sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This is probably the slowest moving constant in my livejournal. Were you here last time I did it?

Anyways, I collect excellent song lyrics, and every once in a while (when I've about 25 or so) I dump them out into a file and let you folk guess what songs they're from. Go go go! (not that there is actually presence enough to complete this meme anymore, but oh well, I still like the words.

55) And what is it that we're meant to have wrote -tsk- written?

56) I can't go on! The next part's just too personal to put into a pop song!

57) And as long as she's got noise, she's fine.

58) But she goes on curating your domestic museum
She disappears in her loyalty

59) Dance
It's all I want to do, why won't you dance?
I'm standing here with you, why won't you move?
Even if it throws you to the fire

60) I'm not the weak young thing you're seeking, Simon
Someone seventeen, obedient and sweet
I'm not the protege to waste your time on
I'm complete.

61) So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways

62) A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way

63) There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

64) Perhaps I am a miscreation
No one knows the truth, there is no future here

65) I am just a man, man in a city
city in a state, state of confusion

66) Having as much fun
As you can in your clothes

67) The bigger the camera
The bigger the tears

68) I'll call you master and I'm eager to please
I'm good around the lab and better down on my knees

69) Your song gets tween girls sighing
Two young lovers running from an unfeeling town
The truth is horrifying
Let me recap how the bloodbath went down
okay
so
I killed off Tybalt, 'cause Tybalt kills Mercutio
Juliet took roofies and goes comatose
I run to her grave where I whack Paris too
My mom dies of grief and still we're not through 'cause
I decide Juliet is headed six feet underground
So I kill off myself just as she's coming round
So then Juliet jams a knife into her chest
There's your love story, baby we're all eff'd.

70) You know I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt
And smiles

It's just a breakdown, it happens all the time
So get out of my face don't even try
You wanna help me?
Just let me cry.

71) Though I'm far away I whisper
Your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

72) Now here's the part we're talkin 'bout
With whom she's locking lips
'Cause after all a pirate queen
Has got to have her ships

Some say Harry's her true love
Or Ron she will betroth
She finally cried
"I can't decide
I'll have to have them both!"

73) If you want a life where everything is fine
Stop wasting your time.

74) Henry I adore you, always have done always will do
But I too have dreams
Maybe not as grand as yours
Or hard to understand as yours
But nonetheless *my* dreams

75) So careful kid with that wolf whistle
You never know what you'll attract

76) We are the blood inside the veins that pump this city full of life

77) So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars of the nevers and maybes
Die

78) How can I sing like a girl
And not be stigmatized
By the rest of the world?
How can I sing like a girl?
And not be objectified
As if I were a girl?

79) What if you counting on my failure made me live?

80) Each species needs a sex that's slated
To be highly decorated
That is why the Lord created
Men!

81) You know the bed feels warmer?
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour?
And do the things I want.

82) Everybody here has seams and scars
So what? Level up!
-or-
Call it any name you need
Call it your 2.0
Your rebirth
Whatever
-or-
Call it your day number one in the rest of forever
-or-
Yes you are only one
No it is not enough
But if you lift your eyes, I am your brother

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics




There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.





...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.





I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.




And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.





And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.




But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?




I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.




I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt1. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.




Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.




(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.





I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers2 call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.




The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.




~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have apparently determined that listening to "Between"1 on endless repeat is fun and a good idea! Doubly frustrating, because I was doing this a couple weeks ago, too --I don't like being in the same gloomspace twice in a month. I thought I had snapped out of this one already.

***

Went into my multivariate calc exam fully expecting to fail. Sat down to maybe scrawl some notes down for a study sheet, and realized that I hadn't actually learned anything all semester. It felt a bit like those stereotypical dreams2 where you didn't know you had a test and so didn't study, except without the waking up part. Quite awful.

Luckily, I was able to pummel my memory into at least writing down something for every part of every problem, and I do think I had some idea of what I was doing on a few of them. I did manage to correctly remember what cross-product multiplication of vectors was, so, yay me I guess.

But yeah. Things I learned this semester: Parameterization. WoooooooooooowhydoIsuckatmath?

***

I am supposed to be packing right now, as today I move the rest of my stuff out and start on my grand gallivanting adventure that I really just *have* to get some e-mails out about. First though, I think I need to find somewhere in Porter Exchange to scavenge breakfast from. So yes, breakfast, then go home and throw everything into boxes, then commit seppuku, then...wait, spellcheck recognizes seppuku? I am astonished, I was just throwing that in to check if anyone was paying attention.

...today is one of those whiny days where I really want attention. I'm going to have to snap my mind out of that before I get annoying, since I'm painfully aware of the fact that me being all *cling, paw, paw, paw* at people is in fact, not charming.

(Today is also one of those whiny days where I somewhat want to hide forever. I'll see how well I can manage that once I've finished packing.)

***

Rackle is really really cool, and said some good words to me last night that I should reread at some point and remember.

***

(Calling Olsen, calling Memphis, I am calling, can you hear this?)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: By Vienna Teng. Good song, great waltz, really honestly kinda depressing as hell when you listen to the lyrics. Multiple depressing ways to look at it, too. It's *brilliant* or something. The fact that it's invaded my world for the moment might be a bad sign, not really sure. I think I prefer to sort out the problems that it expresses rather than collapse under the weight of them. Wooooo, cryptic!

2: I don't remember if I mentioned it when xkcd brought it up, but I don't have stereotypical dreams. I have only rarely dreamt myself naked, and never had my teeth fall out. I've never flown (though I would fall for a while, but not endless falling --just a ten-twenty foot drop half sliding alongside a wall). My dream tropes involve getting uncomfortably groped by people I'm supposed to be platonically fond of. Oh, and food. I have good food dreams unfairly often.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
So this is technically fifteen minutes late. Sue me, it's not tomorrow until the sun rises or I sleep.

A week ago, I made a post being all "Half-Naked Thursday, whee!". It was meant to be a look at more metaphorical nakedness, stripping down the walls to show you what I've really got going on in my world.

At any rate, then I mentioned that I originally had two photos and was only showing one of them. This makes this weeks HNT really really easy for me to manage --next week, I will have to actually look around to find a bit of myself to reveal, if indeed, I continue on with this trend.

But yes. Have a picture of me being naked. Odd, in that it's also not a picture of me at all.

Happy Thursday.



This second is a little more new, a little more raw. It's the ceiling of my room, directly above my desk.

A week or two ago, I was having a rough night. In talking with Rackle, she brought up the term "Index card days", where you're just so socially frustrated and out of cope that you have to communicate through tiny 3" by 5" cards.

I have a pile in my desk drawer. Out they came that day, and it seemed the most logical thing in the world to write some song lyrics across them. Lyrics from strength-songs, where the lyrics don't necessarily matter in the slightest, but the message of being strong is crucial to my well being. "Go Away Godboy" is the song I use the most for this --I've never really had problems with people trying to convert me or mine, but howling along with the words can stabilize my mood like nothing else.

Because the words are meant to say "fuck you, I'm stronger than that", and on days when I am weak and helpless, I really need that.

And I forced myself out of the sobbing1 to write more of them, because if I am actively writing, I am forcing distraction, and that little edge of distraction is all I need sometimes to stabilize. All of them have wound up there, tucked into the framework of the drop ceiling. I've got ten of them now, apparently. I'm sure that, as I enter this mood, and need the music and lyrics, I'll think of more.

So that's my current vulnerability. Come visit, I'll let you read them if you'd like.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which itself was after that pervasive emptiness, and broken by my reaching out. I don't like playing shitty girl games, and I hate being cryptic, but that doesn't mean I manage to make all my words to people transparent. There are people who can read between the letters and the lines, through the /me and the carefully arranged punctuation and capitalization, and figure out what I'm actually trying to say over IM, that I just can't, because the words just won't come.

...and because there isn't an elegant way to put what I'd be doing in reality into words. It's that vulnerable look when I arrive on your doorstep, and ask for a hug, and pull myself into you, a double fistful of your shirt as I hide inside your arms, and pour myself out onto your shoulder. It's past want, straight into need, and I don't have a lot of people I've done it to, or *could* do it to (two? maybe three?) and I'm about to lose one of them, but I don't care, because sometimes there's safety there, and that's what I need more than anything else, that memory of safety. ((ETA: Holy run-on sentences, Batman! But this is kinda what my brain starts doing when I am in a vulnerable state))

It's an index card with eight words on it. It's an IM with eleven. It's being held, and being *held* and being held. It's the stairwells at Springstep, and just out the door at NEFFA. It's the long process of reducing the scarred and improving the weird. It's crying in June with the door shut, it's crying in July curled in the arms of someone I can't have, it's crying in August to a boy I barely know, it's crying-sobbing-breaking in January as I watch Next to Normal and try to separate their pain from mine, and try to find the strength I need to say the words I can't, I couldn't, I did.

It's the response I need, when I need it. It's breaking the emptiness with a *kiss*, and breaking the sobs with an *embrace*. It's *comfort*, from everyone who's ever given it.

And it's s00j and Dar and Vienna and Amanda and Alice.

If you can figure out a quicker way to tell people I need "that" than all the above, I'd love to hear it.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So, just *ages* ago now, [livejournal.com profile] leemoyer made a post with some of his favourite lyrics in it. This prompted me to make a meme-post, urging people to identify the lyrics that I adore and provided.

I told myself at the time that I'd go ahead and keep adding to the playlist/file, because it's one of my favourite things on my computer. And now, it's been an age, and I actually have 25 more songs for you to try and identify! (plus a super bonus all-N2N-all-the-time section because Next to Normal has eaten my brain)

So yeah. Identified lyrics are in bold. Entries with an "-Or-" just mean that there were multiple sets of lyrics I loved from that song.

26) And remember Love's a verb

27) One little girl
Is just a bit confused
Thought that she was human too


28) Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony
Everything is going wrong
But we're so happy!


29) Did he buy your heart with Visa
Or his platinum Mastercard?

30) And hearts getting broken
Leads to people getting cold
-Or-
So what's the Complication
Yeah it's only Conversation

31) A little bit of anarchy
But not the hurting kind


32) All I need
Is one good night's sleep
In your loving arms
To mend


33) In fighting there's no dignity
It's such a waste of time
Take my hand
I don't think God will mind


34) Don't lose your head
Because every night
Who's in your bed?


35) We got no class
And we got no principals
And we got no innocence
We can't even think of a word that rhymes!


36) Ten years waiting for this moment of fate
Where we say the words and sign our names
If they take it away again someday
This beautiful thing won't change...


37) Oh you were the truth
Of my running mascara
The moment my mask
Was no more


38) I want adventure in the great wide somewhere

40) Freedom is being alone
I fear liberation
-Or-
And something more alive than the silence
Swallows conversation


41) That a life of great potential
Is dismissed, inconsequential
And only ever seen as being "cute"

42) I am nothing without you
But I don't know who you are


43) Wish you were here
Or else wish I was there
Don't you wish, that that wish, could come true?
I wish there were here
Or else I wish here were there
Don't you wish, silly things, like I do?

45) I'm not gonna live my life
On one side of an Ampersand
Even if I went with you
I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you
'Cause I'll lose my voice completely

46) And the hardest part of life
Is to live while you're alive

47) Watch your heart when we're together
Boys like you love me forever
-Or-
Not psychotic or dramatic
I like boys and that is that.


50) If money's all you want
Then money's all you'll get
I'd rather be drunk and in love

51) Never been too good at asking
I'm more apt to do it alone
It's strange how a lot of us think something's wrong
When we can't do it all on our own

So tonight I'd like you to rock me to sleep
I'd like you to sing me a song
I'm tired of trying to figure things out
And I'm tired of being so strong.


52) Stop calling, stop calling, I don't wanna think anymore
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor


53) I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know -right now you can't tell


54) Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun


***

And these are all from Next to Normal, because it really is a fantastically quotable musical. Go ahead and identify the songs, one of you four people who know what I'm talking about:

39) Everything's great, why wouldn't it be great, it's great!
-Or-
And you're living on a latte and a prayer
-Or-
For what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me
-Or-
We're the perfect loving family
If they say we're not, then fuck 'em!
-Or-
It only hurts when I breathe
It only hurts when I try
It only hurts when I think
It only hurts when I cry
It only hurts when I work
It only hurts when I play
It only hurts when I move
It only hurts when I say

44) And you find out you don't have to be happy at all
To be happy you're alive
-Or-
Give me pain, if that's what's real
It's the price we pay to feel
-Or-
The price of love is loss
But still we pay
We love anyway

48) Maybe we can't be okay
But maybe we're tough, and we'll try anyway
-Or-
We tried to give you a normal life
I realize now I have no clue what that is.
I don't need a life that's normal
That's way too far away
But something Next to Normal could be okay.

49) Natalie! And this must be Henry! A pleasure to finally meet you. Come in! Why don't you join us for dinner?
Um, dad, Henry can't really stay. He's got um..
It's gonna be good
...Homework.
It's gonna be good
...Surgery!
We'll sit right down together like a happy family should
...Rabies!!




Man, I *really* ought to make a CD that is just this much of all these songs. It would be pretty fantastic, in a seriously ADHD way.

Accusations that I only like emo lyrics and pop songs are...well...really true, actually. Whee.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Y'all miss me? I was looking back over my archive and realized I've made painfully few posts this month. This is a damn shame, and I'm gonna see what I can do about fixing it a bit.

'Cause what doesn't kill me, doesn't kill me, so fill me up for just another day!

I don't like depressing music.

This might surprise a lot of you, who I'm sure have observed the lyrics I post and tweet with a skeptical eye. How is "freedom is being alone, I fear liberation" not depressing, for instance. And do you really expect us to think you don't like depressing music given how often you use music to sob?

I do use music to sob. I use music to sob out the last of the pain and force it away from my head so I'm empty. It's a hell of a lot easier to reach stability from empty than from anywhere else. Music doesn't make me sad. It makes me stable.

And so the music I really like, when I'm in one of Those Moods? It's not sad music. I skip the slit-your-wrists emo and goth in exhange for music that puts me into an entirely different mood.

I like music that makes me hopeful. "Go Away Godboy" is a song about telling the bad things to sod off. "Oasis"1 is about how much life sucks, so might as well dwell on the positive. "Whatever You Want" is a song of taking power back.

And Next to Normal?

Every song I regularly listen to out of Next to Normal is a hopeful song. The whole musical is tinted by the pain and frustration and misery exhibited by every member of the family. And the songs I like? Are about fighting back, against your family, against your insanity, against your fear, and against your whole damn potential of inexistence.

This is music that goes straight past eleven into the category of howling along at the top of my lungs, and laughing maniacally as I do so. In chronological order, "Just Another Day", "Everything Else", "You Don't Know", "I Am The One", "I'm Alive", "I've Been", "Didn't I See This Movie?"2, "I'm Alive (reprise)" "The Break", "Maybe (Next to Normal)", "I Am The One (reprise)", and "Light" are all songs I can no longer listen to at a normal volume, because they are just so good at drowning out my internal monologue when sung along with.

It's not all the songs from the show that I have starred, but it's all the ones I have starred for a reason other than just being clever with the lyrics or musically fun. And you have no idea how hard it is not to toss in lyrics from every song I mentioned. No idea, because this musical is Just That Good.

So no, I don't listen to sad music. Why bother? Sad music would just reinforce the mood. I don't want to reinforce moods when I fight bottom. I want to break them.

And you find some way to survive. And you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: (pre-note: Do not be with the Amanda wank in my comments. I'm still not sure I'm recovered from the last batch. There are plenty of other places to discuss her and the issues surrounding her right now.) It does not matter what else wank Amanda brings to the world, for this song, I will always have at least a little bit of respect for her. Hell, if she gets bad enough, I will rerecord this song myself, because it is a perfect microcosm of how I feel about all the doom and gloom in my world.

After all, I've seen better days but I don't care, oh I just got a letter in the mail, Oasis sent a photograph, it's autographed and everything, Melissa's gonna wet herself I *swear!*

(I really really like faking it like a giggly giddy typical teen girl. I have scared people with my like totally valley cheerleader voice OMG! It pleases me that Amanda does this at least a little bit too --hide the pain behind enough snark, and maybe people will never realize you're in pain in the first place.)

2: Curses, I missed a chance to quote swatches of this one in every day conversation. Yes, because sometimes my life is just that fantastic and weird.

!

Feb. 26th, 2010 02:12 pm
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all1
To be happy you're alive


...holy fucking shit, have I mentioned yet how repeatedly Next to Normal gets it absolutely one hundred percent right?

Next to Normal repeatedly gets it absolutely one hundred percent right.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Amusingly, this alone has made me legitimately happier than anything else in the past two days.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She's coming apart
Right before my eyes


When I was first introduced to Vienna Teng, by Marc, he mentioned something about her songs, and about a lot of people having one that was Theirs, that really spoke to them, more than anything else. He has one, and [livejournal.com profile] rm has one, and Alys has found one, and I've no doubt that a lot of her fans who I never will know have a song.

The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies


And I mean, I love a lot of her songs. A *lot*. Two days ago I was extolling the virtues of "Whatever You Want". I use "Lullaby for a Stormy Night" more than any lullaby except the one I grew up with. There are waltzes, and Last Waltzes, and Pentultimate Waltzes and none of them compare to one silly little dance to "Between". "City Hall" makes me tear up every time I hear it, "Stray Italian Greyhound" is my personal anthem to the joys of New Relationship Energy, "My Medea" played just right has brought me stability when I truly needed it...the list goes on and on.

She says "I need not to need


Vienna is, as I've said, my Tori Amos. She is the epitome of one of my most oft-used playlists, "Sad girls with pretty voices". It's for when I am lost. Or lonely. Or melancholic. For when I need help to cope. For when I need strength. By this point...I've got 21 of her songs starred, marked as good. I don't need the playlist anymore. I just need Vienna.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go


And of course, of all those songs I've got marked as wonderful, as amazing, as worth listening to, I have one of them that, from the moment I first listened to the lyrics, first talked to me and me alone. When I first found her, I found she had free songs linked on her webpage, just four little downloads. "Homecoming" is okay, and "Gravity" is lovely, and "Harbor" was the first song I heard of her and really noticed.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow"


And then there was "The Tower".

She turns up the light
Anticipating night falling tenderly around her
Watches the dusk


It is a three minute and fifty-three second mp3 that you may get off the internet for free. If you would like to hear it, you may click on this link right here.

The words won't come


It is a three minute and fifty-three second free mp3 that grabbed me and gave me a gift of its lyrics and said "hello". It said "Hello" and called me Little Girl, and politely offered me the chance to put all those vague thoughts that drift through the back of my mind into a song, one that I could listen to, and sing, and give to other people if I so chose. It gave me a copy of myself, of the parts I don't always show, of the parts I don't always admit.

She carries the act so convincingly
The fact is sometimes she believes it


It gave me the knowledge that, all these parts I don't show, all these parts I don't admit? I am not alone in these thoughts. It gave me safety in numbers. Security, of sorts. I may be crazy, but I'm not the only one.

She can be happy with the way things are
Be happy with the things she's done


And oh dear gods, did I need it. I needed it at the time, and I needed it other times, and I need it tonight. Every once in a while, I go and find and read the lyrics, and I'm shaken all over again to realize just how much I need this song, because I realize just how true it is to me.

And yet I need not to need


...Because I hate needing, because that means someone else has to waste their time and energy and life and happiness helping me. I hate taking that from people.

Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go


Sometimes I think I have found such a love, and when I realize it, I'm struck with fear at how unbelievably lucky I really am. But most of the time, I accept that no one will ever have the perfect sense to know when I need them, and I'm terrible at offering weakness anyways, and it doesn't matter, since this should be me in the first place, taking care of myself. I need not to need, after all.

I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow


Ultimately? Being strong is hard. Being fragile is harder.

Reach out, hold back
Where is safety
Reach out and hold back
Where is the one who can change me
Where is the one
The one

I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in the snow
The danger and the power
Friend and the foe


It is not always my favourite of all the Vienna Teng songs. But whatever else happens, I think that it is, and will always be, My song.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker-MOOP!)
Years go by and now the child is twenty
Though her dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams, and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Every rare once in a while, I will, for no apparent reason, filk my life into whatever song appears to fit.

This was today's adventure (apologies to John and John)

Where do they Sell Kazoos?

Paper Source sells paper
The deli's selling food
Grocery store sells flowers for the girls who will be wooed
J.P. Licks is Ice Cream
Joeys is for Thai
Goodwill's full of lots of things, I guess I better try

'Cause where?
Where do they sell kazoos?
Oh where?
Where do they sell kazoos?

Rosie's is a bakery
Scottish Import's gone
Joie de Vivre ought to work, but inventory's wrong.
Greenward is for hippies
Tokai is for gifts
Ace is for construction, toilitries from CVS

But where?
Where do they sell kazoos?
Where?
Where do they sell kazoos?

Kazooooooos. Kazoooooooos! Kazoooooos. Kazooooooos!

Porter Square's a T-stop
Davis is as well
Harvard Square might be right, but getting there is hell
Damn my feet are tired
Been walking all the day
Just try Stellabella, if they have them I will pay

And there
There's where they sell kazoos
There!
There's where they sell kazoos!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Best Song Lyrics Ever Meme

Hokay, so, [livejournal.com profile] leemoyer was posting about some of his favourite song lyrics, and asking people to provide their own. This has inspired me to make a meme out of that thing, using twenty-five of my favourite song lyrics.

Name the song and artist/show these all come from, why don't you! For reference, stuff that's been guessed is bolded

1) Angry men don't write the rules, and guns don't right the wrongs
The Ballad of Booth, Assassins

2) Isn't it enough to know that I ruined an elmo*
Making a gift for youuu!

Muppet Laboratories, Rob Balder
(filk of Skullcrusher Mountain, Jonathan Coulton)

((Yes, you can get points for naming what the song is if it said 'pony' instead of 'elmo'))
((Also, this may be *slightly* biased towards Janny. *grins*))

3) Do you wanna carve
My name into a wall
Right next to yours, inside the shape of a heart?

All of the Above, Big City Rock

4) He said 'hey listen to me', Stay sane inside insanity
Eddie, Rocky Horror Picture Show

5) The opposite of war isn't peace, it's CREATION
La Vie Boheme (reprise), Rent

6) Where sir
And when sir
I couldn't be tense-er

Shy, Once Upon a Mattress

7) I think that this line's mostly filler
Walk Through the Fire, Once More With Feeling

8) Everybody's got the right to some sunshine
Not the sun, but maybe one of it's beams!

Everybody's Got the Right, Assassins

9) Downtown, where the guys are drips
Downtown, where they rip your slips
Downtown, where relationships are no goooo

Skid Row (Downtown), Little Shop of Horrors

10) Oh there's one hundred ways
That we can bruise each other
And tear each other's sweet hearts apart
But let the rhythem of the pain
Beat its desolate refrain
And let the miracle of love keep a shining through your heart.

Miracle of Love, Brad Sachs

11)
I play the cello!
Awesome! What is it?
[Makes cello motions]
A saw!
No dude, it's like a giant violin

Status Quo, High School Musical

12) There is no future
There is no past
Forget regret
Your life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Thank god this moment's not the last

Finale B, Rent

13) The story never changes,
just the names and faces
Like Tommy and Gina
they're living on a prayer

Did you just say that?

Punk Rock 101, Bowling for Soup

14) Because I can
'cause no one can stop me
'cause it makes up for things I lost
Because I'm addicted to bad ideas
And all the beauty in this world.

Addicted to Bad Ideas, World/Inferno Friendship Society

15) And I don't understand, and she tries to explain
And all her mascara runs down in her pain

The Babysitter's Here, Dar Williams

16) I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is

The Longest Time, Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies (and, you know, others, but this is the version I like best)

17) Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat
Out Tonight, Rent

18) Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl
'Cause it hurts like hell

Underground, Labyrinth

19) Don't stress
Relax
Let life roll of your backs
Except for death and paying taxes
Everything in life is only
For now

For Now, Avenue Q

20) Why would we rather put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?

21) One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention
Was I really seeking good?
Or just seeking attention...

No Good Deed, Wicked

22) In this beautiful life, there is always some sorrow
And it's a double edged knife, but there's always tomorrow

Ordinary Day, Great Big Sea

23) I need not to need
I've always been the tower
But now I feel like the flower
Trying to bloom in snow

The Tower, Vienna Teng

24) We got a call
To write a song
About the war in the gulf
But we shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings
So we tried
But gave up
'Cause there was no such song

Gulf War Song, Moxy Fruvous

25) Because every new car you buy
It makes the poor baby Jesus cry

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
A/N: The events and things and thoughts and feelings leading up to this particular thoughtstream have been sorted out and reasoned with and talked over and etc. In short, please don't read too deeply into this post, I'm not trying to put it out there as a hint to anyone*, it is merely some words that I think sound good strung together.

***

friendship privileges )

~Sor
MOOP!

*...anymore.
**This may be less true than I think. I'm not sure how body shy I am at the moment, it tends to vary across a long range, even within the same people.
***Well, technically, I don't want to stoink anybody. Replace with snog/date/pet as appropriate.

Not private because I'm better than that.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
"We could be
Sitting in the computer lab
Four AM before the final papers due
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner
And seeing the rest of the class there too!"

-"I wish I could go back to college" Avenue Q

siurhsg;josipaefd!! Can I just be...done. Y'know, with this project? Because it is STUPID, and I should way be done.

Hokay, at this point I believe I can just fully blame my Perfectionistic Sensebilities. No, I didn't *need* to draw the pictures myself, I could've found them online. And the description pages really really don't need this much detail or anything. But RAR IT MUST LOOK HELLA GOOD!

Fucking OCD. *cleans her glasses while she's at it, because she hasn't in a while.*

On the plus side, once I'm home, I will scan and upload the awesome picture of me menacing a bitch of a windowsbox with a sledgehammer. Yes, Doble_16, I'm talking about you. Fuckhead PC.

Yep, back to work. And then off to packing. SO CLOSE TO DONE COMPUTERS THOUGH RAR.

Okay, yeah. Catch you on the flip side.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
This bridge was written
to make you feel smitten
With my sad picture
of girl getting bitter
Oh can you extract me
from my plastic fantasy
I didn't think so
But I'm still convincible
Will you persist
Even after I bet you
A million dollars
That I'll never love you
And will you persist
even after I kissed you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying

to prove that I'm dying
to lose it, I'm losing
my confidence
I want it
I want it
I want it
I want it
I want to
I want to
I want to
I want to
I want you
I want you
I want you
I want you
I want a
I want a
I...want...a...
I......want......a......
coin operated boy

***

'When normal people get stressed, they eat more and sleep more and drink more caffinee and punch things, and work out their stress in rational ways. When I get stressed, I write. Come to think of it, when I get happy I write. And sad. And angry. Oh bollocks, writing is my comfort food, isn't it?'

***

Hehehe, more flistspam! You poor poor people, you didn't sign up for this. But that's the beauty of having a livejournal --I can write all sorts of loads and loads of shit, and I'll just assume you'll skip it if you aren't interested. Or something. You should still all go vote in my poll so I know to get you a Holiday card.

Allfornow.

~Sor
MOOP!

ToPost:
Nettiquite question involving changing security level
Bit of ramble on certain phraseology
Something else from my notebook
ToDo lists
Aig, stress!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Doom and Gloom and dark despair
People Dying Everywhere
On your birthday
Happy birthday

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
May the death left in your wake
burn like candles on your cake
on your birthday
happy birthday

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
When you reach the age you are
Your demise cannot be far
on your birthday
happy birthday

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Doom and Gloom and dark despair
People Dying Everywhere
On your birthday
Happy birthday

~Sor

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sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
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