Jan. 23rd, 2017

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)


I'm bursting into tears writing even that much (and even knowing that every time I start crying again it makes the stabbing pains in my head flare up --I just took an ibuprofen, I should be fine soon, but oh god, I have cried too much today and my head is pounding.)



On June 15th, 2009, I sent an email that quite literally changed my life. It was to Magus. It ended with the line "[I] kinda understand completely if you don't want to date the stupid crazy chick".

It started with the line "For more or less the entirety of our relationship, Ksatyr raped me".

It was the hardest, and scariest, email I have ever sent to anyone, ever. It was the first time I ever explicitly told another person I had been raped. It was easily one of the first times I was able to say the phrase "kSatyr raped me". I wrote a few paragraphs of it in the early evening, and then I went off and did errands and distracted myself before coming back and writing the rest. And hitting send.

If you had asked me a month ago, what if felt like to send that email, I wouldn't have been able to give you a particularly good answer. Time fades memory, and time dulls pain. "Definitely scary? Kinda shameful? Worried I was messing everything up? Self-loathing that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow ruined?"

Today I have a different answer: This. It feels like this.

Because I am sitting in a different bedroom, with a different laptop, and I am shaking uncontrollably. This time it wasn't an email, it was a phone call. It wasn't calculated, it was impulsive. And it wasn't to say I had been raped.

It was to say I might have Depression. To a health care professional --the evening staffer at my medical practice. I asked to be called tomorrow, to see about scheduling an appointment, to try and do a screening and maybe start therapy, or medication, or behavioral modification or...

to maybe stop being broken.

Because I know it wasn't the proper hours to make an appointment, but if I tried to wait until then, I wasn't going to call. Not ever.

And maybe I don't actually have depression, but there is something that is not right with me. I don't know if I need to change my medication, or engage in behavioral psych, or what, but I can't get things done and that's not normal. I can't get _anything_ done. I go to work and I do what they need me to do, but then I go home and just...

I'm not even entirely sure where the time goes, some days.

I've been trying to apply to grad schools for something like three years now, and there's something blocking my brain, making it impossible for me to do it, and I don't know what or why or how to fix it.

And maybe the doctors can.


I just had a half-hour conversation with the on-call evening shift nurse/medic/???. Her name is Stephanie. She is calm and collected and honest and compassionate.

I missed the Fall 2017 deadline for Tufts. For BU too, but they say theirs is a soft deadline --not to say that I'm thrilling enough to get in after it passed, but now at least I know.

And I can start moving forward anyways. Maybe if I apply now, they'll keep me on file for 2018. That can work too. And maybe if I am managing to apply to grad schools, I will find the same space in me to apply to jobs. And manage the Highland Ball, and Pinewoods. To get things done.

I am so scared. I have so much to do and it's so hard and scary, and I'm not good at it.

I can't do this alone.

You must understand how much it chokes me to write those words. I crave freedom like I crave air, and I've never understood a meaning of the word where I rely on other people.

But I've done more for my future in a half-hour phone call with a stranger than I've managed in three years alone. [[deep breath kiddo, close the eyes, make the fingers say words that feel like traitors to your fucked up broken brain]] I can't do this alone. I need help to get my brain on track, to get my world on track. Absolutely I should be able to do things functionally by myself, but there's no shame in having my friends, my family, give me reminders.

Please, if you think of it, give me reminders. Please ask me to do some of the work I need to do. Please check in with how I'm doing, especially at times when I can do it (IM is tops for this).


On June 15th, 2009, I took a deep breath and hit send on an email that boiled down to "please help me be better". Today is January 23rd, 2017. I am going to hit post, and ask all of you the same thing.

I can do this. I can ask for help when I need it. I can fix my brain, and I can have support while it happens.

((Words make truth.))


((PostScript: As always, I am not and do not experience suicidal ideation. Thank you for caring about me.))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things I have done today that are good for me:

Big stuff
*I took the first steps towards setting up an appointment for brainfixing. Whether that winds up being better/different ADHD treatment or treatment for something else remains to be seen, but I'm gonna call tomorrow and set up a real appointment and take my next steps.

*I now know the admission dates for two grad programs (both in the past, but good incentive for the future) and have a tab open with GRE dates

*I am trying to reach out to people and trying to actively be better about...I'm trying to be better.

Medium stuff

*I bought my bus ticket home from Albany (I am going on a business trip! This is ridiculous and cool)

*I unpacked all my bags from Arisia

Small stuff (still important!)

*I made more pasta, so I will have food the next few days.

*I came back to Habitica


Looking forward:

*I want to obtain a planner. I think it has to be physical, given my relationship with physical media. It also has to be stupid over-thorough. Possibly it's going to be a bunch of comprehensive schedule grids printed out from the internet. Certainly the first few weeks are going to be.

*Put away all the clothes that are currently on my bed.

*Change sheets (closer to when Sparr is visiting, because cat)

*Take a practice GRE test

*Dance stuff



sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

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