean that there were multiple sets of lyrics I loved from that song.

26) And remember Love's a verb

27) One little girl
Is just a bit confused
Thought that she was human too


28) Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony
Everything is going wrong
But we're so happy!


29) Did he buy your heart with Visa
Or his platinum Mastercard?

30) And hearts getting broken
Leads to people getting cold
-Or-
So what's the Complication
Yeah it's only Conversation

31) A little bit of anarchy
But not the hurting kind


32) All I need
Is one good night's sleep
In your loving arms
To mend


33) In fighting there's no dignity
It's such a waste of time
Take my hand
I don't think God will mind


34) Don't lose your head
Because every night
Who's in your bed?


35) We got no class
And we got no principals
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes!


36) Ten years waiting for this moment of fate
Where we say the words and sign our names
If they take it away again someday
This beautiful thing won't change...


37) Oh you were the truth
Of my running mascara
The moment my mask
Was no more


38) I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

40) Freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
-Or-
And something more alive than the silence
Swallows conversation


41) That a life of great potential
Is dismissed, inconsequential
And only ever seen as being "cute"

42) I am nothing without you
But I don't know who you are


43) Wish you were here
Or else wish I was there
Don't you wish, that that wish, could come true?
I wish there were here
Or else I wish here were there
Don't you wish, silly things, like I do?

45) I'm not gonna live my life
On one side of an Ampersand
Even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you
'Cause I'll lose my voice completely

46) And the hardest part of life
Is to live while you're alive

47) Watch your heart when we're together
Boys like you love me forever
-Or-
Not psychotic or dramatic
I like boys and that is that.


50) If money's all you want
Then money's all you'll get
I'd rather be drunk and in love

51) Never been too good at asking
I'm more apt to do it alone
It's strange how a lot of us think something's wrong
When we can't do it all on our own

So tonight I'd like you to rock me to sleep
I'd like you to sing me a song
I'm tired of trying to figure things out
And I'm tired of being so strong.


52) Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna think anymore
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor


53) I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know -right now you can't tell


54) Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun


***

And these are all from Next to Normal, because it really is a fantastically quotable musical. Go ahead and identify the songs, one of you four people who know what I'm talking about:

39) Everything's great, why wouldn't it be great, it's great!
-Or-
And you're living on a latte and a prayer
-Or-
For what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me
-Or-
We're the perfect loving family
If they say we're not, then fuck 'em!
-Or-
It only hurts when I breathe
It only hurts when I try
It only hurts when I think
It only hurts when I cry
It only hurts when I work
It only hurts when I play
It only hurts when I move
It only hurts when I say

44) And you find out you don't have to be happy at all
To be happy you're alive
-Or-
Give me pain, if that's what's real
It's the price we pay to feel
-Or-
The price of love is loss
But still we pay
We love anyway

48) Maybe we can't be okay
But maybe we're tough, and we'll try anyway
-Or-
We tried to give you a normal life
I realize now I have no clue what that is.
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something Next to Normal could be okay.

49) Natalie! And this must be Henry! A pleasure to finally meet you. Come in! Why don't you join us for dinner?
Um, dad, Henry can't really stay. He's got um..
It's gonna be good
...Homework.
It's gonna be good
...Surgery!
We'll sit right down together like a happy family should
...Rabies!!




Man, I *really* ought to make a CD that is just this much of all these songs. It would be pretty fantastic, in a seriously ADHD way.

Accusations that I only like emo lyrics and pop songs are...well...really true, actually. Whee.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Y'all miss me? I was looking back over my archive and realized I've made painfully few posts this month. This is a damn shame, and I'm gonna see what I can do about fixing it a bit.

'Cause what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me, so fill me up for just another day!

I don't like depressing music.

This might surprise a lot of you, who I'm sure have observed the lyrics I post and tweet with a skeptical eye. How is "freedom is being alone, I fear liberation" not depressing, for instance. And do you really expect us to think you don't like depressing music given how often you use music to sob?

I do use music to sob. I use music to sob out the last of the pain and force it away from my head so I'm empty. It's a hell of a lot easier to reach stability from empty than from anywhere else. Music doesn't make me sad. It makes me stable.

And so the music I really like, when I'm in one of Those Moods? It's not sad music. I skip the slit-your-wrists emo and goth in exhange for music that puts me into an entirely different mood.

I like music that makes me hopeful. "Go Away Godboy" is a song about telling the bad things to sod off. "Oasis"1 is about how much life sucks, so might as well dwell on the positive. "Whatever You Want" is a song of taking power back.

And Next to Normal?

Every song I regularly listen to out of Next to Normal is a hopeful song. The whole musical is tinted by the pain and frustration and misery exhibited by every member of the family. And the songs I like? Are about fighting back, against your family, against your insanity, against your fear, and against your whole damn potential of inexistence.

This is music that goes straight past eleven into the category of howling along at the top of my lungs, and laughing maniacally as I do so. In chronological order, "Just Another Day", "Everything Else", "You Don't Know", "I Am The One", "I'm Alive", "I've Been", "Didn't I See This Movie?"2, "I'm Alive (reprise)" "The Break", "Maybe (Next to Normal)", "I Am The One (reprise)", and "Light" are all songs I can no longer listen to at a normal volume, because they are just so good at drowning out my internal monologue when sung along with.

It's not all the songs from the show that I have starred, but it's all the ones I have starred for a reason other than just being clever with the lyrics or musically fun. And you have no idea how hard it is not to toss in lyrics from every song I mentioned. No idea, because this musical is Just That Good.

So no, I don't listen to sad music. Why bother? Sad music would just reinforce the mood. I don't want to reinforce moods when I fight bottom. I want to break them.

And you find some way to survive. And you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (pre-note: Do not be with the Amanda wank in my comments. I'm still not sure I'm recovered from the last batch. There are plenty of other places to discuss her and the issues surrounding her right now.) It does not matter what else wank Amanda brings to the world, for this song, I will always have at least a little bit of respect for her. Hell, if she gets bad enough, I will rerecord this song myself, because it is a perfect microcosm of how I feel about all the doom and gloom in my world.

After all, I've seen better days but I don't care, oh I just got a letter in the mail, Oasis sent a photograph, it's autographed and everything, Melissa's gonna wet herself I *swear!*

(I really really like faking it like a giggly giddy typical teen girl. I have scared people with my like totally valley cheerleader voice OMG! It pleases me that Amanda does this at least a little bit too --hide the pain behind enough snark, and maybe people will never realize you're in pain in the first place.)

2: Curses, I missed a chance to quote swatches of this one in every day conversation. Yes, because sometimes my life is just that fantastic and weird.

!

Feb. 26th, 2010 02:12 pm
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all1
To be happy you're alive


...holy fucking shit, have I mentioned yet how repeatedly Next to Normal gets it absolutely one hundred percent right?

Next to Normal repeatedly gets it absolutely one hundred percent right.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Amusingly, this alone has made me legitimately happier than anything else in the past two days.

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