sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)


I'm bursting into tears writing even that much (and even knowing that every time I start crying again it makes the stabbing pains in my head flare up --I just took an ibuprofen, I should be fine soon, but oh god, I have cried too much today and my head is pounding.)



On June 15th, 2009, I sent an email that quite literally changed my life. It was to Magus. It ended with the line "[I] kinda understand completely if you don't want to date the stupid crazy chick".

It started with the line "For more or less the entirety of our relationship, Ksatyr raped me".

It was the hardest, and scariest, email I have ever sent to anyone, ever. It was the first time I ever explicitly told another person I had been raped. It was easily one of the first times I was able to say the phrase "kSatyr raped me". I wrote a few paragraphs of it in the early evening, and then I went off and did errands and distracted myself before coming back and writing the rest. And hitting send.

If you had asked me a month ago, what if felt like to send that email, I wouldn't have been able to give you a particularly good answer. Time fades memory, and time dulls pain. "Definitely scary? Kinda shameful? Worried I was messing everything up? Self-loathing that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow ruined?"

Today I have a different answer: This. It feels like this.

Because I am sitting in a different bedroom, with a different laptop, and I am shaking uncontrollably. This time it wasn't an email, it was a phone call. It wasn't calculated, it was impulsive. And it wasn't to say I had been raped.

It was to say I might have Depression. To a health care professional --the evening staffer at my medical practice. I asked to be called tomorrow, to see about scheduling an appointment, to try and do a screening and maybe start therapy, or medication, or behavioral modification or...

to maybe stop being broken.

Because I know it wasn't the proper hours to make an appointment, but if I tried to wait until then, I wasn't going to call. Not ever.

And maybe I don't actually have depression, but there is something that is not right with me. I don't know if I need to change my medication, or engage in behavioral psych, or what, but I can't get things done and that's not normal. I can't get _anything_ done. I go to work and I do what they need me to do, but then I go home and just...

I'm not even entirely sure where the time goes, some days.

I've been trying to apply to grad schools for something like three years now, and there's something blocking my brain, making it impossible for me to do it, and I don't know what or why or how to fix it.

And maybe the doctors can.


I just had a half-hour conversation with the on-call evening shift nurse/medic/???. Her name is Stephanie. She is calm and collected and honest and compassionate.

I missed the Fall 2017 deadline for Tufts. For BU too, but they say theirs is a soft deadline --not to say that I'm thrilling enough to get in after it passed, but now at least I know.

And I can start moving forward anyways. Maybe if I apply now, they'll keep me on file for 2018. That can work too. And maybe if I am managing to apply to grad schools, I will find the same space in me to apply to jobs. And manage the Highland Ball, and Pinewoods. To get things done.

I am so scared. I have so much to do and it's so hard and scary, and I'm not good at it.

I can't do this alone.

You must understand how much it chokes me to write those words. I crave freedom like I crave air, and I've never understood a meaning of the word where I rely on other people.

But I've done more for my future in a half-hour phone call with a stranger than I've managed in three years alone. [[deep breath kiddo, close the eyes, make the fingers say words that feel like traitors to your fucked up broken brain]] I can't do this alone. I need help to get my brain on track, to get my world on track. Absolutely I should be able to do things functionally by myself, but there's no shame in having my friends, my family, give me reminders.

Please, if you think of it, give me reminders. Please ask me to do some of the work I need to do. Please check in with how I'm doing, especially at times when I can do it (IM is tops for this).


On June 15th, 2009, I took a deep breath and hit send on an email that boiled down to "please help me be better". Today is January 23rd, 2017. I am going to hit post, and ask all of you the same thing.

I can do this. I can ask for help when I need it. I can fix my brain, and I can have support while it happens.

((Words make truth.))


((PostScript: As always, I am not and do not experience suicidal ideation. Thank you for caring about me.))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
((Wrote about half of this in response to a random Tumblr thing, then decided I didn't want to bother on my phone ((probably somewhere around the first footnote)) and now I am too lazy to dig up the relevant post.))

Here's a thing: I am absolutely a newbie to being a Star Wars *fan*. But I own eight action figures now, and I really like my collection and want to keep adding to it.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have cared in the slightest about owning any action figures. But then jere7my brought me to the midnight toy release for The Force Awakens. Not because I'm super into Star Wars (I, like most geeks (and non-geeks), enjoy the movies but that's about it) but because he needed a getaway driver and we're best friends so I'll totally do the man a solid.

Now, jere7my has been a Star Wars fan since he watched them in theatres as a little kid, holding his dad's hand. He has a heap of action figures, which he displays proudly on the bookshelf of his otherwise quite adult looking house0. And when I was poking around and asking dumb questions about who all the droids were, he was enthusiastic and friendly and excited. He commiserated with me about the lack of good Leias. And when I found a little Rey figure, and decided that I liked her, he told me she was a good choice, the new heroine, and he was happy for me.

He didn't roll his eyes at me1 or act indignant or otherwise sneer down his nose that I didn't already know the minute everything of the entire extended universe. When I decided I wanted a Sabine figure this most recent toy-release-night2, just because she looked cool, he didn't scold me for not knowing what she was from, he just agreed that she was cool and told me that she was from Star Wars Rebels so I could watch her source material if I wanted3.

It drives me crazy when I see ridiculous hobby gatekeeping, doesn't have to be that way. Star Wars has a fan who buys merchandise4 because they had another fan who was open and cool and invited me to share with him something he loved. I'm pretty thick-skinned about the "fake geek girl"5 bullshit, but that doesn't mean I want to feel like I have to pass a series of vocabulary tests just to purchase the cool action figure girl with the blue hair.

Share the things you love. Share, not horde and overprotect and dole out in measured doses only to those you deem "worthy". It's just better for everyone.


0: Srsly, jere7my and ad_familiares's house is _unbelievably gorgeous_ and well put together and lovely. All their art is framed, and it's interesting and vivid and some of it is bugs! Plus, whenever jere7my hosts an Exec meeting or whatever, he arranges for there to be very good things to eat (these were unfortunately not a solace the night of January 16thNovember 8th.)

((Long Reach jokes what up!))

1: Okay, fine, well he does roll his eyes at me, but usually it's prompted by me being an ass and asking which episode of Doctor Who C3PO is from or something like that.

2: For which I was not a getaway driver, since we biked.

3: So far I haven't gotten around to it. I am easily distractible and have very few cycles for watching things.

4: Figures I have bought new at ToysRUs at one of the two release nights: Rey, Jyn, and Sabine. Figures I have bought used at Order 66 Toys in McKinney: Endor speeder-bike rider Leia, big fancy red dress Amidala (or Padme? I feel like there's some weird proper name thing just out of reach, which I'd be happy to have explained if it wasn't eighty years long), ANH Leia in the white dress, C3PO, and Hoth Leia. I also have an Ewok village party-Leia that wabbit bought me, because FRIENDS!! I desperately want a General Leia (from TFA), and less desperately want a K-2SO, more other Leias, and a BODHI!!!!4.5

4.5: This is how I can tell my fling with buying action figures has gotten serious --I was quite emphatic about buying the *heroines* of the Star Wars universe, rather than the dudes. Except of course sassy anxiety droid, who is my favourite droid. And then Bodhi turned out to have those big eyes and that sad lost face and that incredible inner strength and ugh, I know it's a huge filthy trash-crush but I just want to take him home and feed him cake damnit! And it doesn't help that Riz Ahmed is totally gorgeous.

I should maybe cosplay Bohdi.

Anyways, yeah. The day I realized I wanted an action figure of a dirty, stinky (brave, heroic, peaceful, rebellious...) BOY was the day I realized I was lost for good.

5: Largely because I'm already a fake girl, so adding other adjectives doesn't really change anything. But also because I kinda like reveling in being a "filthy casual" --it means I get to have all the fun of enjoying something without any of the stress of having to constantly declare that enjoyment loudly and explicitly to everyone around me.

PostScript 1: Seriously, my interest in Star Wars is pretty new. I saw the original trilogy as a kid and liked them, but I also seem to recall liking Phantom Menace, so you can't actually trust me on that. As a geek, I'm all for the existence of Star Wars, but I didn't really get super into it all until Rey and TFA (which has given me a new appreciation for Leia too!)

PostScript 2: Yeah, on the one hand it's awesome that I got into Star Wars and especially Leia just in time for Carrie Fisher to die and my heart to shatter. "awesome".

PostScript 3: I also feel I should give a shoutout to wabbit, because I'm always more inclined to try out cool things when there are cool people being excitable about it, and she's the other Most Excitable About Star Wars person I know. And wabbit is also super awesome about being respectful and chill and offering explanations when I need 'em and not berating me for remembering whether BB8's head screws are threaded clockwise or widdershins.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am less sick!

This is a definitely impressive thing, because yesterday I completed an item from nobody's bucket list ever, and threw up on the plane. I did manage to get it all in the bag, and I was practically subtle about it (as subtle as one can be) but oh man, it sure does ruin your chances with that cute flight attendant with the awesome glasses when you have to hand him a bag of your warm puke.

(I also threw up several more times last night, because ugghhhhhh. As I complained on Twitter, the worst part about being an adult is having to empty your own puke-bucket.)

Anywho, today I was just major league fatiguey (okay, with some slight nausea). I was plagued by the confluence of "I don't want to eat" and "there's not a lot to eat in the house" and so didn't actually wind up consuming anything substantial until, er, seven fifteen PM, when my friend Cathy gave me some soup at the Exec meeting. I am going to have to get her a nice card for mother's day or something, I swear.

I am feeling much more spry. I am still faintly stomach-unhappy, but I haven't gotten close to puking in nearly 24 hours now. I'm gonna go to sleep and hopefully go to work tomorrow (yes, RBeast's parents know I'm sick and know the symptoms. And yes, if I wake up tomorrow and feel completely awful, I will not go in.)

Other nice stuff:

*My friend Kas drove me home from the airport last night, which was super nice of them, especially since it was POURING rain. Like, both of my checked bags came out on the conveyer belts completely soaked. Yipes!

*I caught a Venusaur on the way home from my meeting! As I was walking up the hill to get it, a nice dude was walking down and say me and just said "That Venusaur?" I laughed and said "yeah" and it was a really lovely human connection moment in the middle of a cold and damp night.

*Past!Kat did something right for once, and when I came home yesterday, I found my room almost totally clean. This basically never happens --I tend to turn my living space into a disaster area when I'm preparing to go anywhere. I think it's because I had a quick date with Terrapin immediately before leaving --note to self, schedule things thusly more often...

*On the plane I wrote up the TMC minutes (I have no idea why this is so utterly impossible for me to do) and today I sent them out. Cookies for ADHD Kat!

*I GOT MY MEDS! I got my meds I got my meds I got my meds! It has been a long fucking four months since I've had proper dosage and not had to fall back on my emergency stash or anything. I am very very happy. Also, this means I have health insurance again, so if you're the type to fret about that, um...don't anymore?

*Folks on Facebook are being cool and supportive about my gender post, leaving me to believe that I am the luckiest snofagun1 to ever walk the planet. Even my grandfather's being awesome about it, because I have the best damn family ever, please feel free to borrow it whenever necessary.

I dunno. I'm home in Boston? That's pretty amazing, even if it's cold all the time again. Tomorrow I get to see the Rbeast and go to the library and have a very nice time of things, I hope. And then I will come home and finally actually unpack from vacation and yeah.

Hope your life is going well and you are not very sick today!


1: This is an intentional misspelling --I had some archie comics as a kid that spelled it "sonofagun" all run together, and I used to misread it pretty often. I will also say snofagun sometimes as a mild swear.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Hey friends!

One of my minor New Years resolutions is to try speaking up more when people get my pronouns/personhood wrong. So!

I am not a woman(/girl/lady/etc). I am an agender person. (Or genderqueer, or enby...) The pronouns you should use when referring to me are "they/them/theirs". Instead of Ms. or Mr., I use "Mx".
If you need to refer to something about me that is relevant to my being female-assigned, please use that, or "FAAB" (for "female assigned at birth").

Andyeah. If you wanna share your identifying pronouns/words as comments to this post, I'd like to know them!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
2016 has finished! I had a pretty fucking rough time of things. Let's talk about some of the not-so-rough parts.

*I started drawing more! I cannot state how important and good this feels to me as a creative person. I've been tossing snaps of my sketches up on Twitter, but I've yet to find a good archiving space that I can use --please don't suggest deviantArt unless you can also prove to me that they've become less awful to trans and genderqueer folk.

*I got paid to teach SCD! This is REALLY REALLY COOL! I also got a lot of compliments on my classes and social hours, which was pretty thrilling. I taught five basic classes in November and December, and ran the associated social hours. Laura and I also ran the social dancing after both big dance meetings we have in the year.

*Yes, we parted ways and I'm sad about it, but until that happened I professionally taught high school math for six months and was salaried and had some of the best girls in the world to influence and enjoy.

*One Deck Dungeon has been published! My name is in the playtesting credits, and I've played a lot of rounds of it and it's *gorgeous* and I am so thrilled that people are enjoying it.

*NYFF was even better than last year! Among other _really good_ things is that s00j has switched over from idol to friend (critically important to longterm relationshipal happiness), I developed deeper and happier friendships with a few people, I got to do a lot of really helpful things, and I had some amazingly empowering FAAB conversations with [other?] women about how pathetic dudes are.

*Also I replaced my missing lizard hat with a widebrimmed floppy black hat and it's magnificent.

*My whole witchka style has blossomed in the finest sort of way! Pumpkin colours have become the way of life, and shawls and layers and swishy skirts and *swoon!* I look so awesome, all the time, and I feel so grand. I really love the idea of dressing in such a way that children want to be my friend and grown men find me disturbing or worrisome or scary.

*Megan!! Like, I enjoy all my friends and I'm glad to know all of them, but Megan is the first time I have ever had a work Friend. It's the first time I've ever trusted and cared for someone at work that I felt comfortable outing myself as poly to them. And we're not perfect at it, but we're still communicating, still hanging out, still being friends and that is fucking awesome.

*I went to California for a week and spent a lovely time with mek.


*For my twenty-seventh birthday, I convinced people to eat ice cream in approximately thirty states, seven countries, and four continents.

*I moved, and oh, I love my new house SO FUCKING MUCH and the people in it SO FUCKING MUCH and I am SO FUCKING HAPPY.

*I did a lot more stiltswalking and feel very happy about that. I really need to repair my stilts (BEFORE ARISIA, THANKS!) so I can do more there.

*Magus got married and I got to wear white-tie formal and send him off. It was awesome1, and I enjoyed the trip immensely. There was the freedom of the open road, and visiting family and friends, and getting to be helpful and SO MUCH GOOD FOOD and damn I looked awesome in white-tie. And married! YAY!!

*Veronica had her baby and he is more than four months old now and he is unbelievably cute and I am unbelievably happy for her.

I'm gonna cut it off there. See self! 2016 was not all doom and gloom!

Let's see what we can do with the beginning of 2017, yeah?


1: Was talking about it briefly with [profile] macaroniandtuna this evening, who seems to be in the camp of "it's weird to go to your ex's wedding" and I'm just like ???. Yes, I know I have some unresolved Weird around Keira that's never actually going to go away, and yes, I know I broke up with Magus, but that was largely because he and I are not great at Serious Communication with each other and having a Relationship was significantly more stressful than having a friendship. He and I are still friends. I still care for him dearly, and miss him very much, and I would absolutely still say I love him2 so when he asked me to be in his wedding, I said yes so fucking fast I practically traveled back in time to do it.

2: Just...more like I'd say it to Veronica or Ezri than I would to Terrapin or mek or Sparr.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)

So, I have this file on my computer from a year ago entitled "REVOLUSTRAVAGANZA". Somehow I am only just now realizing that "rev" is not the start of "resolution" but that's to be understood, since I haven't updated the list since like...apparently April. Huh.

In my defense, I spent a lot more of 2016 in a semi-Depressive state than most of the years prior, prompted in no small part by the minor traumas of losing a job I loved1, dealing with a serious asshole landlord2, and The Election. Usually I just get the drain bamage in the winter, spending much of April-June wanting to sob to pieces in my office was an unwelcome addition.

But separate from that, let's check in and see how I did on things. You can read the original post here.

1) Writing: Ehhhhhnnnnnhhh. I did a significantly spottier job of using 750w in 2016 than in 2015. This is gonna be a common trend by the way, 2015 was an objectively better year all around. I'll see about getting back into the swing of things this year.

2) Making LJ posts or whatever: I certainly haven't been hitting 15 a month, but I've been doing a fair clip, which is great. Apparently in October I posted on over half the days, which is kinda amazing. I'll keep trying to focus energies, I (as always) miss it over here.

3) Backing up the computer: I have been...okay? at this. Currently I'm like 60 days out, which is not so good. I will continue to try and hit once a month.

4) Cull my closet: This did not so much happen. I am not so much good at this.

5) Track bicycle milage: I did an awesome job of this until May, at which point distracted and stopped syncing Eddie3 with Kela4, and also stopped using Eddie for a long while. That being said, I managed 1141.84 miles on the bike from January to May, which is a goodly amount, damnit!

((I miss my stupid eight mile commute along the river with the sunrise behind me. Damn but that was good zen-time.))

6) Frivolous bike journey: I did not actually manage. Maybe next year? It's not super a priority.

7) We don't talk about number seven. Being an adult is hard, and I spent a lot of the year in lack-of-meds trauma, which is my excuse for why we don't talk of number seven.

8) Have a job better than substituting for this school year: Well, uh. Huh. Okay, so nannying is objectively better than substituting (it's more consistent, less stressful, and pays better. No benefits, but then, I don't have benefits as a sub either). It's also not what I want to be doing with myself in the long term. Maybe 2017 should be the year where I get serious about finding a *career* again.

9) Five multiday non-dance events: Arisia, Balticon, Gencon, NYFF and.......Marc's Wedding? I don't think that counts. I traveled a lot, but most of it wasn't *events*, per se.

10) Five multiday dance events: Pinewoods x3, NEFFA, and I completely failed to do anything this fall.

11) Do well at current job: Well, they fired me. Like, less than a month after I made this resolution, there began to be Big Conversations and all of January and February was fucking nightmare awful, but I genuinely thought I was doing the work I needed and getting better and it didn't matter. Come the April contract negotiations, I was informed that I would not be invited back.

(My boss was gracious enough to do it at a free period at the end of the day, which means when I went down to my office and sobbed, I didn't have to worry about getting my face back together for students.)

But I think I did a pretty fucking good job of it up until that ending point. The best I could, at least.

12) Give more presents: Ehhh, a little bit? I got weirdly excited and overboard this Christmas with my family (which I like and feel good about, and since I get many things secondhand or discount, I don't feel like I spent too much money or anything), and I feel like I've done a couple good things throughout the year, but not much.

13) Give more presence: I continue to not do well at this, but I've at least been trying? I need to leave way more DW/LJ comments than I actually do, don't I?

14) Less computer time: Weirdly yes? And also very no? It's complicated. When I have other things to do or people to interact with, I'm a lot better at being present and not on the electronicx. When I'm just living my day-to-day life, it's harder. The introduction of pokemon weirded this a lot --I am more likely to have my phone out in public, but also more likely to not be doing anything that takes my attention.

I am probably not allowed to play Skyrim in 2017 either, but I'll re-check this position sometime around June. (Yes, I'm jonesing. Yes, I know there are other similarly good big sandboxy games, but I can't play any of them *either*, not until I can handle myself better.)

15) Emails: I currently have 9851 emails in my inboxen (667 unread). This is not great, but is better than the "well over 10k" I had this time last year. I'll keep poking at it.

16) Wedding planning: Oh gods, I haven't done any of this, and I need to start. Like serously start, since I'll be 28 in eight months. *whimper*

17) Spend time on west coast: With the corollary of "with my boyfriends". This mostly didn't happen. I did visit mek in April, which was excellent, but I didn't actually manage to visit Sparr at all, and things with K˚ are...complicated right now. My resolutions for this year are gonna include "repair some of my relationships and be a better partner".

18) Highland: Nnnnnn? I've been going more often, sure. I competed again (and I'm getting better --previous comp I was solidly 4/4, this one I was solidly 5/7). I'm now up to having *eight* dances clattering around in my head and getting confused with each other. I really want to find the time to film myself doing the best I can at each of them, so I have something to compare with in n months.

As I've mentioned a couple times here, I have no idea why I do Highland. I should unpack that sometime.

19) Craft more stuff: Unfortunately no. I've started drawing again, which is good, but I have really not been doing much in the creation department otherwise. Need to work on that.

(I did sew a tiny Sporran beltpouch at the NH Highland Games --oh hey, that's a multiday dance event!-- this year, because they didn't mind a grownass adult crashing the kids space. It's cute! I made a (very bad) buttonhole!)

So that's that review. It's good to check in with my goals sometimes. Maybe I will make more goals for 2017, and maybe I will actually do a better job of them this year.


1: The narrative I have been using (because it hurts less) is that they were looking for a different classroom management style. This is true, but I don't like admitting how much I would've been willing to bend myself to theirs, despite the fact that I am not remotely authoritarian and that seems to be more of what they wanted.

2: Do you wanna know what I love most about my living situation right now? FUCKING EVERYTHING (except going from free in-unit laundry to coin in the basement). I love my new roommates, I love my new house, I love my new landlord, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my non-oil heat. It's a really good thing in a sea of not-so-great.

3: My shipboard computer! (Making the first electronic I've given a dude-name to in ages)

4: Keladry Selbstzucht --my darling laptop, named for the Lady Knight of Mindelan and the German word for self-discipline.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)

1) Music is incredibly critical to keeping my overall mood stable and my anxiety low. If I haven't had time to listen to music lately, I need to remember that it's one of the fastest/strongest/best ways to Fix Things.

2) I need to listen to "Somebody Will" and sob so hard I can't sing along at least once every six months, apparently. It's a reminder of what we're meant to be doing and where we're meant to be going, and it shouldn't sound so damn much like a dirge.

3) I want to make a post talking about the Denizens and music and how beautifully they work together, and I've been meaning to make this post for like a month now (there was a really bad Monday going to dance where it became relevant) and someone should poke me about it, especially once I'm back in Boston.

4) I will try and make some year-in-review/year-looking-forward posts later, but for now there are still people and social in my house.

5) Hi! I like you, and hope your 2017 is better than your 2016.


((for my own reference and possibly your interest, the songs I listened to in order to repair/break better my brain were: Go Away Godboy (s00j), Never Look Away (Vienna Teng), Joan (Heather Dale), Somebody Will (Sassafrass), Timber Party (mashed up by Shahar Varshal), and Every Time it Rains (Charlotte Martin).))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I desperately miss the old days of IM.

Part of this is myself --I am not able to be online and giving things my full attention until all hours of the night anymore. Some of the people I used to chat with for hours are simply no longer easily accessible to me since their schedules no longer sync with my own. (Stupid time zones).

Part of this is the rest of the world. Things have shifted such that phones now connect to the IM, which slows it all down and makes it less instant and more "eh, I'll get to the text when I have a minute".

Plus, people just...don't IM with me as much anymore. If I am communicating with a friend via Twitter and face to face and all that, it's not as necessary to IM them, I guess? But even my faraway friends, my usage is fading.

And honestly? This fucking sucks for me. I am such a ridiculously text-based individual, if you want to earn my love (or just become pretty good friends with me) nothing will do you as well as giving me a regular source of your words. And no source of words will please me as much (at least in the short term) as hitting me up on AIM or GTalk and tossing some conversation back and forth.

(well, Livejournal. But I can't expect any of y'all to actually come back here like ever.)

Anyways, I'ma gonna try and make some more intentional times to be on IM. Maybe I'll even publicise them on Facebook or whatever. That'd be kindof a cute experiment --call it a "Post Hard" night or something1. and open up the digital living room so all my friends can come chill with me as I splatter myself across the internet.

But if you see me online, hit me up! Maybe you'll just get me when I'm on hangouts on my phone, but yanno, I like people then too! I'll do my best to engage.


1: Post Hard is one of my favourite erotic stories ever written, mostly because it just GETS me. It's from the original version of Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook".
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Update on today: After hanging with Ezri, I went over to Austein's house for dinner. We hung out and snuggled and made stir-fry and after we almost went to see Rogue One, but then decided to go to the party all our friends were at instead. This was a really good idea! It meant I got to see [profile] le_coeur_chante and [personal profile] darxus and make a gingerbread house out of graham crackers, and listen to music, and make origami for the tree and people and warmth and cookies and yayyyy!!!

So even if I didn't go and see Star Wars again, I got to have a very nice evening full of very nice people. I need to work harder to do social stuff --I miss the people I love when I don't manage to be around them.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here is some stuff that has been happening lately:

Today (Sunday 18): I made considerable progress on room cleaning, including cleaning off my desk (YAYYY!!!) and making some progress with the Giant Unyielding Pile of Papers. I also hung out with Ezri and ate pancakes.

Yesterday (Saturday 17): I woke up at two in the afternoon and then was awake for less than twelve hours what even. I hung out on Skype with a friend while assembling my Holiday present from jere7my --a LEGO version of the Ecto1, with figures of all four of my girls, and Kevin, and a boss translucent demon thing! I also put away a sizable amount of laundry.

Friday: I worked many hours, and biked for half an hour in single digit weather --if anything I was too warm, proving once again that winter means nothing to me (hahahah no.) I grabbed dinner with the nannyfamily, and then I scurried home to watch Elementary with mek. I also fell asleep on mek, because I am a bad date.

Thursday: Worked. Scurried home as fast as possible (by way of one Holiday shopping errand) to throw on a change of clothes and dash down to Davis Square to meet up with jere7my. Then we went and saw STAR WARS: ROGUE ONE!!!!!!!!!! It was excellent and I enjoyed it. I may write a spoilery review later.

Wednesday: Worked. Came home and...didn't...go to Highland. Because I was brainsick? I think because I was brainsick. I did not have a great start of the week. Things have gotten better, hopefully.

Tuesday: Worked. Did fuckall after work.

Monday: Did a downright horrific substituting day. Survived. Came home and puttered a bit. Headed off to teach my last class of the month for Scottish --people seem to enjoy my classes, and in this one, I actually _ran out of things to teach_ and had to scramble at the end. Plus I wound up with FOUR COUPLES! That was a pretty cool way to end it all.

Sunday (11): Had plans to hang out with awesome Megan and her boyf Noah. This involved us going to Central Sq and seeing A Palpable Hit, which was a collection of twelve of Shakespeare's fight scenes, all in a row. IT WAS SPECTACULAR and if we hadn't seen the last show of the run, we'd be urging EVERYONE IN THE WORLD to go attend it. Also did a lot of Holiday shopping. Was very good to see Megan and Noah --haven't seen her since August and him since like...June. Also, I shopped at like...four separate bookstores, which felt good.

Saturday (10): Played games all day at the Bananamines. Very satisfying! I played Bohnanza, Money, ...something else, Pandemic: The Cure, and Broom Service. I did spectacularly badly at that last one, but enjoyed it. I wish I could remember that middle game I played. O.o

And there was other stuff before that, work and dance related. Upcoming is being a shitty secretary for TMC, and the dance holiday party, and heading to Texas for Holiday and more present buying and the like. Whee!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I say a lot of things out loud, just to amuse myself. Yes, even when I am alone in the house. Yes, I also talk to inanimate objects and pets (and not just "who's a cute laptop? Is it you? It is!")

Most recently:

Me: Why is my laundry basket1 full of hangers.
Alsome: Someone thought it was a good idea to leave them in there.
Me: Someone is an idiot.
Alsome: That someone is you.
Me: I am an idiot.

((I have since fixed the hanger problem. I'ma go do laundry WOO!))


1: I only own one laundry basket, which I find incredibly annoying and frustrating, except that, unless you have a dedicated laundry room, laundry baskets are one of the most terrible things in the world to store, plus, how the hell would I ever get one home on my bike?

ETA: I feel the need to clarify why I'm calling myself an idiot. See, I store my laundry basket in the top of my closet, wedged rather precariously in there. (Seriously, if I rustle my clothing too much, it may attack.) So filling it full of hangers means that a) I can't use it as a laundry basket and b) how did I even get it up there in the first place AAAHHH HANGERLANCHE.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So it's been about four years since I properly updated my wantlist, and my sister was asking, so here, have the newest version. (You can find all the old versions under the Wantlist tag.)

Obligatory Disclaimers:

1) No one ever has to get me stuff. Ever. I am both capable of buying my own stuff, and perfectly happy to not have stuff. No one has to, not parents, not partners, not friends, nobody. This post is only to help you if you do wanna get me stuff.

2) I am almost always poor, and absolutely always bad at buying presents for other people. I don't believe in gift reciprocity. I will get you things if I find things that work for you, but I am not likely to make a point of getting you things. If I get you things, you in no way have to get me things --see point one.

3) This is not a comprehensive list of everything I want in the world. Some of this list is very specific, some of it is kinda vague. Often I am happy with things that are similar (but not always). For more information on the sorts of things I like, see my Aestheticslist which needs a little updating (I am moving more towards solely pumpkin colours and away from red and purple, for instance) but is pretty accurate. I like pumpkin colours, spiders, and math. Do with that as you will!

Onwards! )

Whuf. Like I said in the disclaimers, I'm sure there's other things I want, but there's very little in my life I actually need and don't have, so this is a pretty good start!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Like...mild trigger warning for slightly irreverent emotional abuse references

Oh hey, I almost forgot.

It's been nine years since I rode up the escalators in Porter Square Station, stepped out into the snow, and felt my heart sing out


In the spring of 2007, I had applied to UMaryland: College Park, Tufts, Brandeis, Lesley, and Boston University. I wanted to go north so bad I could taste it. On March 31st, mom walked into the living room to give me the only news that could distract me from my asshole-life-sucking-abusive-boyfriend and the presence of THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD1. She had two envelopes from colleges saying "thanks but your pre-ADHD-diagnosis grades and general shiftlessness are a no go" and one big thick packet from Lesley saying "come on down, and have some free money to boot!"

Shitpickle-assface of course had to try and ruin things by being UNBELIEVABLY SAD AND UNABLE TO COPE with the fact that I was going to move to another state (god, seriously, someone go step on that guy's foot, he's such a mayobutt) but that didn't matter because a) I now had absolute and objective proof that I wasn't a completely worthless piece of shit academically and could actually get my ridiculous dysfunctional ass into college and b) THAT COLLEGE WAS IN BOSTON WOO!!!

So I moved four hundred miles north (and somewhat east) and woke up one morning to a parade going past my college and one night I was across the hall when the disco bikes rode by and I discovered SCD and was told in no uncertain terms that Davis sq was way hipper than Harvard, tyvm.

And then there was a blitz-surprise-visit to the city I loathed2 and boy that was emotionally exhausting, the good and the bad ("Veronica, Veronica, Veronica" "KAT!" *cue hugs and tears*) and I didn't sleep all that much because I was busy being raped and dumping that dirtrag-monkeystain's face and so the plane ride home was weirdly meditative.

And I walked out the big glass doors and everything was quiet and muffled by a layer of snow. And well, I'd been ~*pretty sure*~ before, that this was where I was meant to be. But that single instant...the chord it struck in me hasn't stopped chiming yet.

I belong here. As much as I may consider the idea of trying somewhere new, as much as I flirt with the thought of going full nomad and wandering a while, my heart and soul and self belongs in the area encompassed by the MBTA's subway system.

So now it's been a third of my life that I've spent living here. It's too bone-fucking cold and there are massholes making every form of transit worse than the last, and ugh Ivy-snobs and gentrification and would the friggin green line just *expand* already and gods, I just love this stupid town so unbelievably much.

(Did you know Boston is the only city in the world where you can get lost on the public transit and find yourself in Wonderland? I've always found that amazing, and you should too.)

I am home, and I am here, and I am happy.


1: Which is to say, it was the first day that mek and I were actually in the same place together, and whats-his-ass was there too because he could not let me be happy about things without his presence, I fucking swear. But this isn't a rapist post, so let's move on.

2: I have mellowed considerably in my feelings towards Columbia, but I still refuse to ever move back there. It is not a place where I feel I can Exist.

3: That was actually pretty funny, because I got right off the bike and whirled around and started stalking towards them with my full on Teacher Glare and they immediately launched into "sorry sorry sorry, our friend's drunk, he wasn't aiming at you, we're sorry!" Boys.

PostScript: Often when I write deep sorts of things, I use the eye icon to show I'm feeling contemplative. But do you know what this icon is listed as in the keywords? "Boston Sorcy". This was my "yer a college student, Sorcy" present from Skullx, and you will notice that it has the Citgo sign in the background.

I pay silent tribute to that sign every time I see it.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Trigger Warning: rape/sexual abuse mention

"Oh cool, it's D_D's birthday, that's right it's December 2nd, wait isn't there some other reason I...know...that date. Oh."

Today marks the ninth anniversary of my breaking up with my rapist. Nine years is a third of my life --I can't exactly say I've spent a third of my life without him, since the post-breakup was long and emotionally abusive (we were going to stay friends *rolls eyes*), but I can say it's been an entire third of my life since the last time I was raped.

That's pretty cool.

No, not that I was raped, obviously. But the fact that I endured and moved on and survived and that I have *continued* to survive.

And it's cool that it's fading. It's cool that it doesn't break me as immediately anymore --not that I can't still get triggered, and badly, and by sometimes ridiculous things, but just remembering his name or the dates of our relationship doesn't fracture me as much. It's cool that I'm better at saying no, and loudly, and strongly.

It's cool that I own a small purple elephant patterned with jungle animals.

And it's cool that tomorrow I'm gonna go to Salem and dance some Scottish and brief and teach a dance for this form I love so much, because the ninth anniversary of breaking up with my rapist means also the ninth anniversary of starting SCD. I've said in passing (maybe in not so many words) that it was worth it. And I mean it. A life in which I was never raped, but also never learned to dance like this1 would be, I think, a poorer life.

I'm not happy I was raped, I will never be happy about it. But the person I've become is strong and sharp and brilliant and here2 and all the ways I had to learn and grow because of what he did helped lead to that.

He lost. I still love myself, despite him.

Nine years, that's pretty cool.

Here's to nine hundred more.


1: Where I never met jere7my, who is one of my deepest and closest friends, and maybe as important to me as the dance itself. That too, matters.

2: What, you expect me to do a soul-searching post of any sort without linking to this? Too bad. Good Girls Aren't Here, so if I manage to find it in myself to stop dissociating and stop being a Good Girl then I get to exist instead and society's judgement is nothing compared to how freeing it feels to be.

Trigger Warnings go both ways: rape/sexual abuse mention
sorcyress: A character from a comic about the maintenance workers of the universe, holding a thumbs up and saying "MOOP!" (Zonker MOOP!)
I had a particularly good lazy-last-day of vacation!

We had to leave the house pretty early in order to take Alys to the airport. So there was a lovely mournful goodbye as we dropped her off, but then it was time for mom, Sparr, and I to head to McKinney for ADVENTURE!

Those of you who know anything about McKinney know that the relevant adventure is hunting up just heaps and heaps of Munzees, mom and mine's geogame of choice. There was also a bit of pokemoning (I got two new 'mons, which is extra-impressive considering I'm at over 150 in my pokedex!) and lots of wandering around and just general shopping with wabbit, who met us for lunch.

(What is Munzee? Munzee is an excellent little geogame in which people hide QR code stickers around the world (mostly on the back of street signs and base of streetlamps and the like). You can scan these QR codes for points! When you scan someone's Munzee, they get points too! Points all around!!

The game is an excellent way to enhance a walk, and a very nice way to explore new cities --often Munzees will be placed on or adjacent to Interesting Stuff to look at, or at the very least, in interestingly hidden locales to find. I do like scavenger hunts, and treasure seeking and the like, and this scratches that itch quite nicely.

If you would like to play with me, by all means let me know. Especially since there's a pyramid scheme aspect where I can give you a referral code and for every n points you get, I get .01n1! I have a secret goal/plan to do some serious deploying of Munzees throughout a) my neighborhood and b) the area around the Arisia hotel before the con this year.)

So that was quite good! All the shopping was very nice as well --I got a christmas present for jere7my (in part because Order 66 had everything on sale) and a handful more action figures for myself, meaning I have FOUR DIFFERENT LEIAS! This is a pretty awesome thing. I mean, obviously Rey is still my favourite figure, and the most likely to go with me on little adventures (though of *course* I'm gonna bring Jyn to see Rogue One with me), but Leia is the Best Ever and so I'm happy to have lots of her.

Da asked why I didn't get her in the Jabba's palace outfit, and I snarked that my plan is to get her in every other outfit first, and leave that one for last. Given that I'm not actually remotely serious about collecting, and I mostly just obtain action figures so they can sit on my bookshelf and make out, I think that'll be a fine hurdle to keep Huttslaya' Leia out of my hands.

((For reference, I've had Endor fighter-pilot Leia, and today I bought her A New Hope outfit with all the beautiful white robes2 and her Empire outfit for running around Hoth. And then wabbit gifted me the end-of-Return-of-the-Jedi Endor outfit for when she's partying with the Ewoks. SO MANY CUTE LEIA'S! Someday I will cosplay them _all_!))

We came home by way of WAFFLE HOUSE HECK YEAH, and then I settled in to play some video games and generally be hella lazy. Now it is a bit past midnight and I need to go pack my bags for my flight tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day of dance administrative stuff, whoopee.


1: I'm not positive it's a hundredth, it may be a thousandth. But at any rate, POINTS!!

2: SUDDEN INTERESTING FEELS ABOUT THE JUXTAPOSITION OF STAR WARS AND VALDEMAR. Except let's be real, General Leia would not be a Herald. She's strong and powerful, but she's just not that kind of selfless and that's a good thing.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Today, unlike yesterday, I felt like a real person. I was able to go out and live my life --do nannyingjob, get dinner with Austein, do organizey-dance-stuff at home-- without feeling catastrophically bad about everything.

I tried to make more of a point than usual today of being friendly to the people I saw out and about. It helps walking around with the Rbeast --she's fucking adorable, and so just about everyone smiles and waves back at her. But as I tell my students whenever I get the chance, we're all we have in the world. Be good to each other.

I was doing really well writing my words, but then I lost the streak on Monday (I crashed super hard after dance) and have been too numb the last two days to even really try. Tweets and short little things are coming, reblogs and restatements are coming easily. This is the first thing I've written in three days that's more'n a hundred words though. That's okay. I can start over sometimes.

I have been trying _really_ hard to hug just about everybody I encounter, as often as I fucking can. One thing that's really nice about DansaHausa1is that I am suddenly once again living with at least one person who is happy to receive frequent touch (and whom I feel comfortable touching frequently). I haven't had that in a long time, not since I lived with Sparr2 or Ezri, really. But Laura and I stim on each other's soft clothing, and she lets me come up behind her at dance and rest my chin on her shoulder, and she'll make a point to hug me before going to bed. It's really nice.

But yeah. I'm not good at politics, or leadership, or organization, or revolution. I'm a scared little white girl3 from a well off family with occasional capitalist leanings.

But I can be nice. I can be kind.

It doesn't really come naturally to me. Between dealing with the fallout of being an abuse survivor, and dealing with the wrath that comes from being invisible and not wanting to be, I have lost a lot of my softness. When Racheline wrote "good girls aren't here4", I took it to heart a lot of ways --and one of the strongest was the understanding that if I wanted to exist, I needed to be not good, and/or not a girl.

But I can be nice. I can be kind. And the world needs some nice and some kind right now. So I'm making an effort to lock down some of the sarcasm and some of the sharp, to smile at strangers and take a deep breath and let it go every time a masshole driver does something to make me swear. It'll take work, it'll take practice, but damnit, so did learning to juggle, so does Highland dance. I'm capable of working at things that are important to me.

This is important to me.

Be good to each other, friends. We're all we have in the world.


1: The current domicile is called Dance House or Dance Floor, I call it DansaHausa, because BodaBorg. Man, I should go back to BodaBorg, it's been since like June.

2: Who counts differently, in that I can touch Sparr whenever but it's a lot more likely to be sexual at any given moment for at least one of us. With Laura, it never is --it's always just comfort.

3: I am not a girl.

4: Over three years now that I have had it open in a browser window at all times.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I haven't given a general update on my life to y'all lately, so have one of those. Here are things in my life:

Job: About...gosh, 7 weeks ago, I began a twice weekly nannying gig for a couple friends of mine. The Rbeast is about a year and a half, and an amazingly mellow child. (That does not make caring for her into something other than work, but it does mean that it's work where I am submitted to a lot fewer decibels1 of howling than I could otherwise expect.

We spend a lot of time wandering around the streets near her house, and about equally as much time hanging out in the local library. I have gotten to know the children's librarian by name --between storytime and just generally hanging around for hours twice a week, it seemed prudent. Typically, we go for a morning visit (which lasts anywhere from 1-3 hours) where she's in charge and puttering and playing with toys and the like, and then I'll stop by in the afternoon with her strapped to my back for naptime. (efforts to induce naptime without putting her on my back and walking for a bit have been utter failures.)

It's nice to be spending time on the regular with a small child. It kinda makes me want to take steps to acquire my own, but unless I manage to acquire a breadwinner alongside it (and I am not stupid enough to think that people in my peer group can support two adults and some children in Boston on their millennial salaries), it's gonna have to wait. I tend to be pretty content with the freedom inherent in not being responsible for anyone's movements other than my own, on the whole, so my childinstincts can shut the ass up.

The other days of the week, I am back to substituting. Nominally I am looking at grad schools.

Grad School Hahahhahahahahahahahah*sob*

Dance: Okay, admittedly, part of why I don't have a lot of cycles for the above is because I'm spending a lot of "let's sit down at the computer and accomplish something!" cycles on various dance-related pursuits. I am secretary for one of the SCD committees (doing fancy nooootes...I am actually due to send some out like two days ago), running the Highland Ball in May (you will hear more about that later) and teaching the Watertown basic class for November and December, which means writing programs and talking to musicians.

So dance stuff is taking up a rather substantial amount of energy.

I'm also still plodding along with the Highland dance thing. It's still exhausting and difficult and I'm no good at it, but it's probably building character or something. I wish I could say it's fun, but it's mostly not --there are brief flashes of enjoyment through the middle of an interesting step, but the whole thing mostly doesn't feel fun.

If it sounds like I don't know why I'm doing it, well there's that. But I'm more'n two years into it now, and I've competed twice (and have the fistful of shiny medals to prove it) and I don't hate it and it's definitely good for me, so I'ma probably keep doing it for the foreseeable future.

On another foot (tee-hee), nannywork leaves me pretty close to Bluesy Tuesy, which is potentially awesome. I say potentially, because despite this, I've only managed to actually go once. Sigh. Maybe next week?

Love/Sex life: It exists! It's limping along --I manage dates with mek on the occasional (which I inevitably fall asleep during because my poor body can't handle not moving for more'n a couple hours without trying to catch up to what it needs --this sucks and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it) and dates with my sir on the different-occasional. Sparr came and visited for several days, which was _lovely_. Despite having a cold and spending substantial time in bed (hurr hurr), it was really fucking nice to have someone sharing my bed on the regular. I miss that intimacy, and don't always realize it's lacking.

I've put a lot of subconscious work into being fiercely independent which means I can live just fine without having close partnerships going on. But it's lonely, and it's probably not great for me to indulge that loneliness --I do better with people to keep me accountable.

Accountability stuff: I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and then maybe I can get more meds and I've been out for like a month and a half and oh god you have no idea how much things suck right now. It's really hard. Monday I took a pill and got allllll the things done and felt just so much more normal. Three more days, I can hack it.

On the plus side, my Habitica group has been fighting monsters on the regular, which means I have this added incentive to do my dailies called "don't let my friends get hurt because I'll feel like a tit". So I don't manage to protect them *all* the way, but I protect them as much as I can.

And that means I'm getting shit done that needs to get done to keep me at the bare minimums of functioning. Things like brushing my teeth, taking my birth control, and writing my words are all part of it. And hey, I managed to get the last two weeks of October without missing any days (I have not had a great track record lately) so that's pretty good.

This entry is probably long enough. Ciao!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Let's intersect some things that have been on my mind lately!

As I've been doing this character meme thing, I have come to terms with the fact that, ayep, books are how my brain does the media thing. Sometimes comics, but mostly just text. Of the nineteen characters I've posted so far, fifteen of 'em are from books or comics. (Well, okay, Zaph' is originally from a radio play but *I* encountered him first via the books.)

In the rest of my life, I have taken on a twice(ish) weekly nannying gig, running around the world with the Rbeast. She's a damn good kid, as these things go, but I still had her mother declare me "the baby whisperer" the other day when I was getting her into diper and pants and outside clothes. Which is...a pretty true thing. Like, I could be modest, but why bother when I am genuinely and seriously good with kids. Obviously not every kid every time, but the vast majority of the time, if given a chance to interact one-on-one with a small child, the child is going to come out of it liking me immensely.

So what's a character associated heavily with books and children? That's right, it's the one, the only, The Cat in the Hat.

I have owned a red and white striped hat for _years_, since before college I think. I picked it up from mum at some point, and it sits casually in my collection, to be worn on rare occasion. But tonight, for Halloween and dancing, I needed a proper costume1, 2, so I grabbed the hat and dug through my room and in well under an hour, I had a proper outfit --red tie, black vest, white gloves, and the iconic hat. I even found myself a good looking umbrella to try balancing things on.

Because the Cat is a symbol of reading, and a caretaker of children, but he is also a chaos demon incarnate, and damn doesn't that feel good. He's dapper and polite and will leave your house a wreck and your fish having an anxiety attack --except for the part where he's ultimately good and will come back and clean it all away when he's done playing.

And there's the word, play. The Cat believes in playing, as more important than just about anything else. So much of my life and who I am is predicated on playing --I mean, what is the whole "I wanna be the sort of person who dances on empty subway cars" thing if not an affirmation of playfulness. I like games and I like fun and I don't care who knows it!

So there you go. For the first time in twenty-seven years, I have gone ahead and taken the easy route, and dressed as a Kat for Halloween. And yes of course I put my twist on it, because I'm a little bit chaotic too, some days. As long as no one gets hurt in the long run.


1: I have a...thing about Halloween and reusing costumes. In that I pretty passionately don't. It's gotten shakier the last few years, as I have fewer incentives to wear good costumes (I miss trick or treating) but it's still a bit of a rule.

2: Now, I don't cosplay particularly well, but this? This is my strong suit. Find something interesting and creative to wear in less than an hour using only the contents of my bedroom? Done and fucking done! I even made myself a tail.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
It's the last day of October, and I have only done eighteen characters! C'est la vie. This doesn't bode well for me doing NaNoWriMo (which is almost definitely not going to happen, even a little bit) next month. I may work to finish the last (bakers)dozen characters over the next month. Find some closure, at least.

Anyways, let's have a small but important character: Alice Myles, the Pushcart Queen.

If you have never read The Pushcart War, do yourself a favour and find a copy and read it. It's not a very long or substantial book, and it's written explicitly for young people (as it states in the introduction, there's never been an account of this particular war for young'uns. Imagine, a ten year old child who's never even heard of a Mighty Mammoth!) It is a (fictional) account of one of the smallest and strangest wars ever to come to American soil, and it is everything childrens literature should be.

There is Maxie Hammerman, the pushcart king, who builds and repairs the pushcarts for every vendor in New York City. Later, after he has become quite a well known character, there is the battle of letters and one of them is from a young girl named Alice Myles. Alice wants to know why there isn't a pushcart queen.

((I don't think it gives too much away to say in the epilogue that an older Alice takes on some repair work of her own. It makes Maxie quite happy, as it's helping him to retire.))

When I was maybe fourteenish, there was a Christmas where my grandparents sent me and my sister absolutely beautiful nice warm quilts. Mine is still on my bed, and I use it every day. But my brother, that same year, got a toolbox with tools and by god did I complain to my grandfather about it. Why should he get tools and not I --especially not when I've always been the most engineery1 of my siblings.

For my birthday he sent me a toolbox of my own, which I still use to do basic repairs throughout the house. Because that's what's fair --that there should not be assumptions of handiness on children based on their gender, and also that when there is those assumptions, that they should be challenged.

Like I said, she's a small character, but I love what she represents: visibility. That's important too.


1: Okay, so I mean, technically my brother is, in fact, a software engineer. But I'm pretty sure I've done a significant amount more construction/handiwork than he has. We may both have the drive to find small physical problems and _fix them_, I don't know. Butyeah.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I have been using the word "witchka" on the regular to refer to myself. It's s00j's fault, obviously, but the word is important to me. Baby witch is exactly what I am --still learning how to come into my power, nevermind that I'm a grown ass adult. Just working slow and quiet and steady for my dreams. Not unlike the finest Pratchett protagonist ever written1, Tiffany Aching

Tiffany does what needs to be done, even when it's not glamorous or flashy or fun. Because she has to. Because _someone_ has to, and well, she's the one around.

But she wants more, some days. She wants to dance through the middle of the Morris set, and allow whispered powers to help her become great. She's got a lot of power wrapped up deep in her heart, and it's wonderful to watch her try to balance that.

I may never have a Granny Weatherwax to steer me true, but I'll take what advice the books offer. I'll try and keep getting things done, not for the glory but for the pleasure of seeing them done. And I'll keep working my own magic, quiet and useful.

It's a good way to live.


1: Look, I know this probably isn't true --I've read precious little Pratchett, only maybe a dozen books. I'll get there. And I'll probably still love Tiffany best of all, to be honest.


sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

July 2017

2 345678


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 22nd, 2017 02:53 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios