sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, every year since aught-nine, I pretend to keep track of all the music I listen to, and then at the end of the year, I put together a list of the songs that Mattered. This year is odd, because the list is abnormally short --nine songs, before I go to do the last minute checks.

Actually, this year was really weird for music in general. My consumption has been going down [since college/as Vera ages], but I only put 29 new tracks into iTunes this entire year. I haven't even hit up Bootie in over a year. I've been listening to stuff, sorta, on my commutes and the like, but nothing has been STICKING or grabbing my brain and entrancing my mind or anything like that.

Well, almost nothing. Have a few examples.

The year started off with my exciting love of pop crashing into my weird love of Homestuck. [s] ke$ha: Enter is a mashup of the two. It's very well done and made good bouncy music for me to enjoy the rest of the year. Similarly in mashup joy, I've a random mashup (there are dozens, I'm sure) of Gangam Style and Party Rock that makes for a Grand Dancing Experience.

I am incredibly depressed that this is on here now: The Future's So Bright (I gotta wear shades) by Timbuk 3. I wrote about it in 2011, when I was graduating and everything was amazing and shiny and impressive and new. And gotta say, for the first six months of the year, hell yes this was apt. It's not like I don't like my life, or feel good for the future now, but it's draining being underemployed and (professionally!) unappreciated. Life will get better. It's just not the optimists dream it was from January to June.

I wrote in brief last year about the youtube video of Where the Hell is Matt 2012. Round about April I finally got around to adding the song -Trip the Light to my collection. It's lovely, and lightly sanity-inducing.

At the end of April, I started occasionally participating in Shapenote singing, which is wonderful, because there's no performance to it at all. The only song I knew previously (and still the only song I really know now) is Babylon is Fallen, and so anyone who shapenotes with me will have to put up with me requesting it every single time forever. Ayep.

Over the summer, I went to GENCON which was awesome, and I rode home with my new awesome friend Kate, who provided me a most wonderful dose of feminism! She also hooked me on the song Dutch, by Dessa, which is just beautiful. "Careful kid with that wolf whistle --you never know what you'll attract". For a year where becoming a more powerful kind of femme was a major theme, this was an excellent theme song.

Skid Row (Downtown) from Little Shop of Horrors appears for the second year in a row, as a counter to Future's So Bright. But even with the pain, there are grit teeth and determination and clawing your way out as hard as you can because fuck this. So that's there.

And similarly, there's Die Vampire Die, from Title of Show. Both carry an undercurrent of reaching deep inside yourself and _becoming better_ somehow. I struggle with motivation on my best days, because it is so easy to just...not do anything.

And then...there is Level Up.

Yeah, it's a problem to tell someone "oh just try harder and [be happy / leave your bed / get a job / perform humanity/existence/wonder/joy]". But like I said, I struggle with motivation, I need sometimes to hear it from another source that I need to stop doing whatever faff I'm indulging in and become MORE. Vienna Teng nailed it with her landmark new song this year. 74 plays in four months is not quiet, especially when my mind and self have been so gone for some of them.

This is a song that has no malice in it. All she wants is for you to become better and keep trying. I really like the message and idea of becoming better.

And that was my year. The only other thing that came remotely close to getting me entangled was The Creation of Man, from Scarlet Pimpernel. This is an entire song about how the only reason God created two sexes was so that men could look ~*~FABULOUS!~*~. I want to do a drag king/burlesque scene to it so so bad.

Here's to connecting more with sound in 2014.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This is probably the slowest moving constant in my livejournal. Were you here last time I did it?

Anyways, I collect excellent song lyrics, and every once in a while (when I've about 25 or so) I dump them out into a file and let you folk guess what songs they're from. Go go go! (not that there is actually presence enough to complete this meme anymore, but oh well, I still like the words.

55) And what is it that we're meant to have wrote -tsk- written?

56) I can't go on! The next part's just too personal to put into a pop song!

57) And as long as she's got noise, she's fine.

58) But she goes on curating your domestic museum
She disappears in her loyalty

59) Dance
It's all I want to do, why won't you dance?
I'm standing here with you, why won't you move?
Even if it throws you to the fire

60) I'm not the weak young thing you're seeking, Simon
Someone seventeen, obedient and sweet
I'm not the protege to waste your time on
I'm complete.

61) So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways

62) A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way

63) There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

64) Perhaps I am a miscreation
No one knows the truth, there is no future here

65) I am just a man, man in a city
city in a state, state of confusion

66) Having as much fun
As you can in your clothes

67) The bigger the camera
The bigger the tears

68) I'll call you master and I'm eager to please
I'm good around the lab and better down on my knees

69) Your song gets tween girls sighing
Two young lovers running from an unfeeling town
The truth is horrifying
Let me recap how the bloodbath went down
okay
so
I killed off Tybalt, 'cause Tybalt kills Mercutio
Juliet took roofies and goes comatose
I run to her grave where I whack Paris too
My mom dies of grief and still we're not through 'cause
I decide Juliet is headed six feet underground
So I kill off myself just as she's coming round
So then Juliet jams a knife into her chest
There's your love story, baby we're all eff'd.

70) You know I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt
And smiles

It's just a breakdown, it happens all the time
So get out of my face don't even try
You wanna help me?
Just let me cry.

71) Though I'm far away I whisper
Your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

72) Now here's the part we're talkin 'bout
With whom she's locking lips
'Cause after all a pirate queen
Has got to have her ships

Some say Harry's her true love
Or Ron she will betroth
She finally cried
"I can't decide
I'll have to have them both!"

73) If you want a life where everything is fine
Stop wasting your time.

74) Henry I adore you, always have done always will do
But I too have dreams
Maybe not as grand as yours
Or hard to understand as yours
But nonetheless *my* dreams

75) So careful kid with that wolf whistle
You never know what you'll attract

76) We are the blood inside the veins that pump this city full of life

77) So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars of the nevers and maybes
Die

78) How can I sing like a girl
And not be stigmatized
By the rest of the world?
How can I sing like a girl?
And not be objectified
As if I were a girl?

79) What if you counting on my failure made me live?

80) Each species needs a sex that's slated
To be highly decorated
That is why the Lord created
Men!

81) You know the bed feels warmer?
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour?
And do the things I want.

82) Everybody here has seams and scars
So what? Level up!
-or-
Call it any name you need
Call it your 2.0
Your rebirth
Whatever
-or-
Call it your day number one in the rest of forever
-or-
Yes you are only one
No it is not enough
But if you lift your eyes, I am your brother

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Boston Sorcy)
I have stopped being afraid of singing.

I grew up in a house with singing. Singing is a big deal to my mom, who was in a band in college, and knows all the folk songs and musicals, and is now in a lovely choir full of wonderful people. When we drove places in the car, it was with music on --her music, not the radio-- and often there was singing along. Alys inherited this love of song, and the two of them would sing to and with each other, in proper key and harmony.

I...did not sing though, not particularly. I did not chase down chorus and musical theatre in high school, I did not hum snippets of old songs with mom as we went about our days, I did not SING. Because, you know, I could sing along with stuff and only mangle the melody a little bit, but that was about it. As I've put it for years, I can carry a tune in a bucket, but I can't do anything with it once its there. So I pretty much don't sing, or if I do, certainly not in front of other people and not anything other than girl scout songs (where volume counts more than talent).

And lately that's been changing. Because I realized sometime very recently --probably at NEFFA, when Tracy dragged me to the shapenote singing-- that I enjoy singing. No, I'm not exceptionally good at it, but why do I have to be? None of my other hobbies have "being good" as a pre-requisite for doing the things I love, so why must singing? And like so many other things I do, if I do it often, and observe the people who are better, and practice, and practice, and always practice...then I will get better.

It was like flipping a switch in my mind. Like us all, I am strange and fractured and neurotic, and being bad at something meant I shouldn't ever let others observe that fact --or if I did, it must be among apologies, and flippant disregard for the thing at which I am poor. Which is bullshit at best, and downright offensive at worse. But there I was, in the middle of a square of people, just letting my voice join theirs to make something beautiful. And I was happy, in the sort of wholesome honest way that tells oneself that this is a thing to be nurtured.

Since then, I've had much less consternation about sharing my voice. I sing when I am bicycling, snippets of popular songs or unpopular songs, or random things made up to match the moment. I croon my lullabies to babies (as I have always done, quiet and secretly) but now I do not hesitate so much should the parents catch me at it. I sing along with my music even when there are people I like sitting right there. I only don't do it more because I want to have conversations --not because I'm ashamed or unsure of my weak voice.

It is a good thing. All of it is good. It is good to do something I love, and it is good to do something that makes me happy, and it is good to do something I grew up with.

And especially, it is good for me to do things that I am not good at. It is good for me to learn how to practice, because that's not a talent I hold naturally. Maybe even I will take lessons someday, but if I never do, I will be happy with the fact that I don't hide things that I like about myself.

I am finding myself to be a very agreeable person as I age.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have stopped being afraid of singing.

I grew up in a house with singing. Singing is a big deal to my mom, who was in a band in college, and knows all the folk songs and musicals, and is now in a lovely choir full of wonderful people. When we drove places in the car, it was with music on --her music, not the radio-- and often there was singing along. Alys inherited this love of song, and the two of them would sing to and with each other, in proper key and harmony.

I...did not sing though, not particularly. I did not chase down chorus and musical theatre in high school, I did not hum snippets of old songs with mom as we went about our days, I did not SING. Because, you know, I could sing along with stuff and only mangle the melody a little bit, but that was about it. As I've put it for years, I can carry a tune in a bucket, but I can't do anything with it once its there. So I pretty much don't sing, or if I do, certainly not in front of other people and not anything other than girl scout songs (where volume counts more than talent).

And lately that's been changing. Because I realized sometime very recently --probably at NEFFA, when Tracy dragged me to the shapenote singing-- that I enjoy singing. No, I'm not exceptionally good at it, but why do I have to be? None of my other hobbies have "being good" as a pre-requisite for doing the things I love, so why must singing? And like so many other things I do, if I do it often, and observe the people who are better, and practice, and practice, and always practice...then I will get better.

It was like flipping a switch in my mind. Like us all, I am strange and fractured and neurotic, and being bad at something meant I shouldn't ever let others observe that fact --or if I did, it must be among apologies, and flippant disregard for the thing at which I am poor. Which is bullshit at best, and downright offensive at worse. But there I was, in the middle of a square of people, just letting my voice join theirs to make something beautiful. And I was happy, in the sort of wholesome honest way that tells oneself that this is a thing to be nurtured.

Since then, I've had much less consternation about sharing my voice. I sing when I am bicycling, snippets of popular songs or unpopular songs, or random things made up to match the moment. I croon my lullabies to babies (as I have always done, quiet and secretly) but now I do not hesitate so much should the parents catch me at it. I sing along with my music even when there are people I like sitting right there. I only don't do it more because I want to have conversations --not because I'm ashamed or unsure of my weak voice.

It is a good thing. All of it is good. It is good to do something I love, and it is good to do something that makes me happy, and it is good to do something I grew up with.

And especially, it is good for me to do things that I am not good at. It is good for me to learn how to practice, because that's not a talent I hold naturally. Maybe even I will take lessons someday, but if I never do, I will be happy with the fact that I don't hide things that I like about myself.

I am finding myself to be a very agreeable person as I age.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, ever since 2009, I have kept a list of the Top Songs of any given year --songs that I played over and over again, that earwormed into me, that had a serious impact, or meant something meaningful, or changed my life (in big ways and little).

This has actually been a really quiet year, musically. I haven't been listening to stuff as much, I haven't been music trancing as much. In the first half of the year, I was doing a lot of howling my pain into song --that hasn't been nearly as true for the past several months. I'm not really sure what happened, but it makes me a little sad. I _like_ having noise to help soothe my mind.

But anyways, in mostly chronological order, music! And apologies, because I babble more every year )

And despite this post being long enough already (serves me right for doing this *before* the yearly recap), there are a few songs that I watched over and over on YouTube.

*The newest Where the Hell is Matt: Trip the Light
*jere7my got me hooked on Macklemore and Lewis's Thrift Shop (best. rap. ever!)
*Tumblr now has an entirely accurate anthem: I Live Life on Tumblr
*There were possibly forays into "Call Me Maybe", "Gangnam Style", and "Party Rock", but if you can't find those on your own, you're probably better off. What can I say, I really like pop!
*And by far my favourite YouTube sensation of the year, Bad Romance: Woman's Sufferage. Unf. Hits me right in the activism. And the video is ten times better if you've seen Lady Gaga's original video as many times as I have.

It's over!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I need music, too.

My life --when I'm not acting big-D Depressed1, when I'm not terrifying myself with my lack of existence-- has a significant component of introspection to it. I mean, I've kept a livejournal for nine fucking years and I'm not famous. Writing about myself is one of the most central things I do. In just my last post, I discussed that one of the things I need to do to keep myself sane is write, and it's true.

But I need music too. Sanity, stability, the ways that I present whole: these things take more than just a keyoard or pen. I need to eat. I need to get not too little social interaction, and not too much. I need to spend time alone, doing nothing of import. I need sunshine, and warmth, and physical comfort.

And I need music. For more than half my life, until I was blessed with a computer of my own in 2003, I existed without music of my own. Oh, sometimes I could watch movies and rewind the songs again and again2, but that was dependent on access to the television, a limited and desirable good. But then I had Dmitri, and he lived inside my bedroom, and not too long after I learned that I could put music I had heard onto his hard drive and listen to it whenever I wanted.

I don't often try to categorize the pivotal moments of my emotional development, but that well ought to be on the list. Because it took very little time at all until I actually started using that music: to distract, to lift, to heal.

And I still don't think of myself as musical. I have no identity invested in the fact that I require the voices of a thousand others to settle the ones inside my own devilish head. And so periods go by -a week, two, three- where I don't listen at all. They're always horrible. More so because it can take so long to figure out what is wrong at all. And even when I do...it's somedays so hard to fix.

I don't want to overwhelm my roommates3 with my music (especially not at the volumes I require --remember I live much of my life with an intensity overwhelming), so I do not play it aloud. Nor do I want to shut myself off socially, so I do not play it in headphones. And so long goes by where I do not play music at all.

This post is a reminder to stop that. In recent days I have been with friends who leave their music on in the background, something to lean against as they perform their days. I want that to be my home. Because I need music.

And maybe writing that down will help remind me.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I'm not, to the best of my knowledge, Depressed. I exhibit symptoms sometimes, but as far as I can tell, they're well within the bounds of neurotypical mood swings.

2: Labyrinth and Cats were probably the two most common offenders. To this day, I can sing every word of Dance Magic Dance *and* do all the voices.

3: I mean, I do play it sometimes when I'm on my computer in the living room, or when I'm trying to cook. My roommates are totally fine with that. But sometimes, I just wantneed to play the same song fifty times in a row at 11 and I am not so uncouth as to think that would not bother others.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Just finished up the Vienna concert. Somewhat swooning, because man, that was all kinds of awesome. Both as a concert (Vienna, omgee!!) and as a technological thing, where I am sitting in the middle of my kitchen, in a chatroom with strangers, listening to Vienna. And when I don't know the lyrics I can look them up, and that's kinda completely awesome actually.

She played The Tower. First thing and right off the bat, and my heart fluttered and sung and everything was perfect forever. Then she played some other songs off her first album --in order, Daughter, Say Uncle, Drought, Gravity, Eric's Song, and Unwritten Letter Number One (For which she forgot the lyrics partway through, which was very cute, and the chatroom (which she had scrolling and could look over and read --this will be important in a minute-- exclaimed over the correct line for her.)

And then she played Between. And I flung myself from my seat, grabbing my speakers and getting them set up properly in a matter of seconds, because the music was just enough too soft and I couldn't have that, if I was going to dance, I was going to dance loudly. So now I have danced --fractured and stiff and strange-- to Between.

Someone in the chatroom asks her to tell the story behind Between, and she does, and she mentions that it didn't quite come together until she took a dance class. In the chat, I exclaim "Cross-step waltz!" into the rapidfire chatter of fans, which doesn't really matter until Vienna looks over and goes, "Yes cross-step!"

...and she's still talking but my mind is reeling at this tiny sliver of being touched by fame. For she is Vienna and all-powerful and she has just responded to what I said and oh. my. god.

That was cool.

Anyways, she wrapped up with Soon Love Soon (and I'm convinced that *everyone* was singing along, despite the miles and time zones between us). And then she was gone, with a beautiful smile and a wave, and we're left to our own chatter for a few minutes. And that was that.

I approve heartily of this sort of thing, and simply can't wait until the next one.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker MOOP!)
So, the past two years, I have posted a list of "Top Songs of 20xx". Top is an extremely vague descriptor of course, but it's basically all the things that I couldn't help but listen to on repeat.

This year was the first time I was actually organized enough about the project to keep track of all the songs as they happened, and not have to scramble to remember them later. So, in roughly chronological order (yay!) I give you the Top Songs of 2011.

Mandelbrot Set by Jonathan Coulton, peaking January 11th, but being played a bit before and after then. I don't know why. It's a good song, though.

And then I inexplicably use ALL THE WORDS, so sanity-cut )

And similar to last year, there were a couple things on YouTube that I listened to/watched way too much as well:

HE'S GOT A POSH NAME AND HE'S ON THE TELEVISION, SO IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THAT ALL THE DIRTY GIRLS WANT BENEDIC-- okay no don't actually watch this it will earworm forever.

I'm behind on my Weird Al love, but Perform This Way was awesome.

And because "fuck you, Homestuck, that's why." I present [S] Everyone: Have Sweet Rave Party. Okay, and because seriously "Homestuck, that's why", there is also Moves Like Homestuck. They recently played "Moves Like Jagger" at Squares and I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. It's mostly Tavros, and yes I know exactly how terrible a human being I am for that. Okay, and Eridan. And Terezi. And Nepeta doing Carameldansen. And _dammit, this is just my favourite fanwork, okay?_

HOLY FUCK.

THAT WAS A LOT OF WORDS ABOUT MUSIC.

Happy New Years, y'all. And now I am going to go make a playlist and entitle it "Top Songs of 2012" and see if anything interesting comes of it...

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Something I don't think I've ever intentionally mentioned: the filter on livejournal in which I discuss rape is called "TherapyFilter". Or more accurately, "TheRapyFilter". Hence.

2: I don't know exactly where this construct came from, but "I want to put it in my mouth" is totally my current way of saying I really like a thing. This works really well until I accidentally(intentionally) mix it up with "I want to have your babies" and say to Ria "I want to put your babies in my mouth."

Luckily, Ria is the best moirail, and thinks I am only a little entirely weird. It's okay, she keeps threatening to pee on everything I love.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, I was cruising around on Bandcamp earlier, looking to see if they offer gift certificates. (I will probably e-mail them and ask.)

Bandcamp is a music site, allowing artists to put up their music, have people listen to, and download or buy it. It seems like a functional site, and I smile when I run into it, since it's run by people who know what they're doing, both in terms of music presentation (you can download music in ALL the formats, basically), and computer functionality.

(How do I know about it? Because Andrew Hussie uses it to sell the Homestuck albums, all of which are pretty awesome. Again, something about my wanting gift certificates so I can pick and choose and not wind up with doubles.)

At any rate, I am hanging out on Bandcamp and reading their FAQ page. I get to this one:

How do I make the shared player autostart?
Welcome home! We trust your 8 year expedition to the heart of the Amazon was a great success. SO much has happened since you left. The first Delawarean was elected Vice President of the United States, the Chronicles of Riddick defied box office expectations, and tabbed browsers became commonplace. As a result, many web enthusiasts now open tabs as they surf. Autostarting media players don't play well with this behavior, since they put you in a position of wondering whoah, where is that sound coming from and then force you to play find-the-tab-making-your-eardrums-bleed. AUTOSTART IS EVIL is a fairly common refrain nowadays, and who are we to disagree?


That answer alone makes them my new favourite website on the internet.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
Clean all the things, damnit. Dear stuff I have to get done: Oh, it is *on*.

So, this post is my post to keep coming back to today, so that I have a list of things that I have actually accomplished. Whee!

STUFF ACCOMPLISHED TODAY:

*Took one of my few remaining emergency Concertas, figuring even placebo effects would help today
*Brushed my hair
*Braided my hair (albeit badly, it's hard to divide it right)
*Completed the first draft of my essay (stitching paragraphs together)
*Completed the second draft of my essay (cutting said paragraphs to fewer than 500 words)
*Sent copies to mom and Sparr for betaing
*Half-completed the third draft of my essay (based on Sparr's suggestions, still waiting for mom)
*Found my copy of "Sirens", which has been missing since I got to MD (I thought I left it in the car to Balticon, despite that not making sense)
*Eat breakfast1
*Script movie
*Finish getting my essay beta'd
*Final draft of essay
*Real final draft of essay (with dad's thoughts too)
*Wrote 750words!
*Beta script
*Rescript movie
*Beta application (via mom)
*Format application
*Print application
*Ate dinner
*Print essay
*Shoot movie
*Take headshot for MatM application
*Sound for movie
*Edit movie
*Burn DVD(s)
*Test DVD(s)

STUFF TO STILL ACCOMPLISH TODAYTOMORROW:

Ohgod. Is boring )

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Or rather, am in the process. Also, these are the worst eggs I have made for myself in like...four years. I'm very disappointed. I blame the lack of cheese in the house, and probably not actually using enough Teriyaki sauce.

2: None of you are actually reading this. Know how I can tell? Because I don't have half a dozen comments (or even one!) telling me I forgot to close my italics tag. Colour me traumatized, except this is a hells boring entry.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics




There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.





...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.





I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.




And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.





And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.




But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?




I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.




I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt1. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.




Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.




(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.





I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers2 call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.




The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.




~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
Things that I have determined:

*They found a self-replicating design for Conway's Game of Life, something that they weren't expecting to achieve for another decade or so.

*Seanan McGuire's Red Roses and Dead Things is one *hell* of a good album. (Yes, my music is rapidly approaching a type, shuddup)

*Girls wearing labcoats and little else are pretty hot, just on principle.

*I might be boy-crazy

*Being hyper-flirty-silly is an awesome mood, especially when I can actually get things done through it.

And now I go sleep, so tomorrow I can accomplish things for mom and drive to Origins. BYE GUYS, BE GOOD WHILE I'M GONE!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
So this is technically fifteen minutes late. Sue me, it's not tomorrow until the sun rises or I sleep.

A week ago, I made a post being all "Half-Naked Thursday, whee!". It was meant to be a look at more metaphorical nakedness, stripping down the walls to show you what I've really got going on in my world.

At any rate, then I mentioned that I originally had two photos and was only showing one of them. This makes this weeks HNT really really easy for me to manage --next week, I will have to actually look around to find a bit of myself to reveal, if indeed, I continue on with this trend.

But yes. Have a picture of me being naked. Odd, in that it's also not a picture of me at all.

Happy Thursday.



This second is a little more new, a little more raw. It's the ceiling of my room, directly above my desk.

A week or two ago, I was having a rough night. In talking with Rackle, she brought up the term "Index card days", where you're just so socially frustrated and out of cope that you have to communicate through tiny 3" by 5" cards.

I have a pile in my desk drawer. Out they came that day, and it seemed the most logical thing in the world to write some song lyrics across them. Lyrics from strength-songs, where the lyrics don't necessarily matter in the slightest, but the message of being strong is crucial to my well being. "Go Away Godboy" is the song I use the most for this --I've never really had problems with people trying to convert me or mine, but howling along with the words can stabilize my mood like nothing else.

Because the words are meant to say "fuck you, I'm stronger than that", and on days when I am weak and helpless, I really need that.

And I forced myself out of the sobbing1 to write more of them, because if I am actively writing, I am forcing distraction, and that little edge of distraction is all I need sometimes to stabilize. All of them have wound up there, tucked into the framework of the drop ceiling. I've got ten of them now, apparently. I'm sure that, as I enter this mood, and need the music and lyrics, I'll think of more.

So that's my current vulnerability. Come visit, I'll let you read them if you'd like.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which itself was after that pervasive emptiness, and broken by my reaching out. I don't like playing shitty girl games, and I hate being cryptic, but that doesn't mean I manage to make all my words to people transparent. There are people who can read between the letters and the lines, through the /me and the carefully arranged punctuation and capitalization, and figure out what I'm actually trying to say over IM, that I just can't, because the words just won't come.

...and because there isn't an elegant way to put what I'd be doing in reality into words. It's that vulnerable look when I arrive on your doorstep, and ask for a hug, and pull myself into you, a double fistful of your shirt as I hide inside your arms, and pour myself out onto your shoulder. It's past want, straight into need, and I don't have a lot of people I've done it to, or *could* do it to (two? maybe three?) and I'm about to lose one of them, but I don't care, because sometimes there's safety there, and that's what I need more than anything else, that memory of safety. ((ETA: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! But this is kinda what my brain starts doing when I am in a vulnerable state))

It's an index card with eight words on it. It's an IM with eleven. It's being held, and being *held* and being held. It's the stairwells at Springstep, and just out the door at NEFFA. It's the long process of reducing the scarred and improving the weird. It's crying in June with the door shut, it's crying in July curled in the arms of someone I can't have, it's crying in August to a boy I barely know, it's crying-sobbing-breaking in January as I watch Next to Normal and try to separate their pain from mine, and try to find the strength I need to say the words I can't, I couldn't, I did.

It's the response I need, when I need it. It's breaking the emptiness with a *kiss*, and breaking the sobs with an *embrace*. It's *comfort*, from everyone who's ever given it.

And it's s00j and Dar and Vienna and Amanda and Alice.

If you can figure out a quicker way to tell people I need "that" than all the above, I'd love to hear it.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, just *ages* ago now, [livejournal.com profile] leemoyer made a post with some of his favourite lyrics in it. This prompted me to make a meme-post, urging people to identify the lyrics that I adore and provided.

I told myself at the time that I'd go ahead and keep adding to the playlist/file, because it's one of my favourite things on my computer. And now, it's been an age, and I actually have 25 more songs for you to try and identify! (plus a super bonus all-N2N-all-the-time section because Next to Normal has eaten my brain)

So yeah. Identified lyrics are in bold. Entries with an "-Or-" just mean that there were multiple sets of lyrics I loved from that song.

26) And remember Love's a verb

27) One little girl
Is just a bit confused
Thought that she was human too


28) Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony
Everything is going wrong
But we're so happy!


29) Did he buy your heart with Visa
Or his platinum Mastercard?

30) And hearts getting broken
Leads to people getting cold
-Or-
So what's the Complication
Yeah it's only Conversation

31) A little bit of anarchy
But not the hurting kind


32) All I need
Is one good night's sleep
In your loving arms
To mend


33) In fighting there's no dignity
It's such a waste of time
Take my hand
I don't think God will mind


34) Don't lose your head
Because every night
Who's in your bed?


35) We got no class
And we got no principals
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes!


36) Ten years waiting for this moment of fate
Where we say the words and sign our names
If they take it away again someday
This beautiful thing won't change...


37) Oh you were the truth
Of my running mascara
The moment my mask
Was no more


38) I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

40) Freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
-Or-
And something more alive than the silence
Swallows conversation


41) That a life of great potential
Is dismissed, inconsequential
And only ever seen as being "cute"

42) I am nothing without you
But I don't know who you are


43) Wish you were here
Or else wish I was there
Don't you wish, that that wish, could come true?
I wish there were here
Or else I wish here were there
Don't you wish, silly things, like I do?

45) I'm not gonna live my life
On one side of an Ampersand
Even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you
'Cause I'll lose my voice completely

46) And the hardest part of life
Is to live while you're alive

47) Watch your heart when we're together
Boys like you love me forever
-Or-
Not psychotic or dramatic
I like boys and that is that.


50) If money's all you want
Then money's all you'll get
I'd rather be drunk and in love

51) Never been too good at asking
I'm more apt to do it alone
It's strange how a lot of us think something's wrong
When we can't do it all on our own

So tonight I'd like you to rock me to sleep
I'd like you to sing me a song
I'm tired of trying to figure things out
And I'm tired of being so strong.


52) Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna think anymore
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor


53) I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know -right now you can't tell


54) Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun


***

And these are all from Next to Normal, because it really is a fantastically quotable musical. Go ahead and identify the songs, one of you four people who know what I'm talking about:

39) Everything's great, why wouldn't it be great, it's great!
-Or-
And you're living on a latte and a prayer
-Or-
For what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me
-Or-
We're the perfect loving family
If they say we're not, then fuck 'em!
-Or-
It only hurts when I breathe
It only hurts when I try
It only hurts when I think
It only hurts when I cry
It only hurts when I work
It only hurts when I play
It only hurts when I move
It only hurts when I say

44) And you find out you don't have to be happy at all
To be happy you're alive
-Or-
Give me pain, if that's what's real
It's the price we pay to feel
-Or-
The price of love is loss
But still we pay
We love anyway

48) Maybe we can't be okay
But maybe we're tough, and we'll try anyway
-Or-
We tried to give you a normal life
I realize now I have no clue what that is.
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something Next to Normal could be okay.

49) Natalie! And this must be Henry! A pleasure to finally meet you. Come in! Why don't you join us for dinner?
Um, dad, Henry can't really stay. He's got um..
It's gonna be good
...Homework.
It's gonna be good
...Surgery!
We'll sit right down together like a happy family should
...Rabies!!




Man, I *really* ought to make a CD that is just this much of all these songs. It would be pretty fantastic, in a seriously ADHD way.

Accusations that I only like emo lyrics and pop songs are...well...really true, actually. Whee.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Y'all miss me? I was looking back over my archive and realized I've made painfully few posts this month. This is a damn shame, and I'm gonna see what I can do about fixing it a bit.

'Cause what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me, so fill me up for just another day!

I don't like depressing music.

This might surprise a lot of you, who I'm sure have observed the lyrics I post and tweet with a skeptical eye. How is "freedom is being alone, I fear liberation" not depressing, for instance. And do you really expect us to think you don't like depressing music given how often you use music to sob?

I do use music to sob. I use music to sob out the last of the pain and force it away from my head so I'm empty. It's a hell of a lot easier to reach stability from empty than from anywhere else. Music doesn't make me sad. It makes me stable.

And so the music I really like, when I'm in one of Those Moods? It's not sad music. I skip the slit-your-wrists emo and goth in exhange for music that puts me into an entirely different mood.

I like music that makes me hopeful. "Go Away Godboy" is a song about telling the bad things to sod off. "Oasis"1 is about how much life sucks, so might as well dwell on the positive. "Whatever You Want" is a song of taking power back.

And Next to Normal?

Every song I regularly listen to out of Next to Normal is a hopeful song. The whole musical is tinted by the pain and frustration and misery exhibited by every member of the family. And the songs I like? Are about fighting back, against your family, against your insanity, against your fear, and against your whole damn potential of inexistence.

This is music that goes straight past eleven into the category of howling along at the top of my lungs, and laughing maniacally as I do so. In chronological order, "Just Another Day", "Everything Else", "You Don't Know", "I Am The One", "I'm Alive", "I've Been", "Didn't I See This Movie?"2, "I'm Alive (reprise)" "The Break", "Maybe (Next to Normal)", "I Am The One (reprise)", and "Light" are all songs I can no longer listen to at a normal volume, because they are just so good at drowning out my internal monologue when sung along with.

It's not all the songs from the show that I have starred, but it's all the ones I have starred for a reason other than just being clever with the lyrics or musically fun. And you have no idea how hard it is not to toss in lyrics from every song I mentioned. No idea, because this musical is Just That Good.

So no, I don't listen to sad music. Why bother? Sad music would just reinforce the mood. I don't want to reinforce moods when I fight bottom. I want to break them.

And you find some way to survive. And you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (pre-note: Do not be with the Amanda wank in my comments. I'm still not sure I'm recovered from the last batch. There are plenty of other places to discuss her and the issues surrounding her right now.) It does not matter what else wank Amanda brings to the world, for this song, I will always have at least a little bit of respect for her. Hell, if she gets bad enough, I will rerecord this song myself, because it is a perfect microcosm of how I feel about all the doom and gloom in my world.

After all, I've seen better days but I don't care, oh I just got a letter in the mail, Oasis sent a photograph, it's autographed and everything, Melissa's gonna wet herself I *swear!*

(I really really like faking it like a giggly giddy typical teen girl. I have scared people with my like totally valley cheerleader voice OMG! It pleases me that Amanda does this at least a little bit too --hide the pain behind enough snark, and maybe people will never realize you're in pain in the first place.)

2: Curses, I missed a chance to quote swatches of this one in every day conversation. Yes, because sometimes my life is just that fantastic and weird.

!

Feb. 26th, 2010 02:12 pm
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all1
To be happy you're alive


...holy fucking shit, have I mentioned yet how repeatedly Next to Normal gets it absolutely one hundred percent right?

Next to Normal repeatedly gets it absolutely one hundred percent right.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Amusingly, this alone has made me legitimately happier than anything else in the past two days.
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
So, a couple weeks ago on my Twitter, I said the following: I am thinking about making a list of songs that particularly influenced or affected me this year. Anyone interested in seeing it?

Between getting a handful of yes responses, plus my general opinion that it doesn't really matter what you guys want when it comes to blogging --if I want to write a post, I will-- means that it's time for that post. A fitting first post for the New Year, yes? (certainly better than kvetching about my uterus deciding to hate me)

So, some music that particularly ties in with 2009, or something like that, sorted by the date it was first added to my itunes:

Half Jack by The Dresden Dolls, added 2007 11 28, played through June to Septemberish

Let's Dance to Joy Division by The Wombats, added 2008 06 06, played mostly in the early half of the year/late 2008

One of the many songs I adore that are basically "life sucks so let's BE HAPPY ANYWAYS FUCK YEAH WOO!"

New York City by They Might Be Giants, added 2008 09 11, played especially around June

May or may not kinda sorta a little bit be mine and Brenton's song, if we had such a thing as a song. Was given to me by Tho, and associates with him in my mind, too. Also, my second favourite TMBG song, after Birdhouse.

Ampersand by Amanda Palmer, added 2008 10 13, livejournal'd in January, played a lot around then.

Oasis by Amanda Palmer, added 2008 10 13, played in June and throughout the next few months

Another really one of those WOO LIFE SUCKS SO LET'S ROCK OUT WOO! songs. Also known as The Happiest Song About Rape and Abortion You'll Ever Hear!

Things You See in a Graveyard from Repo! The Genetic Opera, added 2008 12 07, played throughout the first few months of the year

The Leslians and I were really into Repo, for a spell. Still kinda are.

Die Vampire Die! from [Title of Show], added 2009 01 04, played throughout the year, peaking repeatedly

Around the World by ATC, added 2009 01 25, played all the damn time

It's the fifth most played song in my entire iTunes. Very dancy, good for walking around or driving.

2000 Soulchild Remix by Gorillaz, added 2009 03 05, played around Otakon

IT'S THE MUSIC BABBAGES!

...Go Ask Alys.

Whatever You Want by Vienna Teng, added 2009 04 08, played over and over and over again

...and over and over and over and over again. My love affair with this song is no secret. Nor is the fact that it makes me cry, often.

Stray Italian Greyhound by Vienna Teng, added 2009 04 08, played mostly the last two or three months --November/Decemberish

And this one makes me smile. It is a love song, sung by someone unused to the idea.

Go Away Godboy by S.J.Tucker, added 2009 05 26, played whenever it needed to be. A dozen times when I first got it, and sparingly and only when necessary since.

And I don't care to admit just how often it has been necessary --scanning my twitter for the lyrics will begin to give you a rough sense. But this song is strength and power and beauty and wonderful.

It cannot be listened to at less than eleven.

Love Story by Taylor Swift, added 2009 07 12, played mostly in July, but occasionally throughout the rest of the year too.

I hate the lyrics of this song with an unimaginable passion. "WHEE COME SAVE ME ROMEO AND WE'LL GET MARRIED!" But part of being unashamed of my non-ironic enjoyment of pop music involves being relatively aware of the fact that much of pop music does have the terrible lyrics thing going on.

Sigh.

Don't Stop Believin' from Glee, added 2009 07 21, played throughout the latter half of the year

Between Alys and me, I do believe mom now hates this song.

Doctor Jones by Aqua, added 2009 08 05, played a lot in August

In August, I got an Aqua CD from a thrift store. Best two bucks ever spent on music.

Daylight by Matt and Kim, added 2009 09 02, played a TON in early September, and kept creeping onto playlists throughout the rest of the year

Right Angles by The Paper Raincoat, added 2009 09 26, full album added
2009 10 13, played a whole damn lot throughout October, November, and December.

Yeah, note that I put both a song and a full album on there. For complete playability, nothing else this year came close to The Paper Raincoat, for the sole reason that I don't typically listen to albums as a whole, and yet this one grabbed me and shook me and said HELLO, WE ARE GOOD.

E Song by VaCo, added 2009 10 04, played not nearly often enough

Brenton tossed this at me, and it's totally bouncy.

Is That All There Is? by Peggy Lee, added 2009 12 17, played over and over and over again since then.

So. I've mentioned, in brief, either here or on Twitter that I went to see a stage show called "Sleep No More". I'm still working on a post on what precisely started to happen to me during that show1 but it was cool and twisted and shaky and not really what it's been like when I've come out of any other show.

But at one point in the show, they play this song. And it's beautiful and sad and tragic, and wrapped up entirely with the show. Sure, it's not a lot, but it's *something* I can take with me. I need that sometimes.



Apropos of nothing, I have stolen Dmitri's speakers, and plugged them into Vera. Holy dear hell, they are so *very* coming back to Boston with me. It's not that they're particularly better (I dunno, they might be, I don't do sound quality) it's just that I've had all these songs that would like to be played at eleven please, and the only way to actually do that would be to put the headphones in and turn it up WAY TOO LOUD. At least this way the WAYTOOLOUD music isn't blasting *directly* into my ears.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Short answer: I declared Hecatate my Mistress and everything else about the show became wrapped up in Worshipping her, and yes, with the stupid bullshit capital letters that irritate me so much
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Right before my eyes


When I was first introduced to Vienna Teng, by Marc, he mentioned something about her songs, and about a lot of people having one that was Theirs, that really spoke to them, more than anything else. He has one, and [livejournal.com profile] rm has one, and Alys has found one, and I've no doubt that a lot of her fans who I never will know have a song.

The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies


And I mean, I love a lot of her songs. A *lot*. Two days ago I was extolling the virtues of "Whatever You Want". I use "Lullaby for a Stormy Night" more than any lullaby except the one I grew up with. There are waltzes, and Last Waltzes, and Pentultimate Waltzes and none of them compare to one silly little dance to "Between". "City Hall" makes me tear up every time I hear it, "Stray Italian Greyhound" is my personal anthem to the joys of New Relationship Energy, "My Medea" played just right has brought me stability when I truly needed it...the list goes on and on.

She says "I need not to need


Vienna is, as I've said, my Tori Amos. She is the epitome of one of my most oft-used playlists, "Sad girls with pretty voices". It's for when I am lost. Or lonely. Or melancholic. For when I need help to cope. For when I need strength. By this point...I've got 21 of her songs starred, marked as good. I don't need the playlist anymore. I just need Vienna.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go


And of course, of all those songs I've got marked as wonderful, as amazing, as worth listening to, I have one of them that, from the moment I first listened to the lyrics, first talked to me and me alone. When I first found her, I found she had free songs linked on her webpage, just four little downloads. "Homecoming" is okay, and "Gravity" is lovely, and "Harbor" was the first song I heard of her and really noticed.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow"


And then there was "The Tower".

She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk


It is a three minute and fifty-three second mp3 that you may get off the internet for free. If you would like to hear it, you may click on this link right here.

The words won't come


It is a three minute and fifty-three second free mp3 that grabbed me and gave me a gift of its lyrics and said "hello". It said "Hello" and called me Little Girl, and politely offered me the chance to put all those vague thoughts that drift through the back of my mind into a song, one that I could listen to, and sing, and give to other people if I so chose. It gave me a copy of myself, of the parts I don't always show, of the parts I don't always admit.

She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it


It gave me the knowledge that, all these parts I don't show, all these parts I don't admit? I am not alone in these thoughts. It gave me safety in numbers. Security, of sorts. I may be crazy, but I'm not the only one.

She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done


And oh dear gods, did I need it. I needed it at the time, and I needed it other times, and I need it tonight. Every once in a while, I go and find and read the lyrics, and I'm shaken all over again to realize just how much I need this song, because I realize just how true it is to me.

And yet I need not to need


...Because I hate needing, because that means someone else has to waste their time and energy and life and happiness helping me. I hate taking that from people.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go


Sometimes I think I have found such a love, and when I realize it, I'm struck with fear at how unbelievably lucky I really am. But most of the time, I accept that no one will ever have the perfect sense to know when I need them, and I'm terrible at offering weakness anyways, and it doesn't matter, since this should be me in the first place, taking care of myself. I need not to need, after all.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow


Ultimately? Being strong is hard. Being fragile is harder.

Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one

I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe


It is not always my favourite of all the Vienna Teng songs. But whatever else happens, I think that it is, and will always be, My song.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
1532:
Managed to cull the hats into the things I actually regularly wear. Even though it breaks my heart to do such a thing, since I do love my hats, quite dearly. Also, I really need to start doing the mom thing more often, and wearing a backwards ball cap --I have two perfectly good ones. (Would have three if I hadn't lost my Sweeney Todd one like an idiot)

At any rate, that's one of the two really hard clothing things done. Next up...shoes, and those don't squish *nearly* as well.

1619:
NO I DID NOT GET DISTRACTED BY ALYS PLAYING EVERQUEST WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT HAHA

1651:
So, a little bit of exploration re: that bacardi commercial I posted has led me to discover the fun that is Matt and Kim. I'm still sitting at three songs --the ones they've got official music videos-- but I like what I hear. Getting my hands on their album is a must; I keep putting on Daylight to clean to, and dancing around like an idiot instead. It's *very* fun.

Also, I mean, they strip down. In the middle of Times Square. In winter. For a Music Video.

What can I say, I'm a little bit of a sucker for girls who don't shave their armpits. Unshaven legs I can take or leave, but please leave the hair under the arms, it is totally lovely.

((yes, I am a little bit of a freak sometimes))

1700
Also, it bugs me when people whine about musicians selling out. If Matt and Kim hadn't sold out by having their music in that commercial, they would have one less fan who enjoys their stuff and would be willing to go see them play live, if they came anywhere near Boston. (Though I am looking for excuses to go to New York...)

Plus, selling out = enough money to eat and make more music that you'll enjoy. Or whine about. Whichever.

(I am not actually a music fan, just a person who listens to music sometimes and likes it.)

1701
RIGHT WORKING RIGHT!

1719
Notetoself: Don't read YouTube comments. duh.

1724
I have a lot of zip ties, and am not really sure why this is. Also, I'm rapidly approaching the point where I need an actual tool bag for myself, fucking *glee!* even if I lost my totally awesome knife damnit damnit

1736
Seriously, making a cohesive list of everything left I had to pack was a really quite clever idea. Well done, Miss Kyress1. NOW DO THE THINGS ON THE LIST!

1738
Notetoself, do a Sorky2 vocab sheet sometime. Need to have on it: Pumpkin Time, some names of mine, Milk Crates, ponies and monkeys, other things I say a lot, fwen. Similar to my acronyms cheat sheet.

1755
RIGHT THAT WAS AN INTERESTING YET POINTLESS DIVERSION. Back to the accounts.

1805
I do not know what is up with my left hand these days. It just insists on baubles --doesn't feel right without three rings and some bracelets, or something equally warped. WHY DO YOU SO WANT FRIVOLS, SELF?

1816
Also, judging by dad's tentative plans, I have less than forty-eight hours left in Maryland. BOOYAH!

1817
Things I need to do during the daylight hours tomorrow: Return Larry's sound equipment, go to the post office and send presents to people. NTS: Make sure I have addresses. Also, bank. Also, at some point I need to order my birthday present for myself.

1822
Hmm, wonder if the package center is hiring. It would certainly ensure that I actually get all my mail when it comes, and not, oh, in mid summer for packages sent in march. *rars at Lesley*.

((Those cookies were still delicious though!))

1840
The beginning of "Board of Governors" from Jekyll and Hyde always sounds a bit like the music from The Weakest Link to me. More cracktastic artists than myself (or at least, more familiar with the J&H secondary characters) would be drawing this. "Henry Jekyll, you are....THE WEAKEST LINK. GOODBYE!"

...Hyde would like it to be know that he doesn't approve.

1843:
..........ohmygods, Henry Jekyll/Herbert West. They can try to out 'scientist' each other. It'll be all delightfully sociopathic and WONDERFUL. Both of them are all like "It's for a good cau-AUG MY LIFE IS BEING RUINED SHIT SHIT!"

Yes, I know there's only like one person out there who'll appreciate this, but whatever. THAT'S REASON ENOUGH TO POST IT!

1848:
......does that make Hyde Dan? Because...no. Not at all. I'd say maybe Hyde corresponds to West, but Hyde's a lot less concerned with results. Arg and damnation.

1907
HA! I SAY HA! TAKE THAT SHOES! YOU ARE NO MORE A PROBLEM!!!

((That's how I know I'm a chick. Seriously, I have way too many shoes to ever be a boy.))

1927
It's always nice when this project looks doable, instead of "oh god oh god"

2004
Iiiii don't want to do the rest of this. Like, at all. Someone come pack for me?

2012
Still left to sort through/deal with: Notebooks?, Blank papers, Presents, Writing stuff, Wearable clothes, Laundry, Props box, Electronics, Business Cards, Pocket Stuff, Desk

Still left to pack: Photos, Weaponry, Jewelry stuff, Jewelry, Buttons, Love letters, Food, Top of Dresser, Legos?

ARGSAUCE!

I should just post this, and have more entertaining bits and pieces later or something.

~Sor
MOOP!

Postscript: Found my diary. Yay!

1: This is totally the Katters' fault, as are many of my names (See: "Sor") The first time I ever heard her pronounce "Sorcyress" she was doing so with a k sound for the c, rather than the s sound I'd been using. It's...a thing that I split names down the middle (also her fault) so I chose to shift the name from Sor Cyress (Pronounced Sigh-ress)to Sor Kyress. (Kai-ress).

2: Pretty much the same as reasons stated above.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Stollen for Ria, 'cause it's memetime!

* Post ten of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.

* NO CAPTIONS!!! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.

* They must ALREADY be on your hard drive - no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.

* You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.

((My note? Please DO ask questions. A couple of the images are easily misinterpreted, and while I think it would be really really funny to have to answer the question, I really do not feel like telling everyone I know "no, I am not going to be a boy, I am happy being cisgendered female" or whatever. Also, I like comments.))

I should point out that I have roughly gabillions of images on my desktop. These are ten that fit me today. Tomorrow's batch would be completely different, I expect. )

~Sor
MOOP!

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